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(5.14) Alone to face herself
Alone to face herself
Frozen Forests of Darven Province
Socialist People's Republic of Fra
Mid Rim World of Fra
September 24th, 1936
Now that emotions have over run Angel's ability to control them, her tears washed down her face as she ran through the night. The sounds of the thick snow crushing under her feet was her only assurance that she was still moving forward. Her eyes and vision clouded by the pain of her heart. She didn't care where she was going, she just wanted to get away. Angel had felt love before, and the sense of loss. She knew about its dangers of attachments and understood what could happen. Ever since she was a little girl, she only had two dreams. Be a Jedi, and be a mother along side a man she loved. She even had the order worked out. She would focus on being a Jedi till the time was right and then marry the man she loved and give him a child. Now, she was asked to choose between her only two dreams and the sense of unfairness seemed so overwhelming to her. 'How can I choose' she thought as she tried to put her shattered heart and divided mind back together.
She ran as hard as she could with her eyes half closed and her mind racing. Without warning, she stumbled over something causing her to loss her balance. With her mind so clouded and distracted she couldn't call upon the force to prevent the fall. Maybe deep within her heart she secretly welcomed the fall after everything that has happened already. With a crunchy thud, she landed face first in to the deep snow. Her body started to shiver as the cold snow came in contact with her flesh. She pushed herself up from the snow and looked around. In the moonlight, she was able to see tall wooden structures with small items tied to them. She slowly got up as she looked more closely at the structures. She could feel the force moving through the area. She knew that she was in a area that the lightside was focused on. She saw on top of the structures, she could see bodies in their final resting place. She started to back up a bit not wishing to disturb the site. She let out a heavy sigh as she found a spot that over looked the site. She carefully lowered herself back to the snow, “Why Visst. Why make me choose. Have I not been loyal and followed your wisdom before. Why make me choose between these two things” she said softly as attempted to center herself.
Angel didn't know what she should do anymore. On one hand, she was Jedi. It was something that she worked so hard for. She undergone so many challenges to be where she was at this point. The hardest was turning on Daz and letting him continue down the path of darkness alone. On the other hand, she was Azgardian. It was her birthright to have a husband and children. Never before had any other Azgardian Jedi been forced to make such a choose. 'So why do I?' she thought as she attempted to work things out in her mind. She just sat there for a while as her mind and heart battle each other. The thought of secretly dating Birgr passed through her mind, she remember that her own master's relationship had not been completely open. It was an idea, but she respected Visst too much to betray him like that. It was simply dishonorable to be so deceitful. Looking over at a small pile of snow, she thrust her fist in to it hoping to relieve the frustration she was holding back on. What should have been a soft release of tense turned painful in that moment. She let out a loud, “Ouch!” as she pulled her bloody hand back. She used her other hand to uncover the large rock that had been hidden by the snow. “Figures!” she cursed as she tended to her hand.
“That must have hurt” the voice nearly caused her to leap from her very skin. “You should always be careful of what lays just below the surface of the snow. Sometimes its just harmless, other times it can be very painful” the male voice said calmly. She turned to see a elderly man dressed in animal skins and walked with a wooden cane. Realizing he must have startled her, he continued, “Do not fear young one, I am Saifa. These are lands of my people. I tend to them” he said with respect motioning to the wooden structures.
Caught by surprise, Angel thought for an moment that she might be trespassing. “I am Angel. I hope I am not trespassing by being here” she said softly with a smile while trying to hide her confusion and the raging emotions just under the surface of her mind.
He walked up to her with a smile across his very bearded and hairy face. “I knew when your space craft landed, that you were here. You are welcomed by my people. You are not trespassing” he explained softly.
For a moment, Angel thought that maybe he was a rebel. She soon dismissed this thought as he simply doesn't meet anything she would suspect a rebel would be. She also noticed that he carried no visible weapons. It seemed to set her at ease a bit. “How long have you and your people been here?” she asked him. It was very hard to think of what she wanted to say since her mind was distracted.
He motioned to join her and waited for her to nod her approval. Once she nodded, he took a seat next to her, “We have been here for as long as I can remember.” he motioned to her hand, “Do you mind?” he asked and started to look at her hand, “Ah, you managed to break it.” The pain across her face seemed to prove this fact. He pulled out a clothe and started to wrap her hand.
Angel held out her broken hand as he started to wrap it. “Thank you, so much for your kindness” she said. She thought for a moment what she wanted to say. “That sounds like an long time” was the best she could come up with.
“I am sure it is” he said with a smile. “However what is time compared to the universe” he questioned, “I waited for the love of my life till she was very old and on her death bed. I remember that night like it was yesterday” he explained. Then motioned to one of the structures, “That is her over there” he said. “It was the most happiest night of my life. I wouldn't have traded it for anything else.”
