Looking for Tesara 6/10/22

[Anatketani]

Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara is staring at the Professor’s door.  She has been here for nearly 5 minutes now, undecided if she wants to knock.  Would he even answer?  She sighs and paces a little to alleviate her nerves.
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
Astra leaves the bridge. She very quickly went in search of Tesara. She started in all the usual places.  Tesara's room, the training area, and the kitchen, she was not there. "Where else could she be," Astra thought?" She thought as she nearly collided with Tesara in the hallway. " Tesara are you ok im sorry I did not mean to almost run into you" She said a bit panicked for a moment.

She took a step back and took a deep breath. " Iv been looking for you everywhere. Ummm...I owe you a high apology for what I said either. It was not fair to to for me me to hide those feelings from you. It also is not right for me not to trust you over one incident. I want to trust you I do. I'm just not sure how to move forward." She said. She hoped Tesara could at least understand what she was trying to tell her.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara is startled by Astra's appearance in the hallway outside Kenobi's door.  She listens as everything comes out in a rush.  The juxtaposition between the clone Astra and this one is jarring and unsettling.  She glances once more at the door to the professor's chambers and sighs.  "Let's talk somewhere more private."  She says quietly, then motions for Astra to walk beside her.  "I guess my room is as good as any to have this discussion."  She is speaking quietly not only because this is a topic she is dreading, but if Che'ri and the other Astra are still touring the ship, this is NOT a conversation she wants overheard.  Not by anyone, actually.  She leads Astra down to her own room and motions for Astra to step inside.  The closet door is still open and her green dress is still visible.  She waits for Astra to enter then closes the door firmly behind her.  "Let's sit on the floor - it's more even ground than one sitting on the bed and the other not."  She says, settling carefully into a cross-legged position on the floor.  She waits for Astra to do the same, then speaks.  "That you don't trust my judgment is both legitimate and flawed."  She says evenly.  "I don't even know how long it has been since the Professor gave me the ultimatum of leaving you behind on your own on that random planet if you didn't agree to take the medication he was insisting on.  But I know it was at least three months ago and maybe even five.  That you have been hanging on to this for that long is....hurtful."  She says quietly.  "Astra I knew we needed you on this mission.  His ultimatum was absolute.  Leave you behind with no medication or bring you along with it.  Forgive me if I chose to keep you with us and not alone on a distant planet with very little supplies and information on how to get home again."  She does sound bitter now, looking across at the person she thought she knew so well.  Chosen sister with a secret of distrust.  It hurt.

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
Astra follows Tesara quietly. She sits on the ground with her. " to be fair that medication was killing us. The professor was poisoning me. Stranded is a far better option than me being dead. But it is in the past it was extremely unfair of me to hold on to that and not trust you." She said after a moment of listening.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara holds up a finger.  "THAT information was not provided to you or the professor or me until after the decision had been made for you to take it and continue on with it.  If I had known that it was killing your friends I would have packed my things and exited the ship with you if the old bastard still demanded it.  To my memory, he ceased demanding you take the medication when it became clear what was happening and Durro stepped in to convince him to knock it off.  So I understand your bitterness and distrust of me but I refuse to eat that.  My decision was sound with the information I had at the time, Astra.  It wasn't until we were already off planet and in hyperspace that this came out.  I just wish desperately you had come to me sooner so that you didn't carry this around and allow it to fester within you this whole time.  I don't understand why, but what's done is done."  She closes her eyes for a moment, breathing in and exhaling, bringing the Force into herself to center her emotions.  She opens her eyes and looks at Astra.  "I accept your apology.  That was the legitimate part of my judgment.  Now for the flawed part.  That was when I allowed my attachments to Durro and my fear to change my mind.  The idea that he may actually be dead and I would have to somehow lead this entire mission going forward without him or the bedamned professor's guidance was terrifying.  I allowed Haj's impassioned words to sway me from the decision to leave to ensure the safety of the girls. It's clear to me now that my attachment to Haj is also in need of some serious adjustment.  I have to learn to say no and do something needful even if it is scary or painful. It's hard and painful to look in the mirror and realize your own faults and complexes.  Fear was, and in some ways still is at the helm.  That has to stop, and it has to stop now." She swallows hard.  "I'm sorry for putting you and everyone else in danger by not leaving when I should have."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" Your right I should have thought befor I spoke and it is in the past. I'm determined to drop it. I will also try to avoid holding on to things and try to come to you if I have a problem rather than keeping it hidden and to myself" She said gently.

