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+--- Thread: Past Present Future 3/1/22 (/showthread.php?tid=708)
Past Present Future 3/1/22 - Anatketani - 05-07-2022
Haj — 03/01/2022
Hadaza is laying on Durro's chest listening to him tell her about his life on Lanus. Contentment flows off of him in waves and she soaks it in. His breath, his voice, the beat of his heart, his touch on her skin are rhythmic; her usual frenetic energy melts away under them all and she is still.
Over the last week and a half, they have gotten to know each other quite well. Or, rather, she has gotten to know him. He shares his life, his adventures, with her when she asks ... and she asks often. She is reveling in discovering the man where once there was only the Master.
But something is niggling at her, even as she feels her senses lulled to bliss.
"Durro?", she says when he stops to sip his tea. She shifts her body, rolling onto her stomach to look up at him. Her voice and gaze have more gravity than he would have expected, given their otherwise languid evening.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
Her tone puts him on alert, shaking him from the memories. He lowers his teacup.
"What? What's wrong?"
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
She smiles up at him. "Nothing, Kjære. Nothing's wrong ... not ... exactly"
She sits up, though loathe to lose the closeness they share, she curls up to him. "You said once that you had information about who I was. At the time, I didn't want to know. I chose to leave the past in the past. It was the right decision ... then."
She shifts and starts to fidget, picking at invisible strings on her lounging pants." Things are different now. You've shared so much of yourself with me. It saddens me to know that I can't return that gift. But it's more than that. Those girls will have memories of us that will change their whole lives. You've made sure of that, given them foundations and confidence to move forward, just as you've done for me, for us all! But it's been almost impossible to connect with them the way that you, Tesara, and Astra do."
She looks at him, hoping he will understand. "I have no childhood, no foundation, no understanding of what they are experiencing just by being little girls. I see them, and I can feel that hole inside me. It's one that I don't want to take into the future."
She takes a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever answer or information Durro may choose to give her. She knows that he may choose to withhold her life from her. She trusts him to hold it in safe keeping, should he choose to do so. "So I'm asking you now - please tell me what you know."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
His face hardens, just a tiny bit. Though it's overshadowed by a look of concern and... sadness?
"Are you sure you want to know? What I found regards you as a adult; not a child. Knowledge once learned can't be unlearned."
"If you want to know I'll tell you; this was your life, after all."
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
She knows him well enough now to recognize the closure of his features. Whatever is in her past causes him pain. Ashanti was right; whoever that person was isn't someone who should ever see the light of day.
She reached out her hand to cradle his cheek. "Your eyes are answer enough, Kjære. Let her stay buried"
She searches his eyes for the peace she almost took from him to return.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
He takes a few slow, deep breaths to recenter himself. He smiles down at her, the light having returned.
"One day, when we're both ready, we'll take that journey. Until then, we focus on the Swarm... and each other."
"I am serious though. If you really want to know, I've no right to hide it from you."
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
Silent and still in his presence, she plays with an errant curl that has escaped their bonds. Outward stillness belies a mind fervently racing to calculate the risk factor of decisions that will impact not only her life, but his. Show me, her burning need to know, are at war with the peace that she has gained here in intentional ignorance. It seems anathema to do other than is her nature and seek answers.
She looks up at him and decides the risk is not worth it. She has been alive for months, but it is only in the last few weeks that she has known what it is to truly live. The dead have not earned the right to take that from her, especially this one.
"I do really want to know, Durro. But there are things that are more important right now. I trust you to keep her for me til then."
She reaches over him to collect her own teacup from the table. She lifts it to him, "To one day when we are ready"
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
"I will. I promise."
He raises his cup to tap hers.
"When we're ready. I look forward to taking that journey."
He sips his tea, settling back in. He wants to tell her; she deserves to know. He is afraid though, afraid of what the knowledge of the dark deeds committed will do to the woman who he has seen come from the loss of everything she was before. He is afraid of what the knowledge of her past might do to her vision of the future. He chides himself; fear should never rule his actions, it is antithetical to everything he knows and lives as a Jedi. Soon, he is lost in these swirling thoughts and self-doubts.
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
His answer take her aback on two counts. First because he had previously seemed loathe to speak of promises. And second because he told her that he looked forward that journey with her, one that so obviously pained him. She cocks her head, as though to get a different perspective of him. She can see melancholia steal that light once more as he turns his inward.
"You went to one day without me, Kjære", she says softly, placing her hand on the one of his that is holding the teacup.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
"Hmm?" He is shaken once more from his thoughts.
"No, no not really. More chiding myself, really." He puts down the teacup and looks her in the eyes, those deep purple eyes that hide so much and yet are so open.
"Ashanti wasn't wrong; the woman you used to be isn't the person you want to become. Quite the opposite, from what I found. Truth be told; I'm afraid. Afraid of how this knowledge will affect you. Affect us. Affect how you see yourself and what you want for your future. I'm afraid, and I'm letting that fear stay my hand; which is antithetical to everything I've been taught and believe."
He takes a deep breath and sighs.
"Do you remember what year it is; by the Republic's calendar?"