Angel looked at the structures and saw a whole bunch of them. The one that he motioned for had flowers all over it. It was clearly cared for with great love and devotion. “I know that feeling” she said with the sadness she felt in her heart.
Looking up for her hand he nodded, “you are in great pain over something close to your heart? Why not share it. When we let pain out in voice, we manage to lessen the suffering of our heart.”
Angel thinks it over for a moment. She remembers the last time she volunteer to much information. It was the first time she meet Visst. Echoes of the past fill her memory, 'We are hunters!' She shook her head as hindsight made her seem to much more foolish than she had realized at the time. She knew she had to be careful in what she said this time. “Lets just say I have to make an choice between a man I love and being who I am” she tried to explain without giving out too much.
“Ah, I see” he said nodding while still working on her hand. “The choice between love and self” he said softly. She winced in pain, “Oh I am sorry too tight” he said then continued, “As I said, I know the pain you have now. But you must not let the pain of the moment poison the hope of tomorrow. You do not know what tomorrow brings. Maybe tomorrow the choices will change and you can have the man you love. Maybe not, but you don't know. But you must be careful of wasting your life away dreaming of something that may or may not come.” He smiled as he looked up to her eyes, “you are a young and lovely woman. You have the same kind of eyes as my beloved. So filled with desire of adventure. If we waste our lives waiting for what may or may not happen, just like in this case, you will forsake the man you love without knowing it.”
Angel ponders the words he said as she watched him bandage her hand “Which would be the right choose to make? I don't want to forsake the man I love” she asked softy.
“Why do you have to choose between forsaking the man you love and who you are” he asked her calmly.
She looked down, “Its um complicated. But the bottom line is that I am not suppose to have emotions or attachments. I love him with all my heart but I am um, well lets say my career is also very important to me.”
He smiled as he looked up at her once more. There was something in his eyes as he spoke, “To love someone doesn't mean you have to become attached to them. I sense this is what you are fearing. Am I correct?” She nodded then he continued, “Emotions like love are so very powerful. I can see where your situation can become rather tricky. I think you might be miss understanding what is going on.”
She tilted her head to the side, “What are you talking about? I know what is going on. I have to choose between the man I love and being...um...My career.”
He shook his head, “no you don't understand. Hear me out. Emotions are natural for us all. We love, we built friendships, we feel sadness, we have anger, we sense fear, we even hate. All emotions are part of who we are. You can not master the conquest of emotions. They are not something that is meant to be overcome. We must not become driven by our emotions, little one, we must learn to face our emotions. Like in this case, you must learn to face your love and not be driven by it. Only by facing them, you will learn to deal with them. Once you learn to deal with it, then, Love and other emotions will not be able to take away your peace” he said then smiled through his beard, “or in this case, cause you to break your hand. Have love child, do not deny this from yourself. But do not become overwhelmed and driven by it or any other emotions. Learn to control and deal with them. Do you understand” he asked as he returned to her hand.
Angel eyes went wide. What she was hearing was something right out of many of the Jedi books she had read regarding emotions. Well kind of, there was something different about it. She nodded, “I understand this, but this does not change my situation. I can not have attachments. How can one have love and other emotions without becoming attached? What wisdom do you have for this” she asked.
He nodded to her, “I have many wisdom to share. It is why you came here. To seek out the wisdom that I have to offer. It is the reason why I am here. To give you this wisdom that you seek.” his comments sounded more like riddles than any great wisdom. He continued, “In our lives, we must learn to master our attachments and learn just like emotions not to become driven by them. I take it that your career, as you say, requires loyalty above all things. Am I corrected?”
She nodded, “To a sense, but I think I see where you are going.”
He nodded as he finished up the last bandage on her hand, “Love does not have to come with attachments. We put that in to the relationship. But it does not have to be like that” he explained then motioned to one of the wooden structures, “I loved her. For so long I loved her yet we never formed our bounds till she was on her death bed. I have loved many women in my life. Only on her death bed did we allow those bounds to grow and blossom. Did she love me before that. Yes, she did. Did I love her? With all my heart. Yet, to ensure that we were not distracted we did not allow the bounds to entangle us. Attachments can become a distraction. Throughout our lives we form attachments rather we desire them or not. We build friendships, loyalties to governments and allies, and to our families. These are some of the most basic forms of attachments.”
As he continued to speak of attachments, she started to follow what he was saying. There was truth in what he said. Angel could see where Visst was coming from and why he made his choice. Visst didn't ask her to not love Birgr, he asked her to not become attached to him. She remembered one of the more loosely followed rules of the Order regarding attachments. Jedi were forbidden from taking a political appointment or to accept gifts. They were taught that their loyalty was to be to the Jedi Order, and to nothing else. She remembered how she and Daz had violated their loyalties to the Order because of Daz's choices. She was starting to understand what Visst was talking about. She also thought about Visst's own attachment to Daz through friendship, how many times had Visst allowed that attachment to govern Visst's own actions. She nodded as the man paused, “I think I understand now.” She paused gathering her thoughts, “its all about self-discipline and facing my emotion.” Then is snapped in her mind, “Oh my god!” she said as she realized why she had shown Visst a reason to suspect her lack of control and self-discipline. “When my sister asked me who I was first, um, I choose my family over my career.” She looked down as a tear fell, “its not fair. Why can't I be both.”
