Apologies to Haj 6/12/22

[Anatketani]

Princess Astra Korraay — 06/12/2022
Astra stands in the cargo bay panting. She was tired why was she tired. So many emotions run throw anger, pain, and confusion it's like a storm. It takes her a moment to settle enough to recognize her thoughts. Ashanti has vanished again and in their short match revealed so much to her. One thing stands out Haj had been attacked. Haj had been harmed by one of Quinn's goons and she had not noticed.

No wonder haj was so off so distant. She left the cargo bay. She wanted to run but was tired. She searched the ship for haj finding her as she was coming out of the medbay.

" Haj! Ashanti told me you had been attacked by Quinn's second in command. I'm so sorry I did not notice everything happened so fast I did not have time to realize" She said. There was very clear concern written on her face.
@Haj
Haj — 06/12/2022
The young Jedi's verbal and energetical assault hit Haj like a speeder that was out of control. The comparison wasn't that far off by Haj's reckoning. "I thank you for your concern, Astra. Is that who she was? Vos' second?"

Haj tries to move past Astra to head to the bridge. There hasn't been anyone there since before dinner and she wanted to check on the status of their "honor guard" as well as see about arrangements for Krizk.

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/12/2022
Astra moves aside to walk beside her. " yes according to Ashinti she was at the dinner. She targeted you becoyse of your connection to me. I'm so sorry Haj. Are you ok do you want to speak about it" she asked gently.
@Haj
Haj — 06/12/2022
Haj stops walking. She turns to look at Astra. "No. I don't."

She lowers her head, closes her lids, and presses her fingers to her forehead, right between her eyes. The day had been long and trying … and it apparently wasn't over. Through a clenched jaw, she says, "This is the second time within a few hours that you have sought me out. What do you want from me, Astra? Validation? Reassurance? Another apology? More forgiveness?"

Haj's raises her eyes to glare at Astra for just a moment as her voice drops low, "Because just right now, I'm sorry to say, I have exactly none of those things to give you."

Stepping back, away from the young Jedi, to collect herself, she resumes with her a subdued voice. "I promised that I would come to you before I was at the boiling point. I'm not there, Astra. I'm too numb to boil. As long as I stay moving, I stay numb - numb to what happened, numb to what is happening, numb to what is about to happen. I can think critically if I'm numb. I can make hard decisions. I don't have to think about …"

Her voice catches as she inhales. She touches her bruised cheek, a cover to wipe a small tear that clung to her lash. "As I told you earlier when you asked if there was anything you could do to help, it's too late. Or maybe it's too early. I don't know. I just know that I don't know what you want from me, but I can't give it to you regardless of what it is," she concludes quietly.

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/12/2022
Astra stared at Haj she looks hurt. "I...I came here because I was concerned about you" she said then without warning tuned to leave.
@Haj
Haj — 06/12/2022
Haj calls out, "Why did it take the Helvete bringing it to your attention that I might need a healer, let alone my family? You saw me not long after it happened, looked right at me, asked if I was ok, and then glossed over anything I said in favor of your own agenda without a second thought. You just did it again at the cargo bay, only this time your laser-focused attention to your own nose took me away from the last few precious moments I would have with Durro before the two of you head off to the Sith Queen's tender mercies!"

Now the tears fall freely. The ice dam that she had been using to hold back the horrors her mind refused to let go of melted in the heat of her speech to Astra. "Everything was supposed to be water under the bridge between us, sisters moving forward, and today, on top of everything else, I find out that you have been blaming me, using me, all this time, as an excuse to hide from truths you don't like about yourself."

The bruises appear to blend into Haj's now red-rimmed eyes and flushed cheeks, giving the Zabrak woman a ghastly, mottled visage. "I don't have anything left for you today, Astra. I'm tapped out. I asked Durro earlier today, 'How much more are they going to take from me? My free will, my past, my skin, my sanity, and now my heart?'. I have nothing left right now, but I've been asked to give more none-the-less. Durro made me his 2nd. ME! I've 9 months of memories in my head, 9 months of learning to be a person, and now I'm expected to make the hard decisions so that someone is still alive to save the galaxy from the Swarm!"

