Rebecca's After Action Reviews

[Akirapryde]

Oh Dark Early
The Cabal's Hollow
Just outside of Colorado Springs
0430, Saturday Morning

Rebecca's Early Morning Workout

Her alarm went off long before the sun crested over the local mountains. It was as Rebecca had planned for it to be. Everyone was still asleep as she rolled out of bed. It didn't take long for her to find her knees along side her bed. Her mind wasn't even awake yet and yet her body already knew what it had to do. Each morning, she did the same thing since she was a child. She put her hands together and interlaced her fingers as she lowered her head. She rested her elbows on her bed as she straightened her back. Rebecca closed her eyes as she spoke to God in mumbles and whispers. It wasn't that she meant to keep secrets, but the fact that what she was saying wasn't meant for anyone else. She spoke to God as if she was speaking to an old friend.

Like many mornings, Rebecca prayed from her heart:
"Our Father who reigns in Heaven. Give me grace to accept, with serenity, the things that cannot be changed. Courage to change the things which should be changed. And the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time. Enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is. Not as I would have it. Trusting that You will make all things right, if only I will surrender to YOUR will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life. And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen."

So often Rebecca found her prayer brought her peace of heart in the beginning of the day. However as the day passed, she could it harder to hold on to that peace of heart as her anger often boiled over. She knew all to well that her anger was out of balance with who she was. Just seemed that no matter what she did, she couldn't bring this anger under control. She hated not having control over it. Her anger was often the cause of most of her own problems. Recently, her anger played a key role in hurting those around her. Still, each morning she sought peace of her heart through her prayers.

After her morning Prayer, Rebecca remained there for a moment calming her mind and her heart. It was the sound of Simon stirring that finally got Rebecca to move towards her morning. She rose up from the side of her bed and walked over to her dresser. She pulled her hair back as she looked at herself in the mirror. She often saw the beauty of her body, but just under that beauty Rebecca knew the ugly that was her out of control anger. She frowned as she looked at her reflection. She took in a deep breath as she reached down and opened her dresser and started to get undressed.

Anger aside, the past week had taught her many lessons about her other weaknesses. As she reflected on the past couple of encounters she reduced them to their basic forms. She changed in to her jogging wear and laced up her shoes. Each encounter taught her more about who she was. She remembered listening to her brother Vincent talking about his first Cabal. How being in the field exposed his weaknesses and helped him improve on his strengths. Rebecca was starting to learn that valuable lesson as well.

It was why she had made this special plan for this morning. She discovered that she was just not ready to lead. She had to face her weaknesses and ensure that she improved upon them. Instead of holding back, Rebecca was going to push her body and mind harder than even before. Dawning her hoodie over her head, she glanced at herself in the mirror. "Today, Rebecca we will face our weaknesses with courage and change those that can be changed" she said with a smile and nod. "Those that can't be changed will be accepted with serenity." On that note, she turned and left her room nearly two hours before her normal wake up time. She needed alone time to do what she set out to do. It was time to prove to herself that she could lead.

She passed Simon as he was getting ready to greet the morning Sun. "Good Morning Simon," Rebecca said with a wave as she passed him in the hallway. With a spring in her step, she left their large home. Rebecca walked briskly over to the lake. Once there, she calmed her mind and spent a good amount of time practicing her T'ai Chi Ch'uan. She wanted to make sure that her body was fully limber and her muscles were ready for what laid ahead. At the same time, she knew that she needed her mind calm and her emotions in balance. She had ever intention of pushing her mind and body beyond its limits this morning.

As she went through her morning T'ai Chi Ch'uan motions, she couldn't help but think of what she was told about respecting spirits. She wondered if spirits could feel and hear the real world around them, or if they were oblivious to it. Only as an experiment, Rebecca hummed a song that she knew from when she was a child. The song was by a band called Servant and the song was called Surrender. Rebecca wanted to allow the calming flow of her emotions to wash over her as the sounds of the lake washed over her ears. She willed her mind and emotions to flow inward and outward like the waters of the lake. At the same time, she used the song as a guide to how long she would spend preparing her body for what was to come.

