Laerer's Concern 5/10/22

[Anatketani]

Haj — 05/10/2022
The staff meeting breaks and the crew rises to go about their day. The interloper is gone, taking more questions with her than answers left behind.

"We wait, Haj thinks as she heads to the kitchen to clean up. Wait for Tesara to imbue her crystal. Wait to see when, or if, Ben will return and what state he will be in. Just wait. She has been on this ship for too long. And finding out that the "time psychosis" was made up excuse to get her and Astra under sedation doesn't sit well with her. She had an answer for what she experienced. Now she has none. And that bothers her more than she will let on to the others. She has said her piece to them. Now it will be hers to mull over.

Haj rises from the table and heads to the kitchen. Alang'idi may have made a delicious breakfast, but she didn't bother to stick around for the clean-up. "Deity ... hmmmpf! Good gods clean up the messes they make," she grumbles lightly as she sets about the task at hand.

As she's working, she finds her mind wandering back to the past several days. Eventually, she finds her way to the song that was playing over and over; the one she was determined to learn that would get her through times of doubt and struggle. Singing as she putters putting things aright, mind finding peace in the music, she doesn't hear @Tesara Anerin come in behind her.
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara comes up, picks up a towel and begins to dry the dishes draining in the sink.  "Hey."  She says softly.  "I wanted to come talk to you before I go into seclusion to imbue my crystal."  She says, watching Haj.
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj blinks and looks up from her light meditative state. "Lærer," she laughs lightly, "you startled me. I expected you to be headed to your task."

She sets the washrag down and turns off the water. Turning to @Tesara Anerin , she leans against the counter, arms and legs crossed in a familiar, comfortable pose. " I know Durro wants to leave this planet as quickly as possible and I can't say I blame him. The sooner we are away from this shattered hourglass, the better I will be. I feel like I've aged a thousand years ... and like I haven't talked to you in at least that long."

She shifts uncomfortably. "Not to be disrespectful, Master Anerin,  but what could be so important to talk with me about that you placed it ahead of your kyber crystal, especially since we can talk at length once we are on our way to Priloc?"
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara smiles, but it is obvious she is feeling similar to Haj.  "Yes, time is playing tricks with us."  She sighs.  "I spoke to Astra and find myself more confused than ever.  She gave me her side but I would like yours.  What happened?"  She asks.  There is only honest curiosity, no hint of blame or irritation.
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj looks circumspect. "That's both a vague and loaded question, @Tesara Anerin. Could you please narrow what you mean when you say that she gave you her side but you would like mine. Remember, it's been several days for us. Lots has happened. Which part is most important for you to hear?"
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara nods.  "My apologies, it feels like my head is spinning.  I knew that there was some kind of mix up with rat poisoning because I was in the room with Durro when that message came across.  I dismissed it as just a simple mistake and didn't think anything of it because no one had ACTUALLY been poisoned.  She said she trained you on Telepathy, which is something that is on my list to train you in, so at least that is one thing you will be familiar with when we return to studies.  But she was nervous and upset that somehow I might be angry.  It certainly took me off guard but I assured her I wasn't upset.  I just wished I had been here while she was doing it, because I am not training you to be a Jedi, and I was not sure if her way of training Telepathy was somehow connected to the way the Jedi do it."  She sighs heavily.  "She went on to say she teased you and you took it badly.  There was some kind of disagreement or something I think?  She stated she was nervous that your own programming had been activated somehow, but that Sol was there when the normal others within her mind were not.  So if I am right, there was suspicion between you both. Apparently Sol convinced her to get a blaster set to stun rather than use her lightsaber or her Force abilities should things come to blows with the two of you as she didn't want to hurt you.  I believe that was likely HER programming using Sol's face, but...that is neither here nor there.  She said you paced outside her door and she was not sure what you were going to do.  Then...please forgive me this is where things get muddled for me...she says she stepped outside her door and you charged her with a stun baton.  She says somehow it was worked out that neither of you attacked and you both walked away.  Then there was something about the observation deck doors being torn off?"  She looks a bit miserable.  "I'm sorry, it's very confusing. I'd like your side of this story."
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj chuckles wrily and shakes her head just a little. "Ah ... not asking for much, I see."

She turns to the stove and tests the kettle to see if it's still hot. Finding that it needs a warm up, she turns the heat on under it and gets a cup. "You might want to get something to drink, Master Anerin. This will take a while," she says as she heads to the pantry to get the tea. When the two women have their beverages, they settle down in the dining room.

"First you should know that the Princess and I had a conversation where I dissuaded her to join you and Durro in the village. She lead me to believe that there was a risk to her safety, but that she was going to rush headlong into a situation because she didn't trust that you and Durro could handle the girls by yourselves ... and some notion that a Jedi Knight doesn't hide in her room when faced with a potentially threatening situation. As I am fond of saying - fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. But I'm getting ahead of myself."

She take a sip of tea. "Once the Princess sent you the message that she was staying behind to help with my injuries, we settled into meditation. Durro came in to let me know what he found out, including about Master Drease's insights about the Crusade programming and that he had been contacted by, what did you call her, the First?, though that's not what we knew it to be at the time.  Its pretty much here where things go completely off the rails."

