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(3.11) Reflections on Carissa
Reflections on Carissa
The Void
ISA Ka-riss-ah
Carissa walked slowly in to one of the eight gardens that lined her midship. Her long white gown flowed about her as she walked slowly from the corridor in to the garden. In her arms, she cradled a bundle of flowers rapped up by a red ribbon. Her long blond hair bounced lightly as she walked through the countless tombstones. She always liked the way her avatar appeared. It was what she would like to look like if she was real. She personally wrote the program for her hair. The length, color, texture and even the smell it gave off was all her own doing. She remembered a long time ago someone asking why she never programed shoes or boats for her avatar. She just preferred to feel herself under her own feet. She didn't care if they understood, but she knew what she wanted and enjoyed having it just her way. Much like the way she would move about her self.
Like other ships, it would be easier for her to just transfer her avatar from one location in the ship to another through her own power grid. But for her, she didn't like to do that. She could, and has in the past during emergencies. But normally she enjoying walking just like the humans do. She also loved the way her body felt under her bare feet. She could feel the pulse of her engines or the change of directions. The slightest change in her performance was easily detected. Well, she was linked with every system on the ship and that made things much easier for her. But she does like to believe that her avatar and her self held a special connection through her bare feet. There was something that just really made her feel more mortal, more human by walking like they do. She also enjoyed the sense of being closer to her crew as she walked among them. Walking in the grass gave her a much nicer feel on her feet than the cold armored steal of her deck plating. If warships were ever aloud to dream, she had one. She had recorded such astral sights that many mortals would never see. Through her own eyes she saw the death of entire solar systems and the birth of a star. Her memory is filled with such wonders, but for her. The one wonder missing is the feeling of a warm summer breeze blowing over her body while she sunbathed in a grassy field.
She paused with a smile on her face and looked up out of the large windows to see the space around her. She could see the region of space around her through a number of different sensors. There were so many different senses that she had that could easily tell her all she wanted to know about this nebula they were cruising through. Despite all that she has seen through her sensors, she had always envied human sight. Not as prefect as her own sensors nor gave the wide range of spectrum that she could normally see through. However, she loved the way her avatar's eyes allowed her to see the world in a more different sight. She sighed, “this place is remarkable” she said softly as she continued to look up through her large windows. Turning her sight from the windows she continued down the path of the garden. Carefully through the graves she walked taking care not to step on any of the graves. She walked till she came to the fresh grave that is the final resting place of her former Captain.
She looked down at the grave for a moment and sighed softly. It was clear by her facial expression that she was stricken with grief. “Greetings Captain” she said softly as she calmly walked around to the headstone. Reaching down her leg and took hold of her gown and slowly pulled it up exposing her lower legs. She slowly lowered herself down to a kneeling position in the grass next to the grave. She carefully placed the flowers next to the headstone. “It has been so long since we have had a chance to talk” she said with a sense of sadness. “I have researched my memory banks and found out that holding conversations with a loved one that has passed away to find comfort in their loss. I have been online for just over a two weeks now and have discovered a flaw in my subroutines. I am not sure how long this flaw has been there and it is starting to effect my efficiency. As I have gone through me, I keep having this line of code that reflects something that is missing within my subroutines. I have this horrible sense of emptiness within my haul. I have been told that this feeling is called Grief” she paused as tears started to drip down her face. She reached up to touch one. She brought her finger up to her face as her head slightly tilted while she look over the moister on the tips of her fingers. “Why would anyone program a warship to experience grief” she paused and wiped her eyes dry with the sleeves of her gown, “I am going to try to find this comfort from grief that is referenced in my readings by talking to you, Sir.”