"you're being far too harsh on yourself, prevouse insensitive statements did not help you there. Tesara whoever said that you had to take the lead?" She asked.

" Also not for nothing, I would have made the same choice I did not like the idea of risking the girl's lives in firefighting. There had to have been other options available to us. For example, escaping into the sewers the way Durro got onboard." Astra said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara sighs, but nods.  "There is a really fine line between dismissing my decision as a bad one and recognizing it as such and brushing it off because it's easier to believe that I was in the right.  I appreciate your words, but I have to remember this the next time I am faced with a decision I know is the right one and NOT take the easy path because we both know where that leads.  I may be more harsh on myself right now than you think is needful, and I will likely ease up on myself when we're all safe again.  But for right now, I cannot and will not backslide into allowing fear to rule me.  None of us can, Astra."  She says quietly.  "Thank you for saying you'll come to me if you have a problem or a concern instead of hiding it and allowing it to fester.  Not going to lie, that hurt.  And it hurt when Haj told me she's done being my student in favor of learning from Ashanti.  But I don't own Haj, she is free to make her own choices.  I'll still be her friend...and yours...as long as I can walk that fine line between being friends and making choices based on unhealthy patterns of attachment."  She sighs again.  "What a mess we are.  All of us."  She looks uselessly at the ceiling.  "And he hides in his tower while we struggle."  She sounds bitter and unhappy.

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
"I'm so sorry I hurt you, I still consider you to be my sister.  Sol's Uncle is a mess we should forget him as he is a part of the past if he wishes to return he will. as for Haj wanting to learn from Ashanti I was pretty shocked by that." Astra said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara huffs out a breath.  "I almost banged on that door demanding he come out and be a part of this mission and stop hiding away."  She snorts.  "As for Haj, I do understand, after some of the physical beatings she has taken over the last months, why she would want to learn from Ashanti.  But...they despise each other so I have NO idea how THAT is going to pan out."  She looks across at Astra.  "What about you?  You admitted to some hard things back there."  She asks, meaning the get-it-all-out-on-the-table conversation they'd just had.  They were alone and talking, so now it was Astra's turn.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
Astra stared at her" The problem I admitted to with Durro and Haj is actually with myself not with them." She said stopping to think wanting to explain this right.

She pused taking a deep breth. " I umm... So with Haj im afraid I will make a mistake tease her or make another joke that will send her over the edge again. As for Durro it more my own fear and inability to trust that I am actually ready to be a jedi knight. I don't want to disappoint him  " She said quietly.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara sits back, starting to feel more like herself now.  "Well, I am pretty sure I remember being told that Haj was upset at your teasing because it hurt her feelings.  She was in a very raw and painful place when that conversation was happening and I think your attempt at...."  she pauses, trying to come up with the correct term,  "lightening the mood with humor?  was taken as a personal attack on her.  There's a time and place for humor and a time and place to just listen with compassion and allow the other person to know you're a good listener and friend.  I think what Haj was hurt by was that she took your joking badly.  I myself have seen Haj laughing and cutting up but it was never when she was in a place of utter vulnerability."  She says.  "Haj is much tougher than any of us know, but right then, flayed and broken and forced into a hoverchair...may not have been the best time to joke.  But...I know you WERE joking.  You're not that cruel, Astra.  Just remember the next time you feel the need to joke, make sure it's not to lighten the mood when difficult things are happening or being discussed."  She says gently.  "Durro once said to me 'Read the room.' and what he meant was, pay attention to the energy of something and go with it instead of trying to change it.  That's just my opinion."  She says, then shifts a little.  "As for Durro, he truly believed you were ready to be a Jedi knight when he knighted you.  It's YOU that are afraid you're not living up to expectations.  But YOU are the only one who can change that.  No one is perfect, Astra.  No one gets it right at first.  Durro has been doing this a LONG time and even HE admitted to being afraid.  You told me recently to stop beating myself up, so I say the same to you.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" I know she took my attempts as a personal attack, she had asked me not to do it again so I have been trying not to at least when she is involved. I will admit her turning around and making a joke after that confused me," she admitted.