Once her song was over, Rebecca gave one last large stretch. She turned to the lake and smiled, "Thank you for spending this morning with me" she said softly stilling wondering if the spirit of the lake could hear her. Rebecca took a long moment to search the surrounding area. She remembered how the spirits had taken to look at her with the Guardian. Her mind was now aware of their presence and more importantly, she knew that they were aware of her. It filled her with a sense of happiness to know that they were there looking towards her with a sense of pride. She felt like a child who had pleased her parents. A feeling that she was not accustom to, but she liked it. With a pleasant smile, she turned and headed down her jogging path.

Her pace was much faster than when she ran with Richard. Her body surged with energy as she leaped over fallen tress and large rocks with ease. She knew that this was only meant to be the warm up for what was coming. Rebecca pushed her body harder as she turned from the path and headed straight up the mountain side. She knew that if Richard had come, he would protested the change. It was why she didn't even talk to anyone about it. She dug deep in to the side of the mountain with her feet as she pushed her way forward. The sudden increase in slope caused the resistance to triple.

Her muscles screamed at the increase in resistance, but Rebecca only leaned forward as she ran harder up the slope. Sweat poured from her as she pushed harder up the slope. She wouldn't be denied the pain. It was her brother Terry that told her, pain was weakness leaving the body. Instead of focusing on the pain, Rebecca remembered how the spirits beyond their home had paid no mind to her. It was if they had not been effected by her presence. She would make sure that she would let these spirits know that she was here. Letting out a soft cry in pain, Rebecca felt her muscles burning under the new training.

"I CAN do this!" Rebecca cried the pain out as she pushed upward. Sweat burned her eyes as she reached up to wipe her forehead. Deeper and deeper she pushed in to the soil on her run up the side of the mountain. Her muscles burned with fire as she pushed harder. Finally her effort was paid in full as she reached the top.

It was of no surprise to her, that on the other side there was another mountain before her. Rebecca paused only long enough to take in a deep breath. As she let out her breath, she started to run down the back side of the mountain. Running through the brush like this cut in to her jogging pants and tore her hoodie, but Rebecca didn't stop or slow down. Her high dexterity and athletics were all that stood between her and a nasty tumble down the mountain.

Going up the mountain, gravity was working against her. Now on the downward run, gravity was making her jog even harder as she had to fight to control her speed. Any misstep would send her out of control down the mountain. It took all of her skill to ensure that she remained on her feet as she ran down the side of the mountain. The fire from her muscles felt as if it would consume her. She thought of using magic to comfort her, but dismissed that idea. Instead she pushed harder. 'Pain is my teacher...' she thought as she ran down the mountain.

It wasn't long before Rebecca reached the bottom of this mountain. She slowed down to a steady jog allowing her body a moment to rest as she turned east along the base of the mountain. She knew where she was going and the path that she needed to take. As she jogged, she looked to the dark eastern skies and saw the first rays of the sun peaking over the tops of the mountains. "It is going to be a great Saturday," she said softly as she returned her attention to jogging.

She saw a large tree that had fallen over a small river. Rebecca smiled as she pushed her body harder to speed up. She wanted to hit the tree at full speed and she let out a cry pushing her body in to a sprint. She hit the tree with all of her speed as she started to dart across it. Half way across the tree, she had to leap over a branch. She landed on the other side of the large branch with all the grace of a great panther.

Her breath filled the space around her head as she pushed harder towards the other end of the tree. Nothing of what she was doing right now was challenging her body in the way she wanted. For Rebecca this was part of her larger plan to challenge her weakness. Running and leaping was hardly a challenge for her. She knew that few people were as swift or graceful as she was. What Rebecca wanted to change was her own personal strength. All of this was just warm up for what she was really planning on doing.

