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NightOwls 2/24/22
Haj — 02/24/2022
The water has finally run cold. She crawls limply out of the refresher, skin red rather than its natural peach. She dries and puts on the softest loungewear that she, well, Durro, well … the Professor … purchased for her. The lavender silk is a balm against her parboiled dermis.
Once under the sheets, she wraps herself around Rancor, the new little rabbit she bought that reminds her of Astra, and tries to put the failures of today behind her Å... dårlig ordvalg, she thinks, her stomach still cramping, though now trying to make her smaller, to help her hide from what she had done.
Sleep comes fitfully at first, then not at all. She doesn't have it in her to try and run herself to debilitation. She envelops herself in a robe, takes Rancor for company, and heads for the galley. Tea seems like just the thing to soothe what ails her.
She sets the violaceous wee bunny down on one of the counters as she passes into the kitchen proper. After starting the kettle and getting a cup & saucer down, she heads to the pantry. Passing a plate of cupcakes, her gut lurches. She may never eat them again.
She's poking her nose in jars and boxes, looking for just the right blend when she hears a noise behind her. Between the Sith and his minions, and her recent visitor, she's not sure who else could be skulking around at this hour. She silently grabs a kitchen knife and ducks down behind a counter, waiting for who, or what, might cross the threshold.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
Durro feels a stirring in the Force, a whisper of caution as he approaches the galley. Senses on alert while aboard a Sith ship, he calls quietly into the seemingly empty galley as he enters.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
Entering fully he sees the cup, saucer, and stuffed bunny on the counter with a kettle sitting nearby.
"You read my mind, little rabbit." He says with a smile. "Were you waiting for me, or did I interrupt?"
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
Haj breathes a sigh of relief at the familiar voice. She drops her guard and pulls herself up from where she had been crouching.
"Good evening, Durro", she says softly and with a sheepish smile as she steps from the shadow, blade still in hand "You startled me." She looks down at the small comfort she's holding. "Not that this would have done any good, would it?"
She reaches past him to put the improvised weapon back in the slot from whence it came. The bruises from her encounter with the Sith Lord are dark on her skin, owing to the increased blood flow from the hot shower and the adrenaline rush.
"Would you like to join me? There's enough for 2, and I haven't picked out a brew yet."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
"That's why I'm here." Durro says, going to take a look. "Tea, I mean. I didn't know you'd be up."
Selecting a bag from the market he starts it steeping.
"So why are you up so late?"
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
She pokes back into the pantry, still looking for just the right one. Grabbing something that smells of light flowers and berries, she turns around and starts to prep her own cup.
"I assume that we share a concern over Astra." She scrutinizes him. "And, if I may be so bold, I also assume it's not the only reason neither of us can sleep tonight."
She pours the boiling water into their cups, grabs her own, and Rancor. "I find the galley is not particularly conducive for comfort. But my usual view from the ObDeck is obstructed by our host's strange sense of hospitality." She frowns. "I'm feeling the need to be somewhere soft tonight. You are welcome to join me, or not, as you like. Though, I wish you would. I could use the company." Her voice is heavy, though if it is with emotion, with care for her throat, or because something unspoken is caught there, he would have to use the Force to determine.
As she starts to leave the kitchen, she reminds him, "I told you that I wouldn't ask and I won't. But I feel like, tonight, we both need a shoulder." She reaches out a hand to him. "Mine's available if you want it."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
Durro takes her hand and follows her out.
"You're not wrong; though I have faith in Astra's ability to take care of her self."
He reaches out into the Force, feeling its currents between him and the zabrak. As he does so he smile humorlessly
"You're also not wrong that it's not the real reason for late-night tea. Though you're not the only astute one on board; I'm not sure your injury is affecting your voice to this degree."
"It seems we both have our demons." He glances around. "Where are we headed?"
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
She thinks about Kenobi's private den and flushes with ignominy. "Let's go to the library. I think I saw some couches among the stacks where one could curl up and read."
They walk in silence for a while before Haj finally lets her guard down a little more. "No, it's not the injury, not the physical one at any rate." She sighs, shoulders relaxing, and a little bewildered at the ease with which she finds herself when she's with him, especially considering their rocky start.
"I find myself caught in several peculiar conundrums, and all of them involve 'words'. When to speak, or not. What to say, or not. Who to say them to, or not. It seems that my filters haven't caught up with my physical skills yet. And the past few days have been particularly challenging." Small, unshed tears glisten in the corners of her eyes. She blinks them back, and falls silent once more, refusing to give herself over completely.
They arrive at the library and find a settee deep in the stacks. "You have an advantage, kjære, one I gave you and I own that", she says as she makes herself comfortable, curled up on one end, bare feet tucked under her. "Thank you for being here with me. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable tonight ... and for all his being adorable, the rabbit isn't much of a protector."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
"This is all new and unfamiliar territory for us." Durro agrees. He sips his tea and stares down into the cup.
