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Let there be peace between us 5/18/22
Haj — 05/18/2022
It's been several weeks since they left Origin, and longer than that since Haj and Astra's falling out. And while Haj has done what she considers a rather deft job of avoiding being alone with Astra, their polite exchanges over meals and in the classroom aren't fooling anyone any more and the tension between them is getting to everyone, to one degree or another.
Haj stands on the Ob Deck, staring out at the rapidly passing galaxy, sipping at tumbler of something that she can only assume is a very expensive bottle of liquor ... and she should know since she bought it when they were last in port. "No point in putting it off any longer, I suppose," she comments aloud. She downs the last of the amber liquid, sets the glass down, and heads to find the Princess.
A few minutes later, she knocks on the door to @Princess Astra Korraay's quarters
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra is sitting on the floor meditating when she hears the knock. " It's unlocked you can come in" She called. She waghts for whoever it is to enter.
Her lightsaber lots in peace in front of her as she is resembling it. Once the weapon is put back together she lets it drop to her hand. She sets it in her lap and looks up to see who entered. " Good afternoon? Haj" she says there is a questioning tone to her voice as if she is not entirely sure what time it is.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj watches cooly as the pieces float effortlessly at Astra's command.
"Hello, Astra," she says, intentionally dropping the royal sobriquet. "I hope I'm not intruding. I can return if you are busy."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
" No you fine can I help you with sumthing," She asks as she stands. Sue puts her lightsaber on her belt where it belongs. She never points it at haj and wants to get the weapon out of her hands to hopefully not set Haj off again.
" I will admit im a bit surprised you came to see me. you have been avoiding me so I figured you did not want anything to do with me. After all the trouble I coused you I was not surprised." She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj adopts the once familiar pose with her hands in the form of a triangle before her abdomen, a sign Astra has seen her use before as one denoting peace and respect. "It seems to me that we have been avoiding each other, though, in truth, I will bless the time. I needed it to sort some things out. May we speak candidly?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra blinks a bit confused befor Bowing. Showing Haj her own form of Respect. The one the Jedi had drilled into her. " I have been trying to respect your wishes. But it does seam we have a lot to work out. Would you like to take a seat" She offers.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj takes the chair next to the bed. "Thank you."
Once she makes herself as comfortable as she can, she turns to Astra. "First thing I need to do reiterate my apology to you, and explain myself. I know I said it in the MedBay right before we were both unceremoniously rendered unconscious, but there was no context for it. I'm here to see if we can't get to the core of what's ... happened ... " she trails off and looks away.
Taking a deep breath, she turns back to Astra, looking the younger woman in the eyes. "First and foremost, I need to tell you that I don't know what happened, not for sure anyway. I'm sure that were we to ask Durro, he would say that it was the Crusade's programming chip. And, barring any evidence to the contrary, I have no choice but to believe him. I just know that somewhere, some how, I got it into my mind that you were trying to kill me. It went from embarrassment to distrust to fear, to a panicked need for survival in a matter of a few hours."
She stops talking to slow her breathing and her heart rate. Astra recognizes Tesara's hand in the technique that Haj is employing. "As you know, it started with the revelation of the programming possibly being active and the mistake with the poison." She stops talking here, the embarrassment of not only the error but of Astra's teasing on this subject clearly etched in her features.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra looked hurt for a moment. The expression crossed her face and disappeared so quickly that it may not have been noticed. " Haj I would never try to hurt you," she said befor she could stop herself. She mentally chided herself for speaking without thinking first.
" The events were not your falt you have nothing to apologize for. I had my run-in with the programming once befor and it lead to the death of a grandmaster" She said gently. She thought for a moment.
" The falt is mine. I made so many mistakes that lead to you panicking. I'm sorry" She said quietly. She dropped her gaze to the floor. She mentally remained herself she needed to stay in control of her emotions and do as much as she could not to make any more mistakes. She refused to be the course of yet more caous on the ship.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj reaches out a finger to gently tilt the Astra's head upwards so that she can look once more in her eyes. "Please don't. This is not all your fault, as Tesara was quick to point out. I have my own burden of responsibility to share in this, which is why I came here. I wanted to talk about it all with you, so that we can make sure that it doesn't happen again.'