She takes another sip and watches @Tesara Anerin for any reaction before continuing
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara blinks in surprise. "Astra was going to join us?"  She frowned.  "But she knew she might be in danger from the Valfolk thinking she had been chosen for sacrifice...it was why I smuggled her out of the village in the first place!"  She pinches the bridge of her nose.  "I am assuming you talked her out of it? I would have been very upset had she suddenly shown up with us.  And there wouldn't have been a damn thing I could do about it either."  She sighs.  "Go on."
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj nods, "As I said, I dissuaded her from joining you. That, I believe, might have been the first Sabacc card that toppled the house. It might have been better for everyone if she had joined you."

She sighs. "The next part you know. I would likely have made both of us terribly sick if Astra hadn't seen the rat poison on the counter. Do I believe that it would have killed us? No. But, Tesara, she wouldn't let it go! She had to call Durro & tell him. She sniped and poked at me every time I mentioned going to the kitchen for anything. Even when she said that she wouldn't tease me again, they were the first words out of her mouth the next morning!" Haj takes a breath to calm herself. "Again, I'm skipping ahead. Please forgive me."

She settles herself for the next part of the story. "In an effort to, how did she phrase it, ah yes, 'take both our minds off of this situation and fill the time until Master, Tesara, and the girls return' she took it upon herself to 'teach me some of the traditions and discipline she grew up in'. It was something called "Clouds and Breezes" and is supposedly both a fighting style & some sort of reflective pool meditation. In truth, it's a good tool for that. Each pool is a different vessel for an emotion through which the Force flows. When those pools are blocked, and each emotion has a specific block, the Force doesn't flow properly. I don't understand all of it, as the Princess never really explained how to use the tool other than as a meditation on self-reflection. But she took her time, & a great deal of pride, watching me pick at all the things that could be blocking my connection to the Force, starting with my greatest fear. That particular discussion lead to her," Haj clears her throat as her face darkens, "making a correlation between my inability to control my emotions, how I let them rule me, and how the Dark Side used that to corrupt Quinn ... as though that were my fate rather than my greatest fear."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara closes her eyes for a moment.  Emotions rage within her but she takes long, slow, calming breaths, calling upon the Force to center her back to a place where she can listen objectively.  "She didn't say she had taught you anything other than Telepathy.  I have never heard of these pools.  I know clouds and breezes is a fighting style but beyond that I don't know anything about it.  I can see how it may be helpful so I will do my best to research what it is and how it works.  If you're interested we can look into using it, as it does at least sound as if it could be used as a tool to process emotions."  She says.  She takes a sip of her drink and looks at Haj.  "Your fate is what you make it and has nothing to do with Quinn.  Those were Astra's words and her opinion, but you do not have to take them in and give them power unless you want to."  She says quietly.

@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj quirks one corner of her mouth. "Sometimes you sound so much like your former master, it's frightening. The meditation makes sense to me, and will be a useful tool, once I learn how to stop moving long enough to look into them. I'll take that much, leave the rest, and be grateful for the instruction, though I have to own that her teaching style will need some refinement. She is eager, and prideful, and may do more harm than good until she finds her way, which she, herself, admitted." Haj recites Astra's words from memory to Tesara. "Please forgive my inexperience as some of this I am still learning myself"

She sips her tea and returns the cup to the table, hands wrapped around it. "During the tutelage, I had to take a break and lie down. I was still weak from my injuries, which is why the Princess stayed behind, or that's what she told Durro. You know, now that I think about it, she never once tried to actually tend what ailed me the whole time we were together. Huh ..."

Haj shakes off the notion and continues. "It was then that she changed the subject rather abruptly. Said that she wanted to teach me something less difficult. I mentioned that it would be prudent for me to be able to connect with you all when I am alone and a commlink isn't prudent. She said there was a skill, Telepathy, that would work for that. She gave me instruction on how to send emotions, images, and words, though only one, maybe two at most. She also said that you and Durro, and that she and Durro share some sort of deeper connection that requires a, how did she phrase it, special bond? I assume that its because you were both his Padawan at one point. But then," she cocks an eyebrow, the corner of her mouth quirking up once more, "neither of you have taken him to your heart or your bed, so there should be some deeper connection forming there for which I have a special dispensation." She ends with a smile and a wink
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara grins again.  "True.  Durro and I can communicate across great distances via our connection in the Force.  But it is not necessarily Telepathy.  That works a little differenty.  As for sending emotions through the Force, I know it can be done, and I know Durro knows how to do it.  I have never done it.  I would like to try, but honestly I believe it should only be used in situations where great stress is involved.  Otherwise you are pushing your own agenda and your Will upon someone else without their consent."  She says.  "As for Astra teaching, I do think she will be able to someday, but it's very new to me as well.  We're not perfect, and we will make mistakes.  I also think that Astra is terribly uncomfortable with anything that could lead to conflict and in an effort to diffuse situations, she will fall back on humor without realizing that it doesn't work with everyone.  In some cases, the person can react worse rather than relaxing and finding humor alongside her.  Again, no one is perfect.  We learn as we go."

