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Get Help 2/4/2022
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Hadaza wakes from her nap sometime later sore in all her parts. Slowly moving to a sitting position on the settee where she dozed off, she notices her cuts. The ones on her hand and arm are superficial, and she is glad to see that the one on her thigh has stopped bleeding. Jeg må få Handyman til å se på disse, she thinks as she limps across the observation deck trying not to reopen her wound. Nei ... jeg vet hvem jeg trenger å se "Ow," she says as she tries to put weight on the injured leg. "Guess I cut myself worse than I thought."
Turning left out of room instead of right, she limps off down the hall to see @Tesara Anerin
Several minutes later, she arrives at the door. The gash has opened from the movement of the muscles and she is bleeding freely once more. Hva et rot ! Hvor apropos, she thinks as she alerts the occupant inside that someone is waiting for her.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara stands, sets down her data pad and opens the door. Stunned, her mouth falls open. "What happened?" She gasps, kneeling down to press her hand to the gash in Hadaza's thigh.
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Haj smiles weakly down at @Tesara Anerin. "Apparently, I need more practice. Can I come in?"
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
"Practice with what?" She is obviously flustered. "Yes but I need to go get bandages and a few other things. I would march you right down there myself except that..." She frowns, trying not to be cruel, "Man is there, singing insanely." She grabs an extra blanket from the little closet and sets it on her bed, then gently sets Hadaza down. "Don't move, all right? I'll be back as soon as I can." She says, squeezing Hadaza's shoulder and then sprinting from the room.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Haj removes her ripped, stained uniform. Jammen!, she thinks, Nå må jeg dra til Kenobi for mer klær. Jeg vil stå så langt i