She waits until Astra resettles herself on the bed before continuing. "The reason I know that it's not all your fault is because you were right, at least in part." Haj takes a deep breath, then resumes.
"In the galley the next day, I purposefully mislead you. I DID hear something else. I heard you & Tesara talking about how weak I was, about how Tesara should stop training me for everybody's wellbeing. I was about to dismiss it as my own doubts until I saw the Ben & Falynn a few minutes later & knew that what I was experiencing had to be ... real .. somehow?" A perplexed look passes over Haj's face.
"When I asked you about seeing the figures, you said it could have been a FarSeeing Vision. If you knew what it was, that it was a real thing, then the other part had to be real too! And so I believed it. I believed that you were plotting with Tesara to keep me small, less than you, which, as Tesara can tell you, has been at the core of many of my missteps since I've been aboard. My pride, my damnable wounded pride let me believe that you, my friends, not only could, but did, or would, say those things about me. And if you said them out loud, you must think they are true ... that I am weak, unable to control myself, and incapable of handling more advanced techniques"
She looks pleadingly at Astra. "Can you understand why I didn't want to tell you what I heard? Can you understand that I didn't want to hear you agree with those things. Or worse, hear you placate me, patronize me, & then go running to Tesara & Durro with them. The perfect storm for a self-fulfilling prophesy, no?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra looked at haj fighting so hard to keep her exspretion neutral. She did not want to show her own emotions not at this moment anyway. That however did not last long.
Astra stared at Haj in utter confusion. She took a deep breath. " I know there was something else you were too unsettled. I wish you would have trusted me enough to tell me." She said shaking her head.
" If it had been a vision may not have been what you interpreted it at. I fact its completely wrong. I was telling tesara that you did really good at the skills I showed you. Your not week haj. A little umm...unpredictable and reactive. But so am I in that regard." Astra said.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj briefly raises an eyebrow at Astra before closing her eyes and taking a breath. She refused to let her pride get in the way, especially since the princess not only wasn't wrong, but admitted that it was a shared failing.
"As I said, I believed what I heard was true, even if it hadn't happened yet. How could I trust you, in light of, or, rather, in the wake of, everything else that preceded it? Your comments earlier, no matter how innocent they may have seemed to you, were hurtful to me, to my pride, and my ability to trust you. You laughed at me, Astra. And you did it more than once. Then you rebuked me for a fool and tried to put me to bed as though I were a child. How could I not believe what I had heard?"
She rolls her shoulders to regain her composure. "And yes, I know you apologized for laughing. But an apology means you acknowledge that you were wrong. You didn't. You kept laughing, teasing, cruelly so. How was I to trust you if you kept hurting me and thinking it was ok to do so just because you said you were 'just kidding'?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra blinked " I am sorry I was trying I don't do well with fence situations. I never meant to hurt you. No, I did not think it was ok to continue joking after you asked me not to. Yes, I slipped once, and im sorry for that. But I have not once teased you sense then. " She said quietly. Her flash of frustration is showing. Haj wanted until she was nearly at her boiling point to tell astra and now she was getting crap for it. It quickly dissipated as she forehead her emotional reaction to submit to her control. She should never have tried Joking with Haj in the first place. " I'm sorry please forgive my lapse of control. I do understand why you would choose not to trust me and I don't blame you" She quickly corrected herself. If there was going to be peace speaking her mind now would do no good.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj noticed the frustration on Astra's face. She can tell that Astra is holding something back, that her words are couched to keep the peace, but they are not Astra's truth, not completely. She tries one more time to gently peel away the mistrust and misunderstanding that seems to only be building between them.
"I came here to speak honestly with you, Astra," she says softly. "To engage you with compassion, openness, and vulnerability, to own my part of what happened, hoping that you would be willing and able to do the same. I hear your words, but your body language says something different. Please help me understand the mixed messages that I am receiving right now."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra shakes her head. " I umm..." She said. She had not expected Haj to catch her. Right, Haj was crazy observant. Of course, she caught it. " I know after making that last joke that it was stupid iv been kicking myself for three weeks over this. But you let things go until you hit your boiling point rather than telling me as soon as it was a problem. I'm not perfect I can't fix a problem overnight and I can't fix problems I know nothing about. I do find it funny that now you want to engage with compassion and openness." Astra said. She goes select trying to choose her words carefully.