The statement about being a jedi knight hit her harder than what durro had said to her. " I... Worked for this my entire life but now I feal as if there is clear path, it's funny I come from a line of rulers people who could lead and yet I can't even see the path ahead" She said shaking her head with a rye smile.

"Nonetheless you are right," She said gently.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara actually smiles, but it's tinged with sadness.  "Astra, you said you can't see the path ahead but....you're a Seer.  You are choosing not to see the path ahead because you are scared of your own power.  Set everything aside about me and Haj and Durro, even the clone of you on board right now, and take a look at what you just said.  You can't see the path ahead because you are willingly choosing not to tap into the incredible powers you wield.  You're afraid because you feel out of control when your visions come unbidden.  The more you face those fears....any fear really, and overcome them, the stronger you become.  The more experience you gain with it, the more you learn."  She reaches out and touches Astra's forehead in the space between her eyes.  "Right here is the power to see the future and the past.  Something none of us have.  Astra, I spoke to this clone of yours.  She showed me what you can do and it nearly knocked me off my feet!  You can do this!"  She says firmly.  "I believe in you.  I believe you can do this, and whatever happens next with Durro and the Sith Queen and Qui-- Vos you won't be doing it alone.  She squeezes Astra's hand and sits back.  "He cannot have any power over you if you don't let him."  She says quietly.

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
"Your right Tesara, Haj said to me that there is something wrong about me having this ability and being to afraid to use it" She said quietly. she thought " Mind walking is how its accomplished" She said quietly.

" I don't intend to let him or the Sith Queen have any power over me I will be going with Durro. I have to see him i need to face him." she said
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara’s mouth falls open. “What?  Astra there’s one thing to face fears one at a time but you’re biting off a giant one there!  What did Durro say?”  She thinks of her conversation with CA, but simply waits for Astra to reply. She trusts Durro but if he agreed to this, she would be stunned.  THAT would be a test of trust!  She reminded herself that Ashanti would be with Astra, but again she doesn’t say that out loud.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" He agreed reluctantly he said if I wanted to face my fears we could go together. Tesara I need to do this one it will hopefully keep Quinn from searching the ship for me and two I need to face him a again even if I don't speak to him I still need to see him" She said hoping desperately that Tesara would understand. " I'm tired of being afraid, I will not let this control me further I can not cornute to live like this, contusing will lead me further down the path of the dark side" She said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara stares openly at Astra.  Fear roils inside her and she clamps down on it. She breathes for a moment, pulling the Force around her like a cloak.  CA released her from her vow even though this Astra isn’t aware of it. Durro will be with her.  What right does she have to demand or beg her not to go?  None. But she’d be damned if she wasn’t going to remind Astra of what she was about to get herself into. “And when you’ve faced Quinn and defeated him?  You’ll have to kill him to do that. What about her?  How do you plan on making sure she doesn’t break every part of you and enslave you to do her bidding?”  She asks. Her tone isn’t harsh or judgmental, but firm and pointed. “And What does Ashanti think of this?”
@Princess Astra Korraay  @TheTraveler
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
"Killing Him may no be necessary we are going to a negotiation under a flag of truce a fight may not be necessary. It not about getting into a fight its about being able to see him stand tall and face my fear of him. If they wanted to capered us they would have already done so what ever it is she wants is pretty important. I dont know what Ashinti would think" She said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara is speechless. She opens and closes her mouth so much she looks like a fish.  Finally, she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.  A voice whispers in her mind reminding her that this decision is not hers to make.  “I just have one thing to say. I’ve been called naive before, and I am. But I’m just asking you to hope for the best but plan for the worst.”  She closes her eyes.  “Trust in the Force.”  She opens her eyes again.  “Are we all right?”  She asks softly.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" Of course if it comes down to a fight then I will fight But I will not be alone, Ill have my Master and Ashanti with me this time i will not hesitate to ask for her help ether" Astra said.