She blinks when she realizes that she's raised her voice, sounding a touch hysterical. She can feel the thickness of her tears in rivers down the back of her throat. Quieter now, more composed, she continues, "I can see why you are concerned about me, Astra. And I thank you for it. What I can't see is how I can help you so that you feel better."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/12/2022
Astra lessons quietly " I'm sorry I will try to be there for you next time. I...I never meant to course you harm" She says simplay. it all she can think to say theres no point in saying more everything she says pisses Haj off more.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
Haj stands before Astra beaten in body, heart, & spirit. She hears Astra's words - I will try to be there for you next time - and realizes that the gulf between them is now so insurmountable that the healer can't even pretend to cross it to tend the woman who is hemorrhaging right here, right now, in front of her. Its the final blow.

"Fine.," she whispers. "Fine."

Haj lays back against the wall behind her & slumps to the floor. She wraps her arms around her knees & buries her head down in them. Astra can hear Haj's muffled voice wafting up to her. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed so spectacularly at simply being alive that this is where we find ourselves. I'm sorry that you believe that respecting my boundaries means that you feel like you can't hug me when I need it most. I'm sorry that you think it's hard to be around me, let alone care about me."

She lays her head back against the wall, looking up at Astra. "You should have left me on that derelict. The Professor would still be here, unharmed & focused on his life's work. There would have been no chaos with the Priloc or on Origin. You would be further along in the fight against the Swarm -  closer to saving the galaxy, to returning to Roza & Tesara returning to Jack. Durro would ..."

Her voice hitches in her chest. She can't say what she's thinking; can't finish that sentence. "I give up," she whispers finally. "I've tried & everything I say or do, or don't do, is wrong."

Haj pulls herself up the wall, using it for leverage. Voice still thick with tears & exhaustion, she speaks woodenly to Astra. "Durro made me his second. That means you are now my responsibility. I will give my life to ensure your safety. I will fight by your side until Malora & the Swarm is defeated or one of us falls in the attempt. Beyond that, I will be polite, civil, & respectful to you as one who shares close quarters with another ought to be, unless you can suggest another way."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
Astra hugs Haj after she stands without worning. She does everything she can to hide her silent tears. " I'm sorry I just was so confused you wanted me to respect your boundary and when I did you throw it in my face. I can't help you when I don't know what it is you want" she said. She was silent for a moment.

" You have had such a huge impact on the people around you. I want to recover from this nonsense but everything I have done today has only pissed you off." She said quietly. She was trying. But she could not think of the state. Her emotional storm plated chaos across her thought.

" Please let me help you I do want to be here for you. I do care about you it's why the thought of Harming you tariffs me so much. But I can't help when I don't know what's going on or you push me away" she said.

@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
The simple act of kindness, of comforting touch, rips away at the last reserve Haj had tried to keep in place. She wraps her arms around Astra, burying her head in the smaller woman's shoulder and cries out the humiliation of having that woman's hands inside her body, the fear that she will never see her Beloved again, the insecurity of now being the one to have to make the hard decisions. She says nothing as she weeps, momentarily beyond the ability to form words; that part of her brain has shut down to allow for the emotional purge. Haj's legs cannot hold the weight of her burdens any longer and both women sink back to the floor.

Astra has never seen Haj like this before. Such raw, naked vulnerability in front of another is not her style.

When she finally returns to herself, she finds that she is still in Astra's arms. "Thank you," she snuffles.
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
Astra crys silently with her as they drop to the floor. She can't bring herself to react to Haj's words she just holds her tight. " this sucks this entire situation sucks, we need each other and I will always come when you call me" She murmurs quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
Utterly hollowed out, Haj lays her head against the hollow in Astra's chest & wipes the last tears from the lashes of her closed eyes. She's almost too tired to function, but she knows that she has to pull herself together. The day isn't over. No rest for the wicked, she thinks.

She slings one arm over Astra's other shoulder, pulling her into a heartfelt, if  awkward, hug. "Seems I'm just as cracked as those eggshells you've been walking on," she quips lightly as she disentangles herself from the embrace.

Her tone turns soft. "Please don't think that this," she waves her hand at their current situation, "any of this, was your fault. Today was … too much. And there's still more to come. I'm grateful that you were wiling to catch me, especially given what you, yourself, are about to face. How are you? You must be so scared."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
Astra just stares at haj she had not expected the question and been thrown. " I ummm... Am but im more Bothered with the fact that Ashinti is calling the clone the real me, and that Durro only agreed to take me along because im less valuable them the clone. She works that this will kill me that im not strong enough and that the sith will attack the ship as soon as we leave you guys. Even more unerving is that Ashiti draws energy from me in order to manifest the way she does. " She said quickly. The words coming out before she could stop herself.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
Haj looks a little surprised by Astra's answer. "Ashanti is saying ... what now?" She scoots around on her butt to face Astra properly.