" You are the last person I expected to hear this letter from. I set my lightsaber down. I went against everything I have been thought my entire life to speak to you and what did you do. You turned your back." Astra snapped. Her eyes started to water. " I wish I could take back and redo everything that led to this but I can't " she shut her eyes right forcing the tears back. She took several deep breaths. Quickly regarding control. Then looked at haj the neutral expression once more on her face.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj watches, and listens, with equanimity. She asked for honesty. She most certainly got it, at least to start with. Then she watched as Astra shut herself away behind ... what? Ego? Fear? Something else? Haj tucks this question away to think about later.
What is clear to her, however, is that Astra has more to say, despite her contained composure. This is not the time to coax it out of her, however. Moreover, it's not in her to pry when she has been so clearly shut out. Better to get to guts of the matter if they can't get to the heart.
Keeping her voice low and even, she breathes in slowly, allowing herself to be filled with the calming energy of the Force. "You're right, Astra. We've each made mistakes and we can't change what got us here. Here is where we are. What we can change is where we go from here. And, honestly, I don't know that I have an answer to that, other than to set it all aside and just go."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
" I don't think this will be that simple, you are right we need to talk this out," she said. She took a few moments to think. She needed to chose her words carefully.
" If I am correct in my understanding you no longer trust me. That seems as good a place to start as any" she suggested
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj cocks her head. slightly. She had not expected this, considering Astra's obvious retreat behind her walls. "Just as I believe that you don't trust me."
She holds up her hands again in the triangle position. "And before you say anything, I acknowledge that you laying down your lightsaber in the hallway was an act of trust. But I would be foolish indeed if I did not acknowledge that you could have snapped that weapon back to your hand before I had drawn my next breath. Just as laying down your lightsaber was an act of trust in me, so I was trusting that you would not."
She blinks slowly. "It seems, then, Astra, that there is some trust there, underneath whatever hurts we have done to one another.. And I would share another moment of trust ... no," she stops to correct herself, "not trust, a moment of love ... for you, one you don't know about, if you will permit me."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra blinked " I do trust you Haj I never did not trust you" she said quietly.
She looked even more confused and lost. " Im a little lost but ok" she said.
@Haj
Haj — 05/18/2022
Haj nods her acceptance of Astra's words. Astra watches as Haj steels herself for what she is about to say.
"I have no doubt you heard me tearing about the Gungnir before Durro's return. Neither do I doubt that he told you the reason for it, at least as it was relayed to him by me. What he didn't tell you, what even I didn't realize at the time, is that while I believed that you were hunting me with the intention to kill me, at no time did I turn the tables. It never entered my mind, deranged as it was, to take up arms to hunt you, to harm you in any way. My own survival was never to come at the cost of your life. Some part of me loved you still, even as I was caught in my fear - a fear so deep that I felt the whisper of the Dark Side calling to me. I refused to listen, refused to give in, for love of you, even in my darkest hour."
A tear escapes Haj's eye. "I think that's part of why my pride took your words so hard. I woke from death a child among gods. And to know that one of those gods laughed at me, saw that no matter how hard I tried I would never be anything more to her than that child."
She wipes her eye. "Part of that is my fault. I set you above me by acknowledging your royalty. I own that, and any consequences of that unequal dynamic. You may have noticed that I am using your name, not your title, when we speak. That's on purpose. I'm trying to level the playing field in my own mind in hopes that it will open a path we can walk together."
Haj sets her spine before she continues. "When I spoke to Tesara about what happened, she pointed out to me where I faltered, and where I rallied. She wanted me to meditate before I spoke to you. So I went to the pools of Clouds & Breezes. I used the tool you gave me to find the places where I was blocked to trust & forgiveness. And I found what I needed there to heal."
Haj bows her head. "For that I am grateful. And if those pools would help us find our way, I would revisit them with you."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/18/2022
Astra lissioned as if all her walls suddenly shattered tears streaked her face. She quickly tried to wipe them away to contain her emotions.
How after all the trouble and pain she had caused haj. Her own Master did not even trust her. How could Haj still? Then to learn that Haj loved her after all this mess. Why why did this hit her so hard. She could not explain.
"I need to thank you for having called me princess. Your insistence on it forced me to face the truth. " She said with a slight smile.