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
Without letting go of her cup, she sets it down in her lap. Her breathing shallows as nerves tick up. A tightness flashes across her features at the helvete's name,, particularly since it's coupled Durro's agreement with her knowledge about Hadaza's lost history. The phrase "body count" screams into the silence between heartbeats, her and Durro's. Her mind whirls at the implications of even that little bit of information.
Without trying to hide her discomfort at what Durro is, and isn't, saying, she replies in a tight voice, "If our own instruments are to be believed, it's 970 ELL. Why?"
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
"It'll be relevant in a few minutes." Durro says. "Time to not be ruled by fear." He smiles at her. "Either of us."
Steeling himself with a few deep breaths, he digs into his memory wanting to get this exactly right.
"The last morning we were on Ganiaria, I was meditating at sunrise. Because of the attack from that navigator, I wanted to know if there were any other surprises waiting for us from your past. I knew you did not want to know, but it was a tactical decision to head off any further surprises. Knowledge is power, after all. I reached into the Force for the answers, and received a vision of the past. Your past."
He carefully tells the story as he saw it and he is a good storyteller. He sets the scenes, describes what he saw, heard, felt; going as far as trying to mimic the voices he heard the way he heard them. ((See the vision from #deleted-channel (Though he leaves out the part about the voice; he only tells Hadaza's story).)) He finishes the tale and opens his eyes, looking down at Hadaza, trying to read her reaction.
"Lord Farfalla was the Jedi Grand Master after the Death of Lord Hoth in 101 ELL. He led the Order for about thirty years before his own death. The Aurek-class fighter was a starfighter used by the Jedi during the New Sith Wars; the war that made Lord Hoth what he was. This vision happened anywhere from 840 to 870 years ago."
He embraces her, holding her tightly for comfort and says quietly;
"This doesn't change anything; she is the past. She's not the woman you want to be. She's not the woman I promised to come back to. But that is what I saw, that is what I know of your past."
He sits back, watching her for her reaction. His eyes are kind, his expression both sad, hopeful, and weary.
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
He watches as she processes the story he has just told her.
She sits as still and small as he saw her the night after her attack by Quinn, the chill of isolation surrounding her like an impenetrable barrier. He can see her eyes searching, unable to see what's in front of her. She sits like this for what seems to be an interminable time. Her breath is imperceptible. When she finally speaks, her voice is hoarse. "Sier du at jeg er...", she can't finish.
The teacup spills in her lap; the last dregs splattering her clothes, and his. She blinks ... once .. twice ... reaches for him, "Durro?" He can see her coming back from the shock, slowly at first. She licks her lips, and blinks again.
"No", she whispers finally. "No. That's not who I am." As she says it, a single tear drips down her cheek despite the resolve in her voice.
"That woman has no name. I am Hadaza". She speaks the name he gave her with pride. Focusing on his deep brown eyes, she places her hand on his chest. "This is my journey, our journey, and she has no place here"
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
"Agreed." Relief washes over him, though he does not kid himself; this will show itself again, and likely soon. For now, he just wants her to know that who she was does not matter. Only who she is now. She should know this. He continues to hold her, brushing the flyaway strands of her hair out of her face.
"Who you were doesn't matter." He says. "I've know this, and I still came back to you and want you to stay. Who you were is irrelevant; who you are now, who you choose to be, is all that matters. It's all I care about."
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
She starts to shake, finally, as the adrenaline of the moment releases its hold on her muscles. "I told Tesara that the Dark is not my true nature", she utters through chattering teeth. "It may have been hers, but it is not mine."
She lays her head against his chest once more. She can feel his heart beating, hammering more like, as he holds her close. "Who I am now is very selfish, Kjære. She can't have this, not any of it."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
"Good. Because I've the same selfish desire." He smiles as his heartrate returns to normal.
He leans over and reaches for his teacup.
"It seems we're out of tea. Do we want more, or is it time to continue our day?"
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
She laughs, though it's a tremulous sound. "As you like. I, however, will need a few minutes to gather myself before I dare steps just yet. I'm not used to being unsteady on my feet, though the idea of you sweeping me off them is quite appealing right now."
She sits up, puts her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Muffled words carry across space between them. "I should be very angry with you, you know, Master Thel-Tanis", she teases lightly, though the sentiment is genuine. She turns her head to look at him. "But somehow I can't be. You are who you are ... and for that I'm ceaselessly grateful.", she finishes with a smile.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 03/01/2022
Durro takes her head in his hands and gently kisses her on the forehead.
"I can say the same." He says with a slight grin.
Rising with the tea pot, he goes for the door and the galley.
"I'll be right back." He says. The door hisses closed behind him.
@Haj
Haj — 03/01/2022
If you still feel that you're strong enough, then I'd love to share it with you. His words to her. In the face of what she's just experienced, they almost have more power than when he first uttered them. She knows what they mean, their true depth. Jeg vil være sterk nok. Ikke for ham, men for meg.
She knows there will be changes in her, new information for her mind, body, and spirit to integrate. But only if she allows it. Hvis jeg gjør det, vinner hun. Hun blir levende igjen i meg. Og hun vil ikke ha det som er mitt ... ikke noe av det
/end