"I'd actually been meaning to talk to you, but it seems we keep missing each other. I know you and the others were wondering about me, after the cargo bay and other instances."
"I never talked about my experience on the Dark Planet. Such experiences are always deeply personal and I've never been one to talk about myself. What I experienced rattled me; shook me to my core and challenged the very foundation of my personal beliefs. I think I've come to peace with it though, so there shouldn't be any more... destruction."
He smiles slightly sheepishly.
"I'm sorry for the damage, and I thank you for your understanding."
Despite the unusually frank and open statements, the brief glimpse into the depths only proves there is much more than is visible from the surface.
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
"Don't worry about the training room. That's why it's there, right?" She laughs lightly.
"Physical damage can be repaired, Durro. Damages that occur inside ... that's a little more tricky." One side of her mouth quirks up at the irony of her being the one to say that to him. He's seen, or at least seen the ramifications, of what she's been experiencing since she woke up. He, however, is a mystery.
She stays curled against the corner when she has placed herself. She doesn't want him to feel crowded. "We wonder because we worry."
"It comes back to words again, doesn't it?. Why are they so hard, kjære? No matter how many languages we can speak, we find ourselves without them when we need them most and using the wrong ones at the worst possible time."
"If you say you have found peace, I will take you at your word. You should know, however, that it won't stop me from making sure you know that you aren't alone ... even if I don't always say it."
She drops her eyes into her cup as she takes a drink. "I never did thank you, BTW" It sounds like an abrupt change of topic, but he can tell that there's a thread running through her phrase that connects to their conversation
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
He sips his tea and glances at her. So... alone, even though he is right here. So still, which is uncharacteristic of her. He reaches out a hand and places it comfortingly on her shoulder, letting the gesture do the speaking for him while inviting her to continue.
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
She reaches up to take his hand in her own. It's warm from the teacup she has been clutching.
"I know it was meant as a placeholder only, a designation, a word to identify. But you gave me my name, a place to start. Not as a teacher or a Jedi, but as one being reaching out to another. You brought me with you to meet everyone, made sure I was welcomed. And because of that ..." she looks around, and then sinks down into herself, taking back her hand from his and wrapping it once more around the vessel she appears to be holding onto for dear life. The stuffed rabbit sits in the crook of her arm.
"You said it means "The Lost One". Durro, that's how I feel right now ... lost ... out of my depth ... and ashamed ... and very, very ..." She searches for the right word, but can't find it in basic. "... Sårbar" she says finally in Dathomiri.
"It's why I can't sleep. I've made some grave errors in judgement today. I have learned from them both how I need to proceed. Physical damage and all that. And maybe what I'm feeling is intensified by where we are. But I feel like I will be haunted by my mistakes today. And I don't know how to, how did you phrase it?, make peace with them.
He can see her mind turning over unspoken an question Hvordan kan jeg se dem i øynene When she finally looks back at him, its as though her eyes look through him, guileless and piercing.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
Durro sighs, and takes another sip of his tea. He looks thoughtful, withdrawing his own hand, and then finally speaks.
"We make peace when we stop fighting it." He says simply. "What's done is done, the past can't be changed. Accept it, more importantly learn from it, and move on. It's not easy; Force knows I'm still guilty of some emotional self-abuse, but at the end of the day we make our choices and must live with them. If we can get past the guilt and shame, our actions can tell us a lot about ourselves; things we may never have realized before."
"For example, I learned a lot about myself in my experience in the Labyrinth; the test we faced on the Dark Planet. The Labyrinth is designed to appear to give you what you want most; to entice you to stay until you are physically unable to leave. Your death means your consciousness is trapped in those crystal walls. Forever."
"The choices I made in the illusionary world I found myself in taught me a lot about myself; some things I did not like to see. I finally realized I can either fight it, run from it, or accept it and learn from it." He gives a sad sort of smile. "It's much easier said than done, I'll be the first to admit."
He sips his tea again, staring into the tiny amount left.
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
She sits quietly with the gift she has just been given. Her heart breaks for him, that he gave up what he most wanted to be … here. She promised him that she wouldn't ask and she will take that promise to her grave. But that doesn't stop her from feeling for him.
She sets her cup and her companion down on the floor. Slowly, she inches closer to him to set her knees against the side of his leg. He seems to need the contact as much as she, though it is only in this moment of his own confession that she feels comfortable to move towards him. "I'm so sorry, Kjære", compassion lowering her voice to a lyrical whisper.
"Fear. Guilt. Shame. It seems that the Dark Side is, in some ways, a greater teacher than the Light. The lessons are harder, but longer lasting. And somehow, despite it, we become brighter because of them."
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
He wraps his arm around her in a hug of sorts. Drawing comfort from her presence, as he hopes she does with his.