"And Durro ... less val ... what?! Astra, I know how you can hear Ashanti's comments, though where she gets her information is beyond me. But how can you know what Durro is thinking?"

She frowns in contemplation. She's unwilling to dismiss the insight, despite its source ... or maybe because of it. Damn the Helvete anyway, she thinks. But insights like those are part of reason you want to be her student, though, aren't they

"If Ashanti thinks this visit to the Sith will kill you, why go? I can pretty much guarantee that she's right about being boarded the moment the Queen and Vos are sure you and Durro are safely secured aboard her vessel. We will need to get the girls off the same way that our new Pac'cosh friend got on board as soon as you leave in order to stand a chance of keeping them safe. And if she's right about that ..."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
" I can't know what he is thinking without talking to him. " She said.

" I... I wanted to face him and face Quinn again. I don't want to be afraid of him anymore. That's why I wanted to go. That and I hoped if I was with Master they would leave you alone. I just don't know what to do. I tried using my seer ability but im unable to break throw. Ashanti may be right I may not be strong enough for this. Could not even bring myself to help you when you needed me the most" She said Quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
For all of her amazing abilities, the confirmation that Astra can't read minds is a comfort to Haj. She listens carefully to the younger woman as she offers here, unbidden,  what she could not in front of the whole crew.

She wraps her arms around her knees. "You know they won't let us go, Astra," she says softly. "They know Tesara is on board, and me, though I would be nothing more to them than a plaything to sell when they are finished, or use as leverage. They know the girls left with us. They will rip this ship apart trying to find them, or find some clue to where we dropped them. Che'ri is more valuable to them than either me or Tesara. If you need to go to beat Vos - and, make no mistake, you will have to beat him if you face him because to leave him at your back means he will be there until one of you falls - then go and may the All-Father bless your task. But you have to know that you will beat him. You can't let your fear take you ... or he will."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
Astra shows her head " I don't want to fight him. It may come down to that one day possibly today not I don't want to fight him I love him still and I.. All I can do for him it not be afraid walk away and hope he can find his way back. With Ashintis wornings im not so sure even going to meet the Queen is a good idea " She said quietly.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
"You love a ghost, Astra," Haj says softly. "You love many ghosts, if I have the right of it ... Sol. Quinn. Roza. The ones you knew and loved are gone, existing only in your memory. Sol is gone from this world and the others ..." She sighs. "The others who wear the faces of the ones you love are no longer the ones you knew, not even your daughter. They've changed ... and you don't love who they are now. You love who they were. You love your memories of them."

She reaches out to cup Astra's cheek. "If I was separated from Durro, or Tesara, or you for years and years, I wouldn't expect you to be the same person you were once I met you again. You would have had experiences that would change you. And I would need to get to know you again, to find out if we were compatible ... because I wouldn't be the same either. Do you understand? Does that make sense?"

She moves her hand down Astra's arm. "After all you've been through, all he's been through, can you really say you still love him? Or do you love the idea of him? From what you say, the man you love could not do what he has done. You say he was a good man. Quinn was a good man. Vos is not. He's a monster, fully in thrall to the Queen and the Dark Side. Can you love a monster, Astra?"

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
Astra smiles " Love is unconditional haj, it does not matter who Roza becomes I will still love them. It does not matter that Sol is dead. I still love him. " She said gently. She was quiet for a moment. Needing to consider her next words.

" I...Quinn confuses me because I do still love him but I can't follow him and I can't stand to be around him." she said.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
Haj looks with sympathy on the young woman who seems younger than her years right now. "I will never understand you, Astra," she says, shaking her head.

"Or maybe I understand you to well"

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
" I love you all I always will love should be unconditional" She said.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
"You're right. It should be. But it isn't. And sometimes letting someone go is the greatest act of love for both you and them." she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

A sadness passes over Haj's eyes, their violet darkening as though a veil has fallen ... but only for a moment. She shakes it off, drawing her back to the present and to her responsibilities.

"I don't know what the future holds for you Astra. You have many voices trying to convince you what you should do. I will quote your master's words to you - Trust in the Force."