She thought about how many times she had prayed to her Lord for strength. For Rebecca, it was time for a change. Instead of asking for help, she would start building her own strength. After all, the Lord helps those who help themselves. Shortly after the river, Rebecca reached her destination. Barely out of breath, she came to a stop at the base of a large hundred foot cliff. She bent over with her hands on her knees as she fought to regain her breath.

After a moment, she rose back up and looked up the cliff. She had found the cliff while doing a Google maps search of the local area last night. It wasn't all that large compared to other cliffs in the area. But she knew that this little cliff was a great starting point for her. It's near vertical raise would prove to be very helpful to her in testing her limits and building her strength.

Rebecca dropped to her knees right there before the challenge that was ahead of her. She pulled her simple wooden cross from under her shirt and prayed once more. "My Father, I surrender my heart to you. I give you all my disappointments, pain and sufferings. Which you alone can understand. Please give me the courage to move forward and climb higher" she prayed once more. On that note, she put the cross away as she rose to face the cliff. "And so we begin our challenge" Rebecca said with a smile.

She stepped forward and found a pair of good hand holds near the base. She set her feet to support her accent as she reached upward with her arms. She pushed upward and reached for the next set of hand holds. Her legs, already screaming from her run were rebelling at her commands. Her arms rested were now forced to carry the majority of her weight. This is what Rebecca had wanted when she planned this morning routine. She pushed herself upward more as she continued to reach for new hand holds.

At the beginning the climb was easy with its slight slope. The climb was going well but Rebecca didn't allow this illusion to fool her, she knew that the challenge was just ahead of her. And it came when the slope decreased. As the slope changed, the climb became more difficult. It didn't take long for her to realize that her arms couldn't carry her weight. At first, Rebecca had to lean more on her legs than her arms. Which wasn't helping due to their pain and burn from the run. But then her leg slipped forcing her arms to hold her own weight. She struggled to hold on, but her limit had been reached. She fought to hold on to the rocks, but her muscles just weren't ready for this.

With a scream Rebecca half fell, half rolled down the short section of the cliff that she had attempted to climb. She hit a stump near the bottom letting out a painful groan. Cut and bruised, Rebecca rolled back to a sitting position. She scanned the cliff as she thought of what happened. While her foot slipping caused the fall, her focus was on the fact that her arms couldn't support her own weight. She whipped the blood from her face and pulled out some baby powder. She put some on her hands as she scanned the cliff face.

Unshaken, Rebecca got back up and walked towards the cliff once more, "I know you are tall and I am weak. But with your help, I can be better" Rebecca said as she started up the cliff once more. Just like before, the first few feet were easy enough to climb. But as the slope went away, Rebecca found the climb to be nearly impossible for her. She pushed herself to climb higher. She screamed at herself to hold on. But her body simply wasn't able to push any further. Once more she found herself half falling, half rolling back down the cliff. With more cuts and bruises, Rebecca found herself once more at the base of the Cliff.

Rebecca rolled back over and looked up the cliff once more. She hadn't managed to get any higher than she had during her first attempt. "So that is my limit," Rebecca said as she got up once more. She walked back towards the base of the cliff and smiled at it. "Oh I don't blame you. In fact" she said starting to climb up once more. "I thank you, Cliff, cause you are showing me where I am weak and allowing me to overcome that," she said while struggling her way back up the cliff. She half wondered if she had lost her mind. But what the Guardian had showed her was that everything around her had a spirit. So why not acknowledge their presence. For her, it just seemed polite to speak to them as if they were people.

Unlike the first two climbs, this time Rebecca took her time and ensured to be a bit more carefully as she ascended again. This time, she wasn't trying to see something. This time she needed to make a mark of where she could reach. As she reached close to the point where she fell the first two times, Rebecca pulled a ribbon from her pocket. Carefully she wove it around a small branch. "Now I know where my limit is at the beginning" she said as she worked her way down. "We can now look towards improvement," she added.