"So long as we don't succumb to it." He finishes. "That's the real lesson of the Dark Side. It's not whether or not we fall, for we will; countless times and in countless ways. The real test is what will we do when we fall. Will we lie there, wallowing in guilt, shame, and self-pity? Or will we rise to our feet, climb back on the path, and continue forging our way ahead? To keep fighting, never giving up."
"You and I, that's where we are. We've fallen; the Dark has knocked us on our rears. Now we must decide; stand and continue the fight, or curl up in surrender?"
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
Fallen - not a word she expected to hear from him. Between him, Tesara, and Astra, she's aware of the alternative meaning that word holds to a Jedi. She searches his eyes for understanding, so she doesn't read into it what isn't actually there. She's suddenly a little afraid for him, even as he speaks words of comfort for them both.
"Fallen", she says aloud now. From the crook of his arm, she reaches out to touch his face. His beard is rough under her hand and she pulls back quickly at the intimacy of the gesture, feeling like she has overstepped.
"Lost One I may be, but I know deep inside me that the Dark is not my path. It's not who I choose to be, at any rate, and I believe that I have some say in the matter. I guess what that means is that I continue to fight ... though maybe next time choose my battles more thoughtfully", she ends with a self-depricating smile as she grazes the back of her fingers down her throat. "I tend to lose rather spectacularly when I don't."
Her eyes roam over his, patient and probing. "And you, Jedi? Will you climb back on the path?"
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
"Jedi..." He say softly, definitely a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"Of course I'll get up; I always do. I'll keep fighting, because I know it's the right thing to do. It'd be so... easy to just give in. To walk away from the universe and live the rest of my life quietly as a farmer in the wilderness. To stop fighting. That's not who I am though; I'm the one who sacrifices so that others can attain their dreams. I'm the one who will never know peace so that others can live in harmony. I'm the one who will never rest, so that others have a place to lay their heads."
He squeezes her in a hug with his one arm, putting down his teacup with the other.
"As I promised; I'll always come back. I'll always return to those strong enough to share the journey."
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
Her violet eyes glisten; a heart already breaking for him shatters. "What of your dreams, your peace, your rest, Durro? Why can you not have both? Are these things not also reasons to fight? More, do they not aid you in that fight?"
Behind unshed tears, he can see a flame alive in her for the first time tonight. "How can you come back to m ... us if you don't believe you are worthy of the same things that you sacrifice yourself for?"
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
"At one point, I thought I could." Durro says. "The path I'm on was chosen for me; and I was set on when I was just a child. Only now do I see the destination, the sacrifices that will be made for life to exist. Of course, I can choose to walk away; choose not to play the game set before me. Though like in any game, to not play is to forfeit and to forfeit is to lose. In this case, my opponent is Darkness itself; incarnate in the Swarm. I'm sure I'll still have happiness; people I care about and moments of rest, but that's not my role. I was recently told my spirit is that of the storm. Restless, wandering, bringer of life but also of terrible destruction. The last thing I want is for those I care about to be caught in the storm and destroyed."
As he finishes, his arm falls away from her. His face hardens and a mask of calm composure comes over his face.
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
The tear falls. She pulls back, returning to her corner; watching as the iron barrier drops around him, shutting her out. "I see. I respect your choice, Ærverdige, though I will tell you that I disagree with it."
She reaches down, picks up her cup and Rancor, and rises from the sofa. "Thank you for the tea, the company, and the ... ", she is at a lack for the right word to express what she really wants to tell him. "I'll say good night then"
Silk rustles as she turns to leave the room. He can see his own hardening mirrored in her. With her back to him, what he can't see is that something she didn't even fully realize was inside her had just died.
Twice this night, she has felt for another, reached out, was vulnerable before them. Twice it had taken twists and turns she had not foreseen, though she should have. She musters all the grace and dignity that she can, resolving deeper that she will show no one else her innermost self. Nok en leksjon fra den Mørke Siden
She stops before the door and says, "I'm glad we had a day together, Kjære. I will miss you." She waits to see if there is any reply.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
Durro watches her walk towards the door, feeling the icy blast between them. Did it come from him, or her? Or both?
Suddenly, he knows what he wants. Has always known, but always been hesitant to reach out and take it.
"Wait." He says softly but firmly. He gets up and crosses over to her, embracing her in a tight hug and an intimate kiss.
"I came back, for you." he clarifies. "I knew, in the back of my mind, the entire time that my life in the Labyrinth was a lie. Knowing Astra needed me stirred me, but what actually broke the illusion was my specific promise to you, to come back. I came back and now..." A single tear runs down his cheek. "I don't want you to leave."
@Haj
Haj — 02/25/2022
Time stops and her senses explode. She is full of him in all her parts. If he hadn't been holding her, she would have dropped boneless to the floor.
She gazes up at him in wonder and raises her hand to his face, thumbing the wetness there, this time unafraid to touch him. She has no words, save three. "Som du ønsker", she says softly as she kisses him to welcome him home.
@Durro Thel-Tanis
Durro Thel-Tanis — 02/25/2022
/end
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