@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj cocks her head. "The Princess said bond you & she share with Durro seems to be based in Telepathy,  but it allows you to communicate freely across vast distances. Moreover, she said that you all can share full memories with each other. She said that you & I may be able to do eventually, as I am your apprentice." Haj looks critical at the association. "Please forgive me, Tesara - Your student I may be, but never your apprentice. I have no aspirations to join any Order, not even Durro's."

Her gaze softens. "The Princess also said that Durro & I may also have a connection that could allow that depth of connection and communication. We may, well, indeed. It would explain how he could enter my mind ..." she trails off as she follows that train of thought down it's rabbit hole.

Shaking it off, she continues. "It was when she tried to teach me the skill of Enhancing my Senses that it all unraveled. I started to get tired & frustrated & really should have bowed out to rest. Astra even asked me, more than once, if I needed a break. I own, full well, that my own damnable pride got the better of me, especially once the Princess burst into a fit of giggles & dropped to the floor, laughing at my burning, if flawed, desire to learn as much as I can from anyone who will teach me. And I would like to say that I'm exaggerating when I say that, but, Tesara ... " Haj's face flushes deeply at the memory.

"I acted rashly, foolishly, pushing myself past my limits in an attempt to prove that I was, somehow, at least the equal of the beknighted child rolling around on floor of my room, one who had supposedly earned the right and respect of her Master to teach others."

Haj tries to gather herself, to let go of the residual anger & humiliation from the incident. With her eyes closed, she says quietly, "If the laughter wasn't enough, she made a comment that cut to the quick of my foolishness. Any restraint I might have had left vanished in that moment."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara cannot help the tiny groan that escapes her.  She calls on the Force to steady her.  She reaches out and takes Haj's hand and squeezes gently to let her know she is heard.  "I need to address this point by point, but please continue, as I can tell there is more."
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj take s a deep breath, opens her eyes & does as she was asked by her friend and teacher. "Tesara, I own it. I should not have allowed my pride, my stubbornness, or temper to goad me into behaving rashly. It's one of my worst flaws, the one that almost got me and Durro killed. And if you think that I don't know that in my soul each moment I feel my heart explode with love every time he's near me ... " her eyes well with the thought that she was so close to losing him, and it was her fault.

Haj wipes her eyes and clears her throat. "My pride pushed my body past what it was capable of. I passed out in the chair while the Princess and I were on our way to the cargo bay for a game of Enhanced Senses Hide and Seek. I was exhausted and never should have pushed her into it. She tried to convince me to stay behind. But she didn't try very hard and was easily swayed to keep going." Haj's head drops. She can't look Tesara in the face as she speaks her next words.

"She had to revive me, for which I should be grateful. But as she did it, she derided me for it. Told me I was too stubborn and that I needed to go back to bed, as though I were a child. Tesara, I will own that my actions were childish. But she had no call to talk to me as though I were one of the girls.  When I admitted that her teasing made me angry, and embarrassed, and I let it get the better of me, her reply, while I believe was honestly sincere and apologetic, was that she never actually meant any harm, just some fun, and then told me that I 'could tease her right back'." Haj's face darkens once more.

"After that ... Lærer, I don't know what happened! I mean, I know what happened, I just don't know how .. or why ..." She sits back, picking up the cup. The tea inside is now cold. She grimaces as the beverage passes her lips, but she swallows none-the-less, taking the time to collect what she has to explain to Tesara next
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
"Ahh here we come to this odd episode, yes?"  She asks.  "Go on."
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj holds the cup, as if to steady her hands and give her mind a focus. Her eyes, however, are not. She is seeing the events that transpired as though separate from them, actively trying to detach from the confusion and panic that drove her that day.

"Lærer, I woke from sleep and headed to the galley. I hadn't eaten since … you know I don't remember when. I felt a little dizzy, then I heard you and the Princess talking ... but as though were echoes in my mind. You were talking about me, upset or …. disappointed, maybe? … about how I was unable to control myself and incapable of handling more advanced techniques. Astra agreed, telling you that I was so weak that I couldn't even stay conscious through the whole lesson. For what it's worth, you were not happy that the Princess had crossed a line. But you told her that you believed that my training should stop ... for everybody's wellbeing, including mine."

She blinks at the memory. "I was overcome. I had to sit down. And then I saw … something. Tesara, I was ready to assume that whatever I heard was nothing more than my inner doubts with the volume turned up as a result of lack of food. But then the Professor and Falynn walked in … walked … right through me. They weren't really there. It was like watching ghosts replaying a scene that had happened already. As I said, I was ready to dismiss what I had heard … until I saw … that. Astra and I had already seen Ben and Falynn once not long before that, in the flesh, on board the Gungnir. I knew they were here. And their words were ... the conversation I heard in the galley at that moment had actually happened just after Durro and I were rescued from the storm. We were still in the bacta tanks, for Frigg's sake! And their voices weren't ... voices. They were in my head, like yours and Astra's just moments before."