At the mention of clouds and breezes, she burst into yet another fit of crying. She tried she did try to stop the tears but was unable to. A part of her know these tears were not just over the incident with haj but at this moment could not bring herself to explain even if she tried.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj was still. She had anticipated this & would do nothing to stem the tide, not even move to comfort the young Jedi. She knew she needed to let the emotions flow unimpeded. She also knew that their conversation was not over, even if Astra didn't.
After what seemed to be an interminable interlude, Haj spoke again; her voice soft but firm. "Please know that every word I said was true. I do love you, Astra ... but that doesn't mean that I trust you. You said that we were unpredictable & reactive. While the reflection stung, it was not incorrect ... for me. You, however, are quite predictable."
She shifts in her chair, leaning forward slightly. She continues in that same soft voice. She knows what she will say next would change everything. She has to tread oh so carefully. "You said to me once that you can't sit here & hide like a scared Padawan. But that's exactly what you do. You hide. You hide behind teasing. You hide behind silence. You hide behind walls that shield your vision from what's right in front of you."
Haj rises, moving to sit beside Astra on the bed. "I will own that I do something similar, though I'm trying to learn a different way. And there are some things that *should remain hidden, even from those we love most. But the same walls we use to protect us often blind us. They keep us inside ourselves, incapable of being present with our surroundings & those in it."
"You said I let things go until I hit my boiling point rather than telling you as soon as it was a problem. But I did tell you. I didn't use words, but I told you none-the-less. You were either unwilling, or unable, to see ... or to change your actions. Either way, it taught me that I can't trust you, no matter how much I love you. And I want to trust you, Astra. I really do. It's why I'm here now. I want to trust you to help us find a way. But I can't trust you, not completely, until you trust yourself. Can you?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra shook her head. " are you insane?" She asked she was not joking she was dead serious. She started at Haj for a moment unable to explain this one.
" My mind is shattered into a million different places. Master Thel-Tanis doesn't trust me. I am not worthy of that trust and probably never will be. You are smart not to trust me. If you think I have ever once trusted myself you are wrong." She said dropping her head. Her voice shook as she spoke but she had some control back.
" im sorry you took everything so hard I did not know that would happen. Honestly , I decided to stay focused on my own training, and duties. I absolutely refuse to course you or anyone else harm" she said. She was not sure what else there was to say.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj places her head in her hands, shoulders slumping as the emotional toll of the conversation finally comes due. Her voice barely audible through her fingers, she says, "Then Malora will win."
Haj lifts her face to the ceiling, closes her eyes, pulls her knee to her chest, interlaces her fingers around her knee, and takes long, slow, deep breath. She has a choice to make, one last chance to save herself, and possibly save them all.
Turning her head towards Astra, she opens her eyes and says , "I'm having to relearn how to trust myself after what happened. Maybe we can help each other?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra stairs at her. " Malora is not going to win. What makes you say that" She asked.
" Why don't you trust yourself," Astra asked. That was news to her.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Now it was Haj's turn to look incredulous. "Astra, I was so paranoid I ripped the door to the bridge off of it's security locks! I was jumping at every sound, every shadow. I had taken leave of any trust I ever had in any of my abilities, to say nothing of my senses! That's not something one comes back from easily or quickly without hard work ..." she reaches out her hand to clasp Astra's, "and the support of good friends."
She sobers now. "And if we don't, if we decide to stay behind those walls I mentioned, to not trust ourselves or each other, then Malora has already won. We will never be able to defeat her if we can't stand together. We still have a chance. But it has to start," Haj takes her hand and points at her own chest, "here," she moves her hand to her head, "and here." Finally, she passes her hand between them "before it can happen here. I have to do that work because I can't let Malora take from me what I have just found. I wont let her. Will you?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" You know under the same circumstances I probably would have done the same thing. Maby not rip the doors off the bridge but still" She said.
" I don't know that I can trust myself but I can and do trust you Haj. I never stopped trusting you." She said quietly.
" As for the wall you came, I am hiding behind. It's not a wall. I'm trying to live up to what a Jedi is. Be the person my father saw. To be worthy of his Kiber crystal." She is silent for a moment.