Once she reached the bottom, Rebecca started to walk away but she came to a stop. She turned back to the cliff and recalled how the spirit world had appeared to her. "So many different spirits around me" she said softly walking back towards the cliff. "So many that I was unaware of" she added, "and how many of you are unaware of me," She said softly. "I wonder if you can even hear me." She reached out with her hand and placed her hand on the face of the cliff, "We have a long painful road ahead of us. You will toss me off many times and I will tumble down. But one day, I will reach the top of you." she said almost as a pledge to the cliff. Like all challenges before her, she wanted to face this one head on.

Holding her hand on that cliff she closed her eyes and remembered her old T'ai Chi Ch'uan instructor from Texas University......

Rebecca stood in the center of a large sporting field with an older man just across from her. Their movements slow and in somewhat prefect unison. However, it was Rebecca who was not in unison. It was if she was trying to catch up to where her instructor was. With each new movement, it was clear that Rebecca was becoming more and more frustrated. Her own movements were not an exact match of her instructor's and that bothered her. Try as much as she could, she couldn't master his form. Finally she gave up, "I just can't get it down!" she said in frustration and she whipped her arms around.

"Rebecca," her instructor said softly and calmly, T'ai Chi isn't about mastering the movements. But understanding them. He stopped his as he turned to face her, "your chi is so out of balance. You must learn to find balance with your anger. I understand your...."

Rebecca shot him a glare, "don't pretend to know anything about me. I am in this class so I can learn to deal with stress" her fiery words shot out at him. It wasn't so long ago that Rebecca faced the hardest moments of her life. That anger was still near the surface and Rebecca hated it. But she couldn't seem to control it. In the moment she spoke she regretted her words. She let out a deep sigh, "forgive me....."

The old man smiled, "There is no need to be forgiven. Anger is part of who human beings are" he said softly. "Like all emotions, everyone feels anger. We feel that we have more power when we get angry. But when we look at the events that follow, we will find that the power we wield is hollow. It may create fear but never love. We also think that the other person has done something intentionally and cite a particular reason for their action and your anger. But mostly we are wrong. We have become angry because of an immediate and irrational reaction based on a notion we have in our heads." He paused and watched her standing there. It was clear that her mind was not on what he was saying.

With a smile he spoke, "Rebecca" he said to get her attention. "You think I can't possibly know my new student?"

It was true she wasn't paying attention. Her mind was on the tests she had coming up at the end of the week. Her regular trips home and then the stress of being a student didn't help matters. However, she knew in her heart that she had failed her father and family as a mage. Being the best student was her last chance to earn their respect. Rebecca eyes narrowed, "Oh I am sure. Go on, impress me."

He gave a nod, "I know that your father paid for your classes in full even though the semester was past its half way mark. Your classes were credited as if you were here from the beginning. I know you have more then earned your credits and the place here. But the truth is, the university would not normally accept just any transfer like that. Yet you and your friend, Kira were accepted because of your father." As his statement came to a close he motioned for her to join his movements once more.

Rebecca half laughed as she nodded, "Okay but that is all common knowledge." she started to resume her motions to match his own. "Those bleeding heart liberals down at the Student Union made a big stink about our transfer even though we have more then earned our place. With my make up work completed, I have better grades than ever last one of them. Now, I am in the running for Valedictorian." She could feel her anger raise as she thought about how they talk about her behind her back. "They are just jealous of what I am capable of,"

He smiled and nodded, "I truly believe that you are capable of remarkable things Rebecca. I can feel your Chi. It is vast and deep as the ocean. But right now it is filled with that turning whirling motion of chaos that is the storm of your anger." He paused a moment before adding, "I know that your father wields incredible political and financial power. As such, he has made many enemies. The kind of enemies that require his family to be protected" he said motioning to the two bodyguards on the other side of the field. While they appeared to be uninterested, it was clear that they were observing all that was going on.

Rebecca nodded, "again, common knowledge." She hated the idea that they were there babysitting her. "Before I didn't need bodyguards. But now, they follow me to every class. I feel so...." Her anger rose as she thought of how much her father must have lost faith in her to have her watched like this.

"Caged" he said softly. Rebecca nodded. He nodded, "But you are right, this much is common knowledge. Might I ask, is your breast common knowledge?"