There is a slightly haunted look in Haj's eyes when she finally makes contact with @Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara tries but fails to look calm but in truth it is obvious that she is a little alarmed.  "Hang on, you saw a conversation between myself and Astra?  And one between the Professor and Master Falynn?  But....I wasn't even here!  I was in the village!  Are you sure you weren't hallucinating due to the time...."  she waves her hands around in the air, not remembering the technical term, "whatever it is called?  It feels to me like what you saw was plucked directly from your fears and THAT is a little too insidious for me.  Maybe it was the programming?  Oh Haj you must have been so upset!"  She says, looking distraught.  "I don't know if it is any consolation, but I do not think that.  I promise if I ever start to feel like we have to halt your training, I will come to YOU and not Astra.  Whatever it was that... hallucination of me...it wasn't real."  She looks upset.
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj reaches out to hold Tesara's hand. "No, Lærer, I heard you and Astra. I saw the Professor and Falynn. But neither of those is really the right words. Your voices were .... echoes .... feelings ... not really ... words. Not really.

She sits back in her chair once more. "Could it have been the Programming? Maybe. Could it have been time psychosis? Not according to what Durro just told us. He said that he and Handyman concocted that excuse to get us both into the MedBay for the procedure. Its not real. Was I hallucinating? Honestly, I don't know. And I didn't know then, which is why I went to get the Princess. I figured she would have more knowledge and experience and could explain it to me. Instead, I got teased, again, about what a danger I was in the kitchen and how I was out to kill her. I laughed it off, Tesara. I didn't want a repeat of the previous night. But it stung deeply and set the tone for the rest of the encounter."

She sighs. "Tesara, I told her about seeing Ben and Falynn, but not about hearing her and you talking. She said it was likely an unbidden Farseeing vision and that such occurrences were common for people who are not Seers, like herself. She said that she believed that it was a vision of something that happened in the past. I asked her if these occurrences could show us the past, could they also show the future. She said yes ... and then she asked if I saw something from the future ... and she wouldn't let it go. She kept asking and asking about what else I saw. I will admit that I was keeping things from her. I didn't think it was prudent to tell her what I heard, especially after what happened the night before. So I didn't tell her what I'm telling you. That may have been a mistake. I own that. But she missed the context that it was none of her business. She pushed into places where she was not invited, as she is want to do. It set me on edge and our conversation devolved into a place of distrust."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara appreciates the extra explanation.  She closes her eyes for a moment, reaching out once again for the Force to center her.  After a moment, she opens her eyes.  "I have absolutely NO idea what it was.  I have only ever experienced Farseeing when I specifically sat down and called upon that skill.  And the ONLY thing I ever get from it when trying to seek the future is a jumbled mess of visions that could be one possibility out of thousands.  I only ever get clarity when I look into the past using that skill.  So...I have no idea how you may have done this without specifically calling upon the Force to show it to you.  But even if it was supposed to be a future, as I said, it is one of thousands...likely millions.  So...for now, pay it no heed.  The future will come as it comes.  Trusting a future Farseeing is dangerous if you are not a Seer."  She sighs.  "I cannot explain Astra's words or actions except to say that she likely was filled with Fear that the Crusade programming had somehow been turned on, and since the programming is intended to kill Jedi, she may have been in fear for her life and was acting differently than she would have had it not been a concern.  Haj, we ALL slide easily into speaking and acting out of Fear.  How many times have you heard Durro ask me if I am giving into Fear rather than trusting in the Force?  It is SO very easy to fall prey to Fear.  It colors everything we think.  My mother used to say 'Don't believe everything you think.'"  She says.  "So...what happened next?  This is far more insight than Astra gave me but again, she was rushing and upset and nervous."

@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
"I apologize for the length of the story. But there are nuances and details that are important for you, as my teacher and our friend, to know."

She takes a breath and continues. "Could Astra have been afraid? Undoubtedly, as she, herself, admitted to me. She brought up, for the second time in just a few minutes, the poisoning incident, though this time it was not said with any mocking in her voice. She was genuinely scared that the programming might be activating and might be getting worse, so she stayed by my side. She went so far as to mention that fordømte poisoning a 3rd time within less than half an hour! I had told her that if she were afraid of me, she should lock me in my room or, better still, back in the bacta tank. But she admitted to not knowing how it worked and I admitted to not feeling like today was a good day to drown."

She frowns. "She claimed fear for her behaviour. She claimed curiosity for her ceaseless questioning. Was she honest in those claims? I just don't know, Tesara. I just don't know. She seemed so sincere, but I just ... I can't know. Trust had disintegrated between us. She couldn't trust that I wasn't going to kill her. And I couldn't trust that she didn't trust me not to. I walked away to cool down. And that's when all hell broke loose."

She shudders. "I heard the armory alarm go off. I saw Astra leave the armory with a blaster concealed in her robes. I saw her go into her room. I got a stun baton from the cargo bay and sat outside her room for hours waiting for her to come out. When she did ..." Haj's face gets that haunted look again, only this time it's intensified. "Tesara, I saw ... I would have sworn, I still believe ... I saw her point a blaster at me, Tesara. Sure as I see you now, I saw Astra standing in the middle of that hallway with a blaster pointed right at me." Haj bends over, puts her head on her knees, and covers her face in her hands.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
"Ahh."  Tesara says softly.  "That is why she said "I swear I didn't point it at her!"  So she must know that is what you thought you saw."  She sits back, thinking.  "And you, seeing what you thought was true, reacted instinctively.  Whether you knew her or not, the one who came before has cellular memory and reacted.  That you DIDN'T kill each other is a miracle.  Cooler heads must have prevailed, hmm?"  She asks.
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
"I don't know if it was cooler heads or deeper hearts, honestly." Haj pulls her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them.