She thinks for a moment " I am ok and willing to trust you again I'm reedy to move past the incident with the professor. are you ok with me now?" She asked
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara is silent for a moment.  Willing to trust me again? she thinks.  She feels a slight sting of indignance wash over her. She tries to breathe through it. This is a choice she has to face. Does SHE trust Astra?  It’s not an easy question. But Astra is about to go into extreme danger. She’d never forgive herself if her last words to Astra were hard or caused more strife between them.  She makes a conscious choice to let it go.
“Yes.” She says.  “Tell Ashanti that if you both survive this, I owe you both a bottle of the Professor‘s best liquor. And chocolate.”  She gets to her feet.  “I need to go start dinner for us. Before you leave with Durro.”  She says, making sure not to allow fear to overwhelm her.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
Astra stands" I still need to speak to Haj but i also agreed not to wonder the ship alone if you don't mind perhaps I can help you" she asked.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara pulls Astra into a gentle hug.  “Of course you can if you want, but I know you may need to make a solid plan with Durro.”  She pulls away, puts her hand on Astra’s shoulders.  “Do what you need to do to prepare to face them.”  She says.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" Like I said I promised Haj I would not wander the ship alone, and Durro suggested I do what ever I needed to prepare" she said
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara opens the door to her room.  “So Ashanti doesn’t have anything to say about this?  I find that a little strange.”  She murmurs.  She walks towards the kitchen with the intent to start dinner prep.
@TheTraveler  @Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" if she dose she has not said Anything to me" Astra said following her.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
“Hmm. Usually she has opinions.”  Tesara enters the kitchen and is relieved to see it has been cleaned up after the incident with Haj and clone Astra.  “So what are you doing to prepare?“ She asks, pulling out food, bowls, and other cooking implements. She wants this meal to be a good one. It may be a very long time before she sees Durro and Astra again.  She silently prays she is wrong.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
" I spent some time meditating mostly about the resent events and realised how mean and insensitive to you I was. I also realized that Haj was right I have a huge issue with trust more so with myself then with you all I needed to apologize to you and try to make things right and I know I need to be in control of my fear and distrust so the Queen can not use it against me" She said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
Tesara is again taken aback.  “Mean and insensitive?”  She frowns.  “If you were it was never to my face.” She begins chopping vegetables.  “If you harbored distrust of me I never knew it until today. In fact it stunned me so completely I could barely speak.”  She says calmly.  “In fact I have spent most of my day being utterly gobsmacked again and again I have a bit of a headache from the whiplash.”  She continues cooking as if life is normal.  “I’m not sure what Durro will do for his chain of command but I’ll likely be shocked at that as well.”  She says, hearing her own voice from far away. Numbness is settling in. She methodically continues cooking and pulling upon the Force to keep herself present and calm.  Exhaustion is starting to creep in with the numbness but she continues. “I wonder if they’ll confiscate your lightsabers when they take you to see her.”  She wonders aloud.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/10/2022
she lissions quietly. " I'm sorry you have a head ack is there anything I can do to help" She asked as she started work prepping another part of the meal. Astra's eyes go wide " I had not even thought of that it may be a bad idea to take it" she said then goose quiet. She thinks "But I may need it if the Queen gets ahold of it though I could lose a huge part of my family's history" She said quietly unsure of what to do. " But she asked us there for under a flag of truse so they may not take them " She added clearly trying to think throw the problem.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/10/2022
“I’ll be fine.”  Tesara says absently, continuing to work.  “I wasn’t aware there was anything about a flag of truce.”  She frowns. “Haj said the message was that the Sith Queen wants to talk to Durro and your honeymoon suite was waiting.”  She looks disgusted at the insult. “Who found out about a flag of truce?”  She looked at Astra.  Something wasn’t adding up. “You never go anywhere without your lightsaber.”  She says. “Even if it gets confiscated, you may have a fighting chance of getting it back to defend yourself. Besides, any pretense of a truce is laughable. This woman is brutal and ruthless.  Truces are for the weak and she is not weak.  She’s planning on Durro’s hope that you can negotiate.  She likely has no intention of actually negotiating.”  She licks her fingers and spoons food into serving bowls.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" Haj did i think" Astra said.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara pauses, frowning.  “Haj had a second message from the Sith?”  She sets down the bowl, looking confused. “Why didn’t Durro mention a truce?  This doesn’t make any sense.”  She shakes her head.  “Then again nothing else does so why should this?  This entire day has been utterly bonkers.”
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