" Honestly part of me wonders if Durro Knighted me too soon. I am not sure im truly worthy of that title. Especially after some of our most resent events" She said starting quietly at the ground again.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj watches Astra. The sober admissions of some of her deepest, most vulnerable places was the bravest act that Haj had ever seen from her. She can't help but smile warmly, almost proudly, at Astra.
"What a Jedi is? Lillesøster, if there is one thing I have learned in the very short time that I have spent with you lot, it's that there is no "one way" a Jedi is supposed to be. Durro is as different from Master Drease as the earth from the water, and you are more different still. The greatest difference you and them is that they fully embrace themselves - their fortes, their failings, and their feelings - without letting those things rule their actions ... for the most part," she finishes, a twinkle touching the corner of her mouth
Tucking an errant curl behind one ear, she continues. "The only way I can see that you would actually be unworthy of carrying your father's crystal is if you allowed yourself to be so afraid to be unworthy of it that you never truly followed their example."
She blinks as what she has just heard come out of her mouth enters back into her ears. "Great Mother Goddess, I am starting to talk like him. Quick, Astra, blast me now before I start wearing his robes!" Haj laughs, a light glow emanating from her violet eyes.
"Speaking of Durro, have you talked to him about your concerns?" She cocks an eyebrow. "Have you talked to him about anything?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
She lisioned to haj knowing there was truth in her words. Until Haj said sumthing about sounding like Durro. Which was hilarious.
Astra could not stop her fit of giggles. A good laugh was definitely what she needed in that moment. " You could try on a pair of my robes see if you like it" she said with a grin.
" No and im not sure I want to when I spoke to him eirlyer he brushed me of in faver of showing off." She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
"Thank you, but no. We may share a color palate, Astra, but I believe that's where the similarity ends. If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink," she says with a mischievous wink.
Astra's last, quiet comment slips into Haj's mind under the peals of laughter the two women have just shared. "Wait, what did you just say? He brushed you off in favor of showing off?" She looks quizzically at Astra out of the corner of her eye. "That .... doesn't sound like him. Has he done this before?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" so you like blue and purple to" she smiled
" Brushed me off yes quiet often when I had first become his padawan. It's kinda an unusual thing now but he had to have some reason for it " She said.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj cocks an eyebrow at this news, but files it away for later, after she's had a talk with Tesara to confirm this behaviour is, or is not, limited to just Astra.
"Did you ask him his reason? If you haven't, you can and you should. He's your Master, or he was ... I'm not sure how that works. In either case, he's not a god. And even if he was, you should stillask him. Part of trusting yourself is knowing, deep down in your core, that you have the embodied right to speak up for yourself even if your voice shakes. Whether it was too soon or not, you carry the rank of Jedi Knight. It's yours, and he can't take that from you. So why are you afraid to talk to him? Or, I guess the better question is, why just assume he has a reason, any reason, that is more important than yours? You are giving away your power."
She stops, tilting her head slightly. "Or do you not trust yourself with it, so you are asking someone else to hold it so you don't have to be responsible for it?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra stared at Haj she genuinely did not understand. " I may be a knight but he is still my master." She said trying to decide the best why to explain.
" I ummm... It's not about power it's just I don't know" She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj curls into a cross-legged position. "Isn't it? I say power, but its the same thing as trust on some level, isn't it? You trust Durro to have all the power. And you don't trust yourself to have any. You don't ask questions. You don't push back. For all the stubbornness you've shown me over these last few months, you sure don't seem to be showing any to him."
A sad, prideful look crosses Haj's face. "Which kind of proves my earlier point about no matter how hard I try, I would never be anything more to you than that child who woke from the dead. You are so stubborn with me that I've literally had to close the door in your face before you would leave. But you can't, or won't, do the same with either Tesara or Durro. You let them walk all over you. So you, in turn, have to try and put me down so you can do the same to me." Haj pauses. "At least that's the way it feels."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I don't always agree with Tesara. She and I have had plenty of disagreements. As for Durro that's a different story. I never intended for you to feal that way or to do that to you" She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
"Fair enough," Haj says simply, though whether she's referring to Astra's disagreements with Tesara or acknowledging Astra's comment about her intentions, Astra can't quite tell. "I won't assume to insert myself into your relationships with them any further. I came here for us to discuss us, not them, in any case."
