We May Have All Come on Different Ships, But We're in the Same Boat Now (ZAY)

[Gar]

Ni felt a cold chill, as if a bucket of ice water had been dropped over her body. She couldn't hide the mixture of horror and pity in her face as she shook her head and gently put the buttons back in their loops, her hands trembling a little from the shock.

"Oh Zay..." Ni said softly, brokenly, "that bastard really messed with your head, didn't he?" She finished sealing the last button and sighed. "It's true that I take pleasure in those types of experiences, but not like this. There is no enjoyment in sharing intimacy with someone who does not also desire or take pleasure in it."

The Zeltron rested her hands in her lap and smiled sadly up at Zay. "Hey, on the bright side," she said optimistically, "Now we know something you don't want! Which means that you do have likes and dislikes, which means we can find out what it is you truly want!"

Ni leaned in and searched her clone friend's eyes, imploring her, "Try to clear your mind of what other people would want. This is not about pleasing others, it is about pleasing yourself."

[Akirapryde]

As Ni reached up towards Zac's partially opened shit, she lowered her hands giving Ni full access to do what she wanted. She tilted her head to the side as once more purpose was replaced by confusion. "But the hug and touching," Zag said with clear confusion in her voice.

Zay blinked her eyes trying to understand the giv en situation as her anxiety slowly started to return. "I will like what ever it is that you want me to like," she said with her lip trembling. She reached forward speaking with truth on her lips but revulsion in her heart, "I can be what you want me to be." Ni could sense that it wasn't Ni that caused the revulsion. But there was a cause to this deep emotional flood raising within Zay. "I was told you were the reason why I am here," she moved a hand to Ni's leg. Her soft touch trembled every so slightly, "I will do whatever you wish of me."

[Gar]

Ni suddenly realized that it was very possible that Zay had never experienced the kind of touch meant to soothe pain or comfort the soul. Her heart broke as her mind ruminated over this notion, and the anger and bitterness toward Merrick swelled within her. She placed her hand on Zay's, stopping it from traveling any further over her leg. She could feel a lump growing in her throat and an aching in her chest.

"Zay..." the Zeltron said hoarsely, needing to clear her throat to continue, her eyes staring into the clone's intently, "Don't let anyone try to tell you that you owe them anything, ok? It doesn't matter what they do for you. You are free, Zay. You get to choose now," the passionate conviction in her voice rose, "You own yourself now. And damn anyone who tries to tell you or make you feel otherwise."

Ni swallowed hard, still struggling with the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry if my touching and hugging gave you the wrong impression. It seemed like you were hurting, and when I'm hurting I like to be held..." she offered a bittersweet smile, "I'm sorry if you've never experienced this form of touch before. I wish there was something I could do to help you through this transition...I should be the one asking you what I can do."

[Akirapryde]

Zay blinked once more in confusion, "I know then words you are saying. I understand their very meaning. But can you imagine," she said pulling back and looking down. "To not know what to do with it." She slowly lifted her head and once more pleaded with her eyes, "do you not find me suitable," she questioned. "I can change my clothes to something you are more accustom to."

On that she fell silent and looked down in her to hands, "I don't completely understand why all this is happening." Her fears started to build once more, "if you don't desire me, then why?"

[Gar]

There was an awkward silence, as Ni wasn't quite sure how to explain it to her. "Um..." She began, looking away shyly and clearing her throat, "It's uh...Its not that I--I mean, you're very pretty, but--" she sighed in frustration and squeezed her hands together, "You're actually very pretty, in my eyes, but your opinion matters, too, and I know that you don't desire me. And as I said before, I don't enjoy doing intimate things with beings that don't want me, too..." She pursed her lips nervously as she thought of the best way to explain the next point, carefully adding, "Besides, everything is kinda crazy and different for you right now. I think there are..." She couldn't believe she was saying it, "more important, more pressing needs for you to meet right now."

Now that the hardest part was over the Zeltron could relax a little, falling back to her default smile. "As for the reason why. Due to your upbringing, you're probably not acquainted with this kind of thing in life, but now that you'll be seeing more of the world, you'll notice something very special and amazing. And that is," Ni balled up the hem of her sleeve between her fingers and began to tenderly wipe the grease from Zay's face again, "You'll notice that a lot of people do things just because it is the right thing to do; no underlying motives, no expectations, no strings attached. They do it because they want to."

Ni gently tipped Zay's chin up so that she could look into her eyes again, cupping her cheek softly. "Please know this," she said earnestly, "Everything I went through was worth it, no matter what happened. Sometimes the only thing people want is to see other people as happy as they are. It may take some time for you to adjust to being your own Master, but I believe in you!" The Zeltron's smile was bright and genuine.