"Yeah when we sent a Ashanti out. Doesn't the white flag mean a truse anyway" She asked.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara blinks. “I didn’t see as much of it as others did. I know they both returned alive. A white flag does represent a truce but I’d believe Handyman could ballet dance before believing the Sith Queen and her entourage of goons truly offer a truce.”  She snorted.  “I don’t trust them one bit.”  Her tone softened a little when she spoke again.  “But I do trust Durro.”  She looks at Astra.  “He must have a good reason for agreeing to having you go with him. Likely he trusts the Force.”  She murmurs, thinking of her vision.  “I have to as well.”
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" he dose, but he also understands why I need to do this I think, you don't understand do?" She said
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara stops what she is doing to look at Astra for a long moment.  “I would understand it better if your goal was to face Quinn and sever the ties between you by severing his head.  But you’re not. Astra, there is a difference between being afraid of something and being prepared of possibilities before going into battle.  I’m aware you are facing your fears and I’m proud of you for it, but you should be fully aware of what you’re going up against.”
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" I know there's a chance of a fight I know this is risky. Are you afraid I can't do it? Are you afraid I will come back more broken then I already am or that I'll fall to the dark side" Astra asked.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara sets her hands on the counter and looks directly at Astra. “I’m afraid they’ll break you in ways you haven’t even considered. IF you’re captured she has plans to use you. If you can withstand the onslaught of mental and physical abuse then you stand a chance.  But….” She sighs.  “Astra, you’re a prize she desperately wants. I will fight tooth and nail to free you because I love you but this is extremely dangerous. The truth is, the easy way IS the dark side. If you survive this ….you might succeed in not falling to the dark side, but at what cost?”  She asks quietly.  “Astra, she may FORCE you to kill Quinn just out of torture amusement.”
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" Tesara I love you too. I'm well aware way she wants me. An ability I never asked for one of spent my life running from. Now im running from a man I love. If not now then when do I stop running and face this all of this. I can't run from who I am and I can't control to run from them. There has to be an end to it. I am not making this choice lightly Tesara. " She said she felt her eyes start to water so she shut then to keep herself from crying and settle herself down.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
There it is..  She thinks to herself.  “All right.”  She says.  “As long as you are fully aware and prepared.”  She finishes making dinner and sets it all in the warmer until they’re ready.    “Want me to walk with you to your room or somewhere else?”  She asks as she washes her hands.
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" If you would not mind coming with me to find Haj. I do still need to speak to her " She asked.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara nods, dries her hands.  “Let’s go.”  She says.  There is something odd about her that Astra can’t quite place.
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
" Tesara is something bothering you" she asked.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara shouldn’t be surprised, but she is.  What is that, the tenth time today someone has said or done something unexpected?  She stops in the hallway and stares at Astra.  “Astra, would you be ‘okay’ if you knew I was about to go into terrible danger and you knew you had to let me go and not tie me to a chair to stop me?”  She blurts out.  “No I’m not okay.”  She says in exasperation.  “I’m doing everything in my power to stay grounded and follow the will of the Force but give me some patience and leeway to be struggling with it.”  She finishes. Her voice is trembling a little.  If Astra looks closer she’ll see that Tesara is truly struggling not to lose control again.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
Astra stops and pulls Tesara into a hug. " im sorry this is so hard on you" She said gently.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara hugs her back, grateful for the gesture.  She pulls herself back together and pulls away.  “That helped.”  She says.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/11/2022
Astra smiled " I'm worried I will not return ether. But it will be ok. I'll be ok Tesara." She said a almost sad tone to her voice.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
Tesara only nods and starts walking again to find Haj.
/end?
TheTraveler — 06/11/2022
(OOC: At this time, you two will find Haj on the bridge with Durro. TIME 1700)
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
(OOC I don’t think only 30 minutes passed! Tesara was upstairs in front of the professors door then they went to her room and talked for a long time and then went to the kitchen and continued to talk and prepared a full dinner. Now they are in the hallway. More than 30 minutes had to have passed!))
@TheTraveler
TheTraveler — 06/11/2022
(OOC: I missed the meal cooking. Tesara left the bridge before Astra did. When Astra's scene was over it was 1630. But I can adjust time to be 1730)
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
((thank you! I will leave it up to as to where we find Durro and Haj but they would have left the bridge by 1730.))
TheTraveler — 06/11/2022
(OOC: there is no indication that they are leaving the bridge. I will give them a few more posts before merging the two scenes)
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
I think you need to read their scene, because Durro is claiming that they are leaving on their way to his quarters to get a pair of light sabers to spar with
TheTraveler — 06/11/2022
yeap, you are right..
Tesara Anerin — 06/11/2022
>>>preens