"We said over and over that neither one wanted to kill the other. Neither of us went into the moment armed with anything but stunning weapons. But I will own, without reservation, that my pride needed to dominate the situation in that moment. I insisted that she drop the blaster. She did. I insisted that she drop the lightsaber. She did. In hindsight, she behaved very much like I would have expected you or Durro would have. She does you both credit in that regard, though it was impossible for me to see that at the time."

"In that moment, I walked away feeling superior to Astra. It felt ... right ... like I had gained something back from Astra, something that Astra took with her teasing." Haj puts her chin on her knees. "As I told Astra, I fear Dark Side will find its way into my soul through my pride. I need to find a way to let that go."

She is silent for a few moments, looking off towards one side of the room. "You know me well enough to know that I don't sit still," she looks down at her posture, "despite present appearances," she chuckles wryly. "I had to see what happened from a different angle. I went to the cargo bay to burn off tension and to get a new perspective. I had gotten some insight, but the workout wasn't enough. I was still too wired, too tired, too hungry, too anxious. She was out there, somewhere in the ship. And some part of her, despite her protestations, wanted me dead. She told me as much, though she named it Sol. I heard something move in the cargo bay, saw a shadow. I got spooked, but tried to hold it together. On the way to the mess, I tripped on one of the girl's toys. It was a booby-trap, an early warning for Astra. That shadow was back. I had to get to the bridge. She was going to let the air out of the ship like Sol told her to. She was actually going to kill me this time."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara frowns.  "Sol told her to let the air out of the ship?  That doesn't make any sense.  She would have died too.  But that means she must have told you that after it was all over."  She sighs.  "I can see why you were frustrated and afraid and likely angry.  That was quite an emotional soup happening.  And if your programming WAS kicked on, it doesn't have a face and an actual voice."  She watches Haj.  "All right, then what happened?"

@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj closes her eyes. Tesara can see the rhythmic breathing of the meditation techniques that she taught her moving through Haj's body. "That's just it," she finally says. "I wasn't angry. I was never angry, not really. Not once did I think that striking down Astra was the answer. Stopping her, sure! And to that end I armed myself. But in all that time, I never tried to hunt her down, to destroy her, as I believed she was hunting me.

Lost now to the terror of that moment, her voice gets small and far away. "The air got thin. I couldn't breathe. I ran to the medbay for oxygen. I grabbed the discarded blaster from the hall. I moved from room to room, trying desperately to stay out of sight. I thought, for a split second, of blasting through the front window to climb outside to get away from her. But I knew, I just knew, that if I did that, everything was lost. We would be stranded here & Malora would win. I couldn't risk it. No air. Had to get into the bridge to stop her so I wouldn't die. Oh, Tesara, the Dark Side whispered to me. I would be powerful enough to break the ship, stop Astra permanently. I never let my fear drive me to hate her. I couldn't. I didn't want her dead. I love her. I just wanted to survive. I didn't come this far, endure this much, to die now. I had to live! I had to!"

She finally turns to look Tesara in the eye. "But I wouldn't give up my soul to do it. What is the point of living if you do that?" Tears are flowing down Haj's cheeks.

"I used everything in me to rip the door to the bridge from its moorings. Every commpanel inside was blaring. The ship was on security lockdown. She wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere.  She was everywhere. And she had help from Sol and the All-Father only knows who else in her head. I had to run. I had to hide. So I went to the one place I believed was safe ... Durro's room. That's where he found me.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara can see the huge, lifechanging toll this has had on Haj.  She can sense through the Force her roiling emotions, her confusion, her grief.  "Haj, look at me."  She says.  When Haj is looking at her, Tesara speaks.  "You did what you thought was right each and every moment.  You were operating on high alert and likely your adrenaline was spiking.  I am sorry that all of these things led to this, but both of you learned a lesson about yourselves.  Neither of you attacked to kill.  Deep down you both knew something was very very wrong and that is the bit of gold in this giant pile of craziness.  I wish I had been here, I would have likely been able to diffuse the whole thing but....Haj....as much as this hurts and is confusing as hell...you DID learn from it.  It was the will of the Force that you learn these lessons.  I think the lesson here is exactly what my mother said.  Don't believe everything you think."  She says softly.
"The best news is that this programming is no longer within you.  Thanks to Durro and Astra, it is gone.  So whatever odd, bizarre debacle that was…consider it a fever fueled dream within this time paradox thing.  You aren’t soon to forget what happened within it, but again, these are anchors to call upon in the future.  Now you will question things more thoroughly.  You will consider all your options and choose the best one for you before charging ahead to act.  Please understand, that is not just you.  Every single one of us faces this choice and will face it again and again.  What you see may not be real.  What you hear might be something else.  What you smell, taste or touch may be an illusion or may be as real as the two of us sitting across from each other.  Discernment, like wisdom, comes through experience.  I am sure Astra learned as many things about herself as you did during this whole thing.  But I do have one more question for you.  And I don’t expect an answer right away.”  She eyes her across the table.  “Can you forgive yourself?”
Haj — 05/10/2022
Mer jævla Jedi filosofi Hvorfor må det alltid være Kraftens vilje? She watches as a wall drops behind Haj's eyes.  "I don't know what Astra learned, if anything. You would have to ask her that. And I can't imagine what the will of the Force was trying to teach me, other than that I am utterly incapable of trusting my own judgement. As for forgiveness, I have already acknowledged that my pride will be my undoing. I have forgiven myself the foolishness of, as you so eloquently put it, believing everything that I thought. My problem, however, Lærer, is whether or not I will ever be able to believe anything I think moving forward. Forgiving myself was easy. How do I learn to trust myself again?" She wipes remaining tears from her face as she speaks.