Then Ni realized she was touching again and she quickly pulled away, jailing her hands in her lap and averting her eyes. She muttered a shy, "Sorry..."

[Akirapryde]

Zay smiled for a moment. It was brief and timid, and for Ni, a rare glimpse in to Zay's heart. As quickly as it surfaced, it was buried under years of conditioning. "How can you tell....." she asked then halfway through realized what the answer had to be. "Your one of THEM," she added as she suddenly felt uncomfortable. "Master had always warned me of Jedi. That they couldn't be trusted. That they speak lies and hide behind their twisted views of how right and wrong should be."

She looked down and shook her head, "I learned that not all of that is true." She looked up at Ni as she added, "you don't appear like that."

Her hands moved across her knees as if trying to find some lost thing. "You speak of such strange things." She moved her to eyes to watch her hands. There was shame in her heart as she continued. "To want someone. Master Merrick never shared me. I guess in that I should be grateful. But I never once considered having a say. He commanded and I obeyed. He was to be pleased and I was to please. That is just how it was. To want someone...it wasn't my place. I was to be used at his whim and he made very good use of me."

She looked up to Ni, "it got to the point that I would get jealous of girls like you. But at the same time, I felt like if I did my role right, girls like you wouldn't have to suffer." Her eyes watered once more. "I can't even tell you why, but in my heart it is true," she said truthfully

[Gar]

"Well, first off," replied Ni simply, "you aren't obliged to call him Master anymore. He is hardly deserving of the title, anyway."

She leaned back in her chair. "Secondly, there are only a few Jedi that I trust, and they all reside in this ship. He dramatized and exaggerated a bit on the Jedi as a whole, but he isn't completely wrong..." She sighed, "That being said, I don't see any difference between him and the absolute worst Jedi; he is just as untrustworthy, devious, and twisted as they come."

The Zeltron fidgeted with her fingers in her lap for a moment as she thought, then looked up with a concerned expression. "It takes a very selfish and cold hearted person to use someone as he used you. To not allow you a choice. I got a taste of what it's like and I feel I understand a little too well how he treated you..."

Ni took a deep breath and pushed the memories from her mind. She forced a smile and said cheerfully, "Anyway, that is all behind you now! Maybe once you get comfortable knowing what you want from simple things, you will find a special someone that you want, too. And when that happens," Ni giggled, "I can give you advice on how to approach and seduce that person! It's a lot of fun, actually! You could become one of those girls you were jealous of!" Ni winked and laughed.

[Akirapryde]

She glanced around nervously and with genuine fear in her heart. "For as long as I have been alive, he has been Master."

She looked down with sadness, "you only saw one side of him. And that wasn't even the worse of it." Her voice was filled with regret, "He never forgot my birthday. He would take the day off and we would do something special. I remember last year he took me to the Opera. I wore a lovely lavender dress. We set in these seats where were eye level with the performers. During the Opera he got a call from work. He was so mad he told them that this was a special day and what ever it was, could wait."

She didn't look up as she played with her fingers, "I remember feeling so important in that moment. That I was the center of his world."

She raised her head, "he wasn't all bad, all the time." She paused a moment before adding, "just most of the time."

[Gar]

Ni had to bite her tongue at first. She paused, took a breath, and softened her reply. "Do you think one night--no, a million nights--at the opera could make up for all he has done to you? Of the way he left you so badly beaten that you needed a Bacta tank?" Her questions were calm and collected as she added, "Better yet, could it compensate for all the people he has tortured and even murdered?"

The Zeltron allowed these words to sink in before continuing. "We tend to gravitate toward what we are familiar with, and you have had no other relationship to compare with his. So you may not understand yet how much better things can be. But please trust me--as one who has experienced many men--when I say that being the sun of a cruel man's world is nothing compared to being the stars of a good man's island. When they respect your right to choose, when they put your pleasure above their own and do not wish to cause you pain, when they really do care for you..." she smiles softly, "Its a whole new experience, Zay. And you could very well find that with whoever you choose, If you give yourself the patience and time to adapt. And even if you don't, that is ok, because you don't need anyone to assure you that you are important. You already are."

The Zeltron folded her hands in her lap and looked directly into the clone's eyes. "Anyway, you don't need to fear him anymore, Zay. And, hopefully very soon, no one will..."

[Akirapryde]

Zay took the words in stride until she heard the word murder. It was clear to Ni that this statement triggered a very powerful emotional reaction that raged just below the surface. Zay held her tongue as she continued to listen. There was still a great deal of fear within her.

She slowly opened her mouth but was simply took emotionally disturbed to speak. Instead she attempted a calm nod when Ni finished her statement. It was clear to Ni that what she was looking at on the surface was a very well trained mask. The storm raged on just below the surface.