Rebecca felt her anger raise even higher, "WHAT!?" She was about to protest in anger when he cut her off.

He grinned at her, "you are still lactating."

In that moment Rebecca's face went flush as she moved to cover her breasts.

Without missing a beat, he continued, "don't worry, you hide it well. Everything has shown that your father has the means to hide a untimely pregnancy. While I can not discern rather the child was by intent or other wise, I can tell that you love that child deeply. The fact that you still pump for this child tells me so. Thus the reason why even months after the pregnancy you are still lactating."

Rebecca lowered her eyes as she continued to go through her motions, "I miss him so much." As her mind thought of her baby, her anger slipped from mind. Her thoughts became calm once more.

"I know," he said as he nodded, "this much is seen in your eyes." He moved through his motions slowly as Rebecca mirrored them. He could see that the child was a source of calm for her. "Your stress comes from deep within you. The source of this imbalance is the object source of your stress and of your anger. While this secret is only known to you. You must learn to bring this anger in to balance with yourself." He took in a deep breath, "your anger is the reason why I have invited you to these private lessons. To offer you the personal lessons needed for you to learn to deal with your anger. This will take time and nourishment. Much more time than you have left here at Texas University. However, I will do my best to put you on the right path. If we are both successful this semester then in time, this path will bare fruit that you can be proud of."

He paused once more, "we are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world around us. If we can observe without judging or interpreting. For instance, brown, round, curved thing on the ground- if it hisses, it is a snake, otherwise we just look and see it is a rope- then we have developed the ability of bare attention or noting and are aware and mindful and non-judgmental."

"We can become angry with trivial things as well as serious things, Rebecca. No matter what, when we are angry we do not feel well. On the other hand it feels good when we are happy. When anger arises, it is because of what we think and how we view reality. The way we view reality depends on our assumptions and beliefs and previous conditioning. Suggestions and expectation also affect our reality. But the foundation of all this is very flimsy. It is important that you understand Rebecca, that what we observe in the moment is what we know. The rest is all interpretation based on a filter of past experiences that may or may not have any relevance to it. So we all have the power to choose in each moment and not be controlled by our previous conditioning or our past expectations. Just pause and ask yourself, what is really happening here?"

He paused a moment before continuing, "There are certain hypotheses I ask you to consider regarding your anger, Rebecca. First ,anger is a destructive emotion. Second, the first person damaged by anger is yourself. Third, when you act out of anger, you will act irrationally. Forth, you can, if you choose, reduce the amount of anger in your life. And Rebecca lastly, as you reduce anger in your life, you will be happier and more effective in what you do."

He paused speaking in that moment and stood straight up. He slightly bowed towards her, "when you are happy and effective in what you do. Those around you, like your child, will find reason to be proud of you. Through peace of mind and balance of emotions, you will achieve all that you set out to do. I promise you this Rebecca."

Rebecca smiled as she stood straight up. She gave him a slight bow. She wasn't sure if she could master her emotions like he suggests but she would at least try.

The memory faded as Rebecca stood there touching the hard stone of the cliff. She sighed heavily, "it is time for me to stop allowing my anger to control my actions." She paused, "I have said this so many times. But it is so hard for me to change from this path. I know that I have a better path before me. I know that that better path is going to be long and hard. I know that I will be challenged, I want to do my best. But the temptation of taking the easy path filled with anger is so hard to ignore." There was a tear running down her face as she remembered her son. She missed him so much. It was a horrible punishment for her to be sent here without him. Without hearing his laughter and being there for him.

"I want to do my best to make these changes" Rebecca added then stepped away from the cliff and paused once more. She smiled and straightened her body. She slowly gave the cliff a bow saying, "I will be back tomorrow and we will see how high I can reach." She spoke to the cliff as if she was talking to a long time friend. She turned and started to head back to the hollow. She knew that Richard would be waking up soon and she had to get ready for his level of training. Despite the pain, she pushed herself once more through the forest.