Haj sits back against the wall and closes her eyes. "You know something, Astra. Every time we talk, I find that we are more and more alike, even down to the colors of the clothes we wear. It doesn't surprise me that we occasionally come to loggerheads. When one finds characteristics in another that resonate too closely with themselves, especially if it's things they like least about themselves, they tend to react poorly."
She opens her eyes, turning her head. "Doesn't mean I don't love you, just means you remind me of the worst parts of myself sometimes."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra smiled " You are like looking in a mirror. If I did not know better I would say we are twins" She said. She thought for a moment.
" You know your just as stubborn as I am, remember that first night when you tried to scare me away" She asked.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj gives Astra the side eye. "That's not quite the way I remember it. But then, those first few days are a blur. I may have incredible recall, but mostly what I remember is that nurse." Haj shudders. "Meeting all of you for the first time," she continues with a slight flush, "and then an explosion. To what are you referring?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I meant after prilec. I avoided you for the most part when you first joined" She said shaking her head. " I probably should have been clearer" she added
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj shakes her head at the memory. "You astonish me, Astra. I had let that slip from my mind, especially in the wake of everything that has happened ... all the changes ... " she ends softly. A tear forms in the corner of her eye. "You always trusted me, even when you were scared of me. Even when I gave you reason to be. I'll say to you again what I said to you then - I'll give you this ... you have spine ... Jedi," she ends with a smile.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra hugs Haj " I know even then that you were just as hurt and lost as I was" She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj hugs her back "I remember thinking how strong you were, that you had overcome all that you had and you still had a spark."
She pulls back a little to look the smaller girl in the face. "What happened to that spark, Astra? What happened to the girl who overcame her fears and met them head on ... who had all the hallmarks of a Jedi without the actual title of one?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
"I ummm...." She said then had to stop and think. " Quinn," she said quietly. She had been fine up until the that incident had shaken her in ways she still did not understand.
" It's my falt he is the way he is. Haj I can do something most other seers can't. I don't not know. It just happened" She said quietly.
" it seems to me all of the experiences out here have helped you grow though im glad for that" She said
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
"Quinn ... do you mean this last encounter with him? Or something else?" Concern crosses Haj's face as she disentangles herself from Astra and sits the young Jedi down on the bed.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" The last encounter with him...and sumthing else. I'm not just able to see the future Haj I can change what I see." Astra said quietly. She moved back a look of almost fear in her eyes.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj reaches out to cup Astra's cheek. "You've never spoken of what happened. Put the other aside for now, though, I will not lie, I will want to come back to that amazing gift you have. Are you willing to tell me about what happened on Quinn's ship?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I told Durro. He wanted to kill you all. It was not him. He was so fixated on me. He tried to force me to make children of you know what I mean" She said quietly. She looked uncomfortable with the detales.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Emotions fly across Haj's whole being in rapid succession before settling on condolence. "I'm so sorry, Astra," she says softly, though Astra can hear the fevered burn of rage underneath. The air around her starts to shimmer with heat haze.
"I won't ask for more, though I get the feeling there was more than that moment that came away with you. My door is open to you, should you ever be moved to discuss it."
She can't help but rise to start pacing the small space. She pauses mid-stride, takes a deep, calming breath, and turns to once more face Astra.
"Can you tell me more about this gift of yours to change the future? It could be invaluable against the Swarm."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I don't know how to use use it? Honestly im afraid of that power and have been word not to use it" She said.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj returns to Astra's side. "Warned not to use it?! Forgive me, Astra, but that seems foolish advice. If you could learn to control this ... this ... miraculous ability ... don't you see? You could stop it all. You could save everyone, everything, with a thought."
Amazement lights Haj's eyes. "Could you change the past as well? And yes, before you say it, I know ... changing the past automatically changes the future. And we could lose everything. We ...." she trails off. "No," she says soflty, "No. Please forget I said anything about the past. I can't lose ...." She shakes her head at the thought, bringing herself back to the moment.
"Who warned you not to use this ability? And why? What was their reason?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I would have to go to the pool I don't have a name for it just the pool to truly use it. It was Master Falen who warned me not to it could damage so many people's lives look at what it did to Quinn and it will turn my daughter to the sith. I can barely chanle my sight ability as it is I don't think I can repeat it again on purpose it was by complete accident that I found the pool the first time." She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj looks dumbfounded. "Master Drease? What? Wait, what did it do to Quinn? Forgive me, I'm ... a little shocked by what you are saying. You've seen your daughter as a Sith? And you saw that it was the result of your tampering with time? You saw ... one possible outcome from among thousands, tens, hundreds of thousands, all of which are at your beckon call and you've decided that the risk was too great when you weigh it against all others?"