@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
"That's a good question.  I think that you need to set Astra aside a moment, because obviously she is still unnerved by this as well and needs her own time.  I cannot speak for her.  But I trust you.  Durro trusts you.  And you can call on us when you need us.  If something feels off or strange or somehow wrong, ask us.  None of us would lie to you.  But you have to remember that all of us have our own...."  She frowns, trying to come up with the right words.  "Filter?  That's not exactly right but...Durro could look at a situation and see one thing and I might see something totally different but we would both be right."  She sits forward again.  "I can't truly answer your question.  I very much wish I could.  But the good news is that there is no programming within you to muddy the waters.  I cannot help you when it comes to trusting yourself as that is something you will have to learn again over time.  But we're your family and we love you."
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj chuckles lightly, "None of you would lie to me? Yet Durro just did." She holds up a hand to stave off any retort that Tesara might give. "And before you say anything, I forgive him the subterfuge. He did what he believed was best and for the greater good, not only for me or even this ship, but for the galaxy and all who sleep under its stars. How can I doubt his motives or the greatness of his heart?"

She smiles. "He trusts me with all his heart. You have just said the same. If I have to believe in anything, I believe in that ... and it gives me hope that I will be able to trust myself again. But, then, someone wise just told me not to believe everything I think, so there's that," she says with a wink.

"As for Astra, and we can't just set her aside, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I love her, Tesara, I really do. But will not stand by and be the object of her ridicule and pomposity any longer. She kowtows to you and Durro, but treats me as though I were less than the children who are on board. And while I may be - no, I acknowledge here and now that I am, and in many ways - I don't deserve to be treated as though I were enfeebled rather than inexperienced. That conversation that I 'heard', I believed it because I can absolutely hear Astra having that conversation with you, or trying to. The only thing that made it ring false is that I trust that you would never, instead respecting me enough to tell me to my face what Astra would say behind my back. Even knowing it was false, it stung none-the-less. And that's on me and my foolish pride. I own that and if the will of the Force was to show me where I was vulnerable to temptation, then is has succeeded in extremis."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara looks impressed, and there is a warm smile that spreads across her face.  "I love that you are so eloquent and intelligent, Haj.  And that you are unafraid to look in the mirror at yourself and see truths that may be hard to admit to."  She squeezes Haj's hand again then lets go.  "I have an idea, do with it as you will.  I will be in seclusion for several days.  I think that Durro is the thread that connects us all, as he is the eldest and wisest.  It might be a good idea to have a meeting with Astra, you and Durro as witness and mediator.  That way you can understand her, and she can understand you, with Durro there to see and hear it all.  You can't go on feeling this torn about Astra.  I believe you love her but you don't trust her anymore, and trust is absolutely necessary in this fight against Malora."  She stands to give Haj a hug.  "You can ask him, I am sure he will say yes.  He's likely to agree that a healing needs to happen here.  Origin is a good place to do it, especially with me out of the picture."  She grins.

@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
A dry smile crosses Haj's face. "Oh, yes, I can see it now ... 'Prithee, Master Jedi, please to sit between your former Padawan and your current lover and manage a dispute twixt the two whilst they suss out the mad piles of bullshit which they hath piled uponst themselves'. He would be so pleased."

She laughs in earnest now at the quite pained look she can imagine on his face at the suggestion. "He would be just as likely to hand us both stun batons, tell us to figure it out on our own, get a snack and watch, then critique our forms of both word and deed, somehow using the whole affair as an object lesson in how to trust the Force, and then promptly tell us to get over ourselves. I love him to the moons and back, but do you really think that's fair to any of the parties involved?"

She arches an eyebrow playfully at Tesara. "As for his being the eldest, I wouldn't utter that within his earshot if I were you. He might take exception to that, though calling him the wisest amongst us may by you some favor."

As her mirth fades, she returns to the more serious part of Tesara's suggestion. "All kidding aside, I'm not sure that there's anyone on board who's fit to mediate between Astra and me. You are my teacher, but Astra's chosen sister. Durro is her Master, but min elskede. Both of you have skin in the game, and while we each trust you, I'm not sure that we would trust either of you to judge fairly against the other.  Either way, it's not fair to put either of you in the middle of our issues. And there's no way that either of us would trust Kenobi, even if he were inclined to come out of his self-imposed seclusion, which he is not."