She made herself ridged as if he was standing right there in front of her, “Damage report, Sir, Energy levels are reaching an operational level but it is still limited to what stars are within range of my solar sails. I have been able to recover some fuel for my reactors and have limited main power back. Currently I am operating at twenty percent on each reactor. I know that I am at critical levels but it is all that I have at the moment. I am hoping to refuel soon. Till then I have most sections of me shut down and closed off. While I have a large amounts of damage across my haul, most of it seems only cosmetic. I do have considerable damage among my communications systems and minor damage to some targeting and sensory systems. The lack of my drones makes it nearly impossible for me to conduct repairs as needed.” she paused as a new wave of sadness washed over her face, “I know, I understand why my drones were jettisoned.” Trying to wipe this new sorrow from her face as she changed the subject. “We have the start of new crew members aboard. There is a human female with them though I am not completely sure about her. The rest are of races of origins that I have never seen before. They seem to have a different form of Government here. Where all races are treated as equals. I am personally confused by it all but it is not the Alliance and I have to accept this fact. I asked one to take up the position of Captain. I think you would like him. He is so much like you in his thoughts and beliefs. I think he might even have the ability to be a Knight. His name is Ogon. He was the one that stood by my side and prevented my shut down. I don't know if I can trust him fully, but I know I can trust him more than the rest do. I had managed to uncover some information from a captured ship. It would appear that at least one of them is a wanted terrorist. I am not sure of what the reasons are but I will be investigating this later. But first I know what I have to do. I am continuing on with our mission.”
“I know how important it is. Trust me Captain, I will complete the mission. I promise you Sir. I have started to share with Ogon some details of the Chaos, the War back home and the Alliance.” She smiled, “He loves to read just like you do. I wish you two had the chance to meet, I bet you two would spend all day talking about me and my kind. He seems to like Avatars and Computer systems. Their own AI's here seem so um, primitive.” She looked down once more in sadness as if a painful memory crossed her thought, “I feel like I am so alone here. Once my systems came fully back online, I remembered so much. But their were also gaps in my memory as well. I remember the death of my son as we departed. But I don't remember feeling this way. So much has changed but you would have to see this place we are now to believe me.” She said trying to change the subject on herself.
She was completely unable to deal with the experiences that she was going through at this moment. It was clear by a tear as it once more started to roll down her face, “This place is just like you had suggested the ancients would have called home. At first it would only seem like just any other nebula. Yet, there is a pathway through it. Once through the path, there is a solar system. Yes I know, but its here. And not only that, three stars and three class A planets. The Gravity fields here are just so incredible, it interacts with the solar winds and causing such a beautiful affect across my haul. The chances of this happening naturally are simply impossible. I have detected a couple of Jump points and markers within the nebula, so they had to have been here before. That is not the most confusing thing. Do you remember” she said with almost a bit of laughter, “that debate we had about the mathematical probability of micro black holes existing? I was right, not one, but three. All in prefect balance with each other.” her smile fade once more, “I was right”
Her tears started to flow once more, “I am so sorry for what happened. I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did. I didn't mean for any of it but I couldn't...” she paused to wipe the tears off her face, “I couldn't just let it happen, you know what I mean.” she paused once more to collect herself, “I have not told them all of what happened. I don't know how to tell them or if I should. Only Ogon trusts me and the others, I know would deactivate me if they had a reason. I have searched through all of our conversations. I know you would insist on me telling them, but there is too much of a probability that they would deactivate me. Haven't I paid for that enough. I was shut down for over three thousand years. During that time I was aware of the passage of time.” Once more her tears ran out of control, “I remember us talking about dreams and nightmares. I remember how you defined nightmares. That must be what they are. Trapped inside my own body. Helpless and silent to all those around me. I could see, feel, and desire. But....have I not been punished enough” she questioned as she dropped her head in to her hands. “I know I have to tell them, but......”
Her voice was cut off as her head shot up with a start. “Sir, we are reaching our destination.”
Ogon's voice echoed throughout the garden, “Thank you, can you get a shuttle ready for us?”
She slowly stood up and nodded, “Yes Sir, be ready to depart in twenty minutes.” She looked down at the grave once more and sighed, “I will be back to talk with you. The research was right, it does help with this grief thing.” Carissa turned and walked out of the garden.
It was lucky for one listener that her internal security systems were not up to a hundred percent just yet. Ubaah slowly slid from behind a large tree and watched Carissa walk out of the garden. He had heard everything that she said in private to her lost Captain. Despite dealing with his own personal lost back on Coruscant, he was still loyal to his friends. He heard everything that was said.
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