He looked at her taking a moment away from her wounded hand, “IF I am understanding this right. I would guess that the reason why you can't be both is sometimes a situation will come where the ideals of each will be at odds with each other.”
If she thought her emotional roller coasters was over, she was sadly mistaken. She could feel the dip as her heart rocketed down once more, “Oh, trust me, you don't know the half of that. What if I choose my career and they, my family, turns on me. I want to be part of my family. They will turn on me.”
“No child, they won't” he said as he returned to inspect his work. “Listen, I know something about family bonds. And I can see the love you hold in your family. But it would seen to me that being in your career is something that means a great deal to you. They will always be part of your family. No matter what happens, family will always be there.”
Angel wiped her eyes as it dawned on her. The love she held for her sister was so strong and so deep. Her desire to uphold honor among her own people was also strong. These as well as, her desire to be both Azgardian Warrior and Jedi had led her right in to another form of attachment. She nodded as she thought as she thought about all of her little attachments. Part of her just wanted to get up and walk away. Another part wanted to deny what she was learning. Based on what Visst had told her before, she had already planned to leave the Order once Visst no longer needed her. Her passion for Birgr burned inside her and she felt that if she served Visst long enough to rebuild the Order, she could leave with a clear conscious. So choosing a side now meant causing her little plan problems. However in her heart she could clearly see how these attachments were driving her actions now. 'How can I prove to Visst I can handle an emotionally charged love with Birgr when I am driven by my attachments now' she thought to herself. She nodded, “Talking about one hard pill to sallow.”
He looked up from the bandaged hand, “Sometimes, learning to let go of attachments are the hardest thing we can ever learn” he said. “There you go” he said showing her, her hand “all better now. I would suggest having someone check the bandages at least once a week. Give it a few weeks and you will be all heal up.”
She looked at her hand without even thinking about it. It was clear to her all of the attachments that Jedi before fell in to. It wasn't just her, it was all Jedi. If the Order is to have any hope of overcoming the mistakes of the past, they have to learn to let go of all attachments. For her, she can no longer try to be both Azgardian Warrior and Jedi. She must choose one or the other. No more trying to be both. She would have to speak with Visst as well. She would have to tell him that he was right. Then it dawned on her, she would have to speak to Talon. 'I was wrong sister. I am Azgardian by birth. But I am and will always be Jedi, by choice' she thought of the conversation which she will have with Talon. With her choice made, she nodded “Thank you, Saifa” she said as she stood up.
He smiled and nodded as he also stood up next to her “you are welcome child.”
Angel turned and started to walk back but realized that she was lost in the frozen woods, 'duh!' She laughed, “Um how do I get back to my um...”
“Ship?” he finished her statement as she continued to laugh. He pointed “That way child.”
Angel turned and started to walk back to the camp site. Her mind filled with so much of what she had learned. She found herself thinking of the choices that she will have to make in the very near future. So many attachments, so much to face. As the burial site vanished behind the trees as she walked, she found herself wondering of what other attachments she might have over looked. There were changes coming ahead of her, and ahead of the Jedi. She knew in her heart that they were the right choices to make. She only worried if she had the courage and strength to follow through with them. There were so many things she had to think about on her way back to the camp site. She would love Birgr but her heart and mind must be focused on who she was. Attachments had to come to an end if the Jedi had any hope for the future. She truly felt for the first time that there was hope for the future after all.
As he watched her smiled and waved at her. She walked in to the forest and he lowered his hand and turned to walk back towards the burial structures. A wolf howled in the distance as the clouds moved from in front of the moon. The area once more became illuminated in the pale light of the moon. The trees rustled as a northern wind blew as he lifted his hood up over his head. The wind blew causing the upper layer of snow to kick up around him and follow the wind. The wolf howled once more as the wind continued to blow. The snow slowly became mixed with small bits of blueish gas like vapor that seemed to flow from him on the wind. He smiled and lifted his head to the moon as the wind continued to blow against his back. The fur of his clothing started to shift as the wind took hold of it and more of that blueish gas like vapor flowed off of him and on to the wind. More and more blue mixed with the snow as he walked through the wooden structures. Within moments all that remained was the turning snow on the wind and the howling of the wolf in the distance. The wind died down finally letting the snow settle back down once more. All that remained was old wooden structures of a long lost culture which died out on Fra centuries ago. Off in the distance a lone wolf continues to howl at the moon as it slips once more behind the clouds.
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