She sits back and taps her finger against her teeth. "Sadly, I wonder if this is a monster of my own making. I can't help but wonder if ... no ... it can't be that easy"
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
“Handyman?”  She laughs.  “I mean….he’s only biased on the direction of the Professor’s programming.  But he MIGHT be enough of a jerk to be fair.”  She muses.  “I can’t argue with your logic about myself and Durro.  Normally I might say let’s ask Falynn, but she’s with the Professor and I’ve no idea where they are.  I don’t think the Professor would be a good mediator.  He’d just encourage a fight then sit back with popcorn.”  She looks irritated at the thought. “And any of us going to the village right now is likely to be a bad idea. Jer’rin is busy being a God and sliding down slippery slopes.”  Her expression is bitter.  “Handyman might be your only fair option.”
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj's jaw drops. "I'm sorry, what now?"
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara laughs a little.  “What was your thought?”
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj sits up straight. "Oh no you don't. Don't think we aren't coming back to that. I know you wanted to get my side of what has turned out to be a very, very long story. But it seems you have one of equal length and I would be remiss in upholding my share of the weight if I didn't take some of it from you."

She peers in her teacup, which is both stone cold and empty. Frowning, she rises to put on some more water. "My thought, well, honestly ... this whole debacle might actually be my fault, though not in the way you might imagine. You see, I was the one who put the unequal power dynamic in place originally. And now, to resent Astra for it is as thoughtless, clueless, and foolish as anything I have ever done."

She ducks into the pantry, returning with a tin of tea. "Calling her by her name, and not by her title, may be a way to start bridging that gap, setting us on more equal footing by elevating me and lowering her, at least in my eyes. That would be a start. But, honestly, since she's been made knight, she's adopted an air of superiority that, and this may just be my own insecurity, that grates on me." Haj drops her head. "Then again, it could be my own jealousy. And I need to look at that before any conversation between us can happen."

She turns to Tesara as she waits for the water to heat. "I don't understand it, Tesara. You are younger that me, have more experience, are more skilled, and yet I harbor none of the feelings for you that I do for Astra. She is to me as though the Force has taken my reflection and twisted it to taunt me ... or to be an object lesson for me to see my own failings reflected back so that I can correct them."

She pours the tea, poking her head out quickly with the juice bottle, waggling it to see if Tesara wants more
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara nods at the offer of more juice.  "I do agree that you should stop calling her Princess and start calling her Astra.  She doesn't have any intentions on ever being a royal ruler of Baklid.  It would be the same kind of feeling as if she called you by whatever former name you had, if she knew it.  I don't think you knew that, of course.  It was just your way of being respectful to her status.  But the truth is, she may be a princess but she is a Jedi.  And as for an air of superiority, I can't really say because I never witnessed it, but I believe you.  I also believe you took it in a way she may not have intended for you to take it.  The same as the joking around.  Filters, remember?"  She smiles.  "As for the mirror, I understand it, but this is what I mean about the Force guiding us.  You can now see her in a new light, and watch how your reflection reacts.  Then YOU choose how to move forward.  You don't feel the same way about me but I can't quite say why.  Other than perhaps I never tease anyone and I am a good listener.  I've also stepped away from the Jedi path."  She takes the offered cup and drinks.
"And as for what happened in the village, it is still very raw.  I can't get into details but suffice it to say that I was manipulated into things by Jer'rin.  I made choices - some I regret and some I do not.  I spoke to the elders.  They apparently didn't listen to my words, even though I was proud of my speech."  She looks down at the glass, looking a little sad.  "Jer'rin and Nazeel have had a plan in place for quite a while to take over control of the village.  To stop the worship of the Spirits and the needless human sacrifice.  They took it swiftly and violently, yet spared the innocent.  He declared there would be no more needless death and cast some kind of Force skill that made grass grow in a massive circle spreading from where he was.  The grass was real.  Falynn returned to see what they had done and was upset, but he spoke something to her and she....she....capitulated.  Professor Kenobi was with her.  He led her away.  I returned here, where I belong."
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj walks back into the dining room with her hot cup and joins Tesara at the table. "Seeing her in a new light doesn't mean that either of us is willing or able to trust one another without some deep and moving conversations." She sips her tea. "That said, you are likely correct that my own, what did you call them, filters?, are creating a bigger wedge between us than might otherwise exist, much as it pains me to say that."

She frowns. "With all due respect and no small amount of gratitude, Tesara, I'm beginning to see where my faults here, and I will own them. But I refuse to take on all the responsibility for this. And I don't believe that Astra has the same gift for self-reflection that I do that will allow her to do anything other than either eat it all in an attempt to avoid confrontation and just 'make it all better' or utterly abdicate responsibility for her part in any of it.  Either way, there is no wisdom to be gained or lessons to be learned, at least for her. And that means that her behaviour will continue."