She reaches across to hug Astra once more. "I love you as well. Remember that during what comes next, regardless of what that is."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
" I will I am not so sure this is the best idea I think a conversation with master is needed, after my sparing match with Ashinti I question the timing of this. Is there anything you need my help with"  She said gently.
@Haj
Haj — 06/13/2022
"Your master is unavailable," Haj replies, "in deep meditation before his meeting with the Queen. I don't know how soon he will be available to you before you depart."

Haj frowns. "I need to return to the flight deck. Durro doesn't want it unmanned. But I also need to prepare quarters for our guest. And you promised that you would not wander about the Gungnir alone. The clone may be in sick bay, but there's nothing to say that she won't slip past Handyman if his back was turned."

Haj lifts her commlink and takes a breath. She stops before speaking with a slightly confused look on her face. "Astra, does Che'ri have a commlink?"
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
" I know I will speak to him when he is available" she said with a nod.

" Well with my promise not to be alone perhaps I could move to your or Tesara's room for a few days until a better situation for him he can stay in my room" She offered.

"No i dont remeber her having one" Astra said.
Haj — 06/13/2022
"I actually had a thought for him to take my room ... if Durro agrees," she concludes with a blush. The image of him curled up with her little lavender rabbit makes her grin with impish mirth.

Recovering herself, she continues,  "You will be leaving soon, likely tonight, to be on board the Queen's flagship for who knows how long. Once that business is done, the matter should be settled."

One way or another, goes unsaid.

"C'mon," she says, rising from the floor and holding out a hand to Astra. "Let's see if Che'ri returned to the flight deck. She's a dedicated little Padawan, so I expect to find her there, as I didn't see her in sick bay. We'll set you up with her and I will take care of getting Krizk acclimate."
@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/13/2022
" We don't know that that meeting is going to happen I have my doubts about it. Ashanti doesn't act like that for no reason. If she is right we should probably try to escape. Rather than meet with her at all" Astra said.

" She may be but she might also be in the training deck or the library. Honestly Haj I would like the chance to speak to Krizek again if you don't mind. He's been throw hell I he... I can't explain this one but I want a better understanding if he stays with us we will need to help him move forward. Much like all of you helped me" Astra said. One again the healer's completion was coming throw.
@Haj
Haj — 06/14/2022
"It will happen. We have no choice now. The course is set and there is little we can do to change it, especially since Durro is so resolute in his conviction that this be settled so that can face Malora without them at our backs."

Haj frowns.  "He's not wrong about that. We cannot have our attentions divided, trying to fight 2 enemies simultaneously. But even with the departure of the old soldier for one so dedicated to their destruction,  the odds are against us for this encounter. Krizk's injuries will only hamper any assistance he could provide. Perhaps you're right. Your skills might be better served in sickbay. Heal him. Get him ready to fight. He should be more open to the Force now, so may accept your help more easily. But keep Ashanti from him. If he sees her, he may attack regardless. He hates the Sith. And, Astra ... please keep upur attention sharp. The clone is there. She may be sedated, but she's still a threat to you."

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/14/2022
" no nothing is set yet. Again not only Ashinti, but tesara and Chree'ie have bad feelings about this meeting. We should not rush into this and master is a smart man im sure he knows sumthing is off here" she said.

" Both Krizek and handyman are there im sure one of them is capable of worning me should she wake up. Ashanti will not be able to make an appearance for some time, our sparring match took a bit out of both of us. Also, I have a plan for this encounter, sense jedi are demons I will use my title as princess of baklid I may have more luck with him that way" Astra said.
@Haj
Haj — 06/14/2022
Haj puts a hand on Astra's shoulder as she turns toward the flight deck. With the other, she touches the necklace the Seer gave her on Origin. "May the All-Father grant you are right, Astra. We are to beaten down right now to take on the Sith. They will destroy us with nothing but a whisper in our minds."

"Speaking of which, it's not Jedi that are 'demons' to Krizk. He makes no distinction between Jedi or Sith. All Force users are 'demons' to him, which is why I didn't tell him about myself. So please don't mention my skills to him when you talk to him. That said, I did try to expand his understanding and allay his fears. Frigg knows we don't need any more of that on board."

She moves toward the flight deck. "Good luck and be safe. And Astra ..." she turns back to the Jedi, "thank you"

@Princess Astra Korraay
Princess Astra Korraay — 06/14/2022
" of course, your my sister I will always come when you call me for help. Hopefully next time it won't take me so long to realize you need it. may the force be with Sister" She says gently.
@Haj
(End?)
Haj — 06/14/2022
/end