Haj rises once more, her steps fueled by potential and possibility this time rather than rage. "If you could learn to control it, you could ..."
She stops once more, horrorstruck by her words she hears coming from her mouth. Turning quickly, she falls to her knees beside Astra. "I'm so sorry," she says quickly. "I'm so sorry. I must sound like all those people who want to use you for their own nefarious purposes. You are more than a tool and certainly deserve better than I have done just now, especially given the challenges we are just now trying to find our way back from. But hearing that, my hope ran away with my better angels. Please forgive me."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra startles. " What Haj get up. Why are you so crazy all the time?" Astra said panicking for a moment? She took a deep breath.
" Haj when I went to this pool the first time I accidentally changed Rozas future its what lead to Quinn becoming a sith. Maby I could lean to control it but those arts are lost to the jedi. Lord Sereno my father and master Drease destroyed all the text that have information on it." She said.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj rises, bristling at the "crazy" epithet. She rolls her shoulders, closes her eyes, and takes a calming breath. This is a test of her resolve, not allowing herself to feel so insecure, so vulnerable that one word spirals her out. When she has settled, she opens her eyes.
"Passionate," she says, "not crazy. But I knew what you meant. You said that this is a lost art. There is no one, then, aside from Master Drease, who might be able to teach you how to control your abilities, even if you never return to the pool?" She holds her hands in the sign of the triangle at her belly. "I ask simply because you may not be afraid of you ability if you knew, without question or fear, that you could control it. Do you agree?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I'm sorry I panicked please forgive me" She said quietly.
" Yes and no Master Drease threatened to kill me if I tried to use the ability. She is not likely to teach me. She may not be the only one Lord Sereno may also know but im not sure how to reach him. I should be able to with my kiber crystal" she said.
Haj — 05/19/2022
"Forgiven and forgotten. It was a reminder for us both that we can do better for each other, nothing more. And an example for you of what it is to speak truth to power. Feel free to call this moment to mind the next time you want answers from Durro," she says with a wry turn to her lips. She would definitely be speaking to him later.
"So Master Drease threatened to kill you if you tried to use your abilities as a Seer? Fascinating ... I wonder what she's trying to keep you from finding out. Or, perhaps I wasn't clear. You say you are afraid of your abilities as a Seer. Let's hold, for the moment, that you can change anything and focus simply on the fact that you have the ability to see more clearly than most, if not all. What about that scares you, exactly, so badly that you would allow it to control you?"
Her brows crease. "No, don't answer me right now. Better still, don't answer me at all. Think on it. Meditate on it. If Durro is right, and all is as the Force wills it, then why would you be given this ability and then make you too afraid to use it? Seems a cruel irony, nu? Something seems out of balance. And that's not for me to know, but for you."
Haj sits down on the bed next to Astra. "I came in here for different answers, ones that we both needed." She reaches out her hands, palms up. "Did we find them?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I don't know did we find them, can we move forward as sisters?" Astra asked.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
When Astra didn't say yes right away, Haj pulls her hands back and eyes Astra carefully for a moment. "I need a promise from you, Astra, before I can answer," she says softly.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" What's that?" Astra asked.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
"I ask that you treat me with respect. I am a member of this crew, this family, with as much to contribute as any of you. No more teasing. No more name calling. No more talking down to me like I am less than you. And when I say "no", I mean it. No more pushing yourself into places where you are not invited. In return, I will speak up more so there is no confusion. And I will not wait til I am at my boiling point before I do. And I won't let my pride choose when that time is. If something is bothering me, I will tell you right away. Agreed?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra nodded " Agreed," She said. A serious look returning to her face.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj nods her head once. "Then I believe, Lillesøster, that we can," she says with a soft smile
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
" I am glad to call you sister" She said with a smile.
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
Haj opens her arms to Astra, but does not lean in. "As am I"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 05/19/2022
Astra smiled and hugs haj " thank you" She said.
(End?)
@Haj
Haj — 05/19/2022
/end
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