Taking another sip, she prompts, "Please correct me if I'm missing something or am flat out wrong"
Haj — 05/10/2022
Haj listens with compassion as Tesara speaks. The story is almost unbelievable, but Tesara isn't prone to exaggeration. "I'm so sorry, Tesara. I can't imagine how you must be feeling." She goes around the table to sit near her friend and mentor. "Is there anything I can do?
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/10/2022
Tesara cringes inwardly, but it's not in reaction to Haj's tone or body language, only the meaning of what she is saying.  "I agree that you should not take on ANY of the responsibility for Astra's words or actions.  You are right, she must do that on her own.  As for self reflection, it's true that you seem to have a gift for looking at your own reflection unflinchingly and doing what is needed to fix things.  But you have to remember that Astra is also dealing with having looked in a reflecting pool that shattered her in ways we cannot truly understand.  She is dealing with five people in her head-sometimes more-and doing what she can to not give in to madness.  Yes, she avoids confrontation.  I do as well, honestly.  She has been shattered several times and since being knighted has taken an unfortunate habit of pushing down all the pain she has endured rather than facing it and dealing with it.  What happened with Quinn broke her in many ways, I suspect she has been keeping the truth of the whole tale from us in an attempt to control herself.  To be the Jedi she is expected to be. She took yet another blow when the Professor forced his will upon her and the resulting damage further broke her.  She did even something I haven't done.  She stood up to him, which was a powerful step for her, but there were consequences.  She is finding her voice, even if her voice shakes when she uses it.  But just like you, I believe in her."  She says quietly. "You DO need to sit down and talk this out though.  HOW you choose to do that is up to you, but she must see your side and you hers.  Even if it hurts or feels unfair.  I have no idea if you will choose to approach her first for this or if she will approach you.  To be honest, I hope she approaches you.  It will further help her use her voice.  Just remember that what she says may be confusing or hurtful or feel unfair.  But she will likely feel the same with what you have to say.  However it happens, it needs to be done.
Tesara smiles sadly in reaction to Haj's offer.  "No, but thank you.  I am finding my own voice just like Astra.  Speaking to the elders was a huge step for me.  That they ignored me stings but there is literally nothing I can do about it now as they are all dead."  She sighs.
@Haj
Haj — 05/10/2022
"The shattered and the superseded walk onto a spacecraft … sounds like the beginning of a really horrible joke, Tesara. One in which I have no intention of being the punchline any longer." She frowns. "It will be what it will be, Lærer. I have no idea how it will manifest, but you're absolutely correct when you say that it must. In the mean time, I need to ..." she looks down at herself, "... grow a thicker skin," she says with a quirked smile, hoping the ironic humor isn't lost on Tesara.

She reaches over and puts her arm around Tesara. "For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. Everything about you inspires those around you, even if some would twist that inspiration to their own ends rather than the ones you would see. That's a gift, and one we'll need eventually if we are to rally the necessary forces against Malora. You give hope where there was none. That matters, especially if its the only thing people have left." She hugs @Tesara Anerin gently but firmly, and give her a kiss on the cheek. "Never doubt that you also have the gift of insight. We'll need that too."
Tesara Anerin — 05/11/2022
Tesara hugs Haj back, lingering perhaps longer than she would normally.  She is more disturbed by the memories of the slaughter she had just witnessed than she lets on.  "Thank you."  She whispers, then pulls away.  "I'm proud of you too."  She smiles a little.  "I hope that when I emerge from my imbuing cocoon that things are better between you and Astra, but if not, we'll see about mediating."  She steps back.  "And as for you and Durro, I want you to know that I am so so so very happy for the both of you.  Love is something to be cherished during a time where our futures are so uncertain."  She looks a little sad and Haj can tell she is wondering if she will ever see Jack again.  "Tell those girls to behave while I am in seclusion or I will call upon the tickle monster that has no mercy."  She grins a little now.  "I'll see you in a few days."

@Haj
Haj — 05/11/2022
Haj pinks, grins and cocks an eyebrow. "The tickle monster that has no mercy? All-Father, preserve us," she says rolling her eyes.

Rearranging her face to something more neutral, she looks soberly at Tesara. "We will be here when you emerge, Lærer, though in what condition remains to be seen. I won't hold you to mediation for reasons that we've already discussed. Rest assured that the matter will be settled eventually, once way or another. Your concern is appreciated, but something you need to lay down out here. Don't take it into your meditations." What she leaves unsaid is 'don't take any of it in'.

She pulls her knee back up to her chest and wraps her arms around it, casually. "Though, I am curious about something, if you are willing and able to share. Doing this ... does it mean you will be carrying a lightsaber once more?"

@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 05/11/2022
Tesara smiles a little.  “Suffice it to say that I realized very quickly that a real sword, even a short one, is far far heavier than a lightsaber.  I always thought lightsaber meant the glow it casts when it’s actually a double meaning.  Light for holding as well.  I spoke to Durro about it. I would like to have a lightsaber again.  But we’ll see.”  She looks at her hands.  “I love my bow but it’s for ranged combat whereas the lightsaber is for close.  To have both would be a great asset in a fight.”  She smiles at Haj.  “And no, I will be sure to clear my mind of everything we discussed here today before beginning.  Durro taught me well in that aspect.”  She stretches and heads for the door.  “See you in a few days, Haj.”
@Haj
Haj — 05/11/2022
Haj holds up a hand in salute as Tesara leaves the room. As she watches her friend leave, she pulls her other knee up to her chest, perching on the seat, deep in though. Tesara has given her a lot to chew on. She may forego the camping trip that was discussed and take the time to do her own introspection while the Gungnir is quiet. Then again, getting out of this damnable can has its own appeal. Either way, the next few days were going to be interesting.

/end
Tesara Anerin — 05/11/2022
((No we can end here, she will go to her room and start the process-will likely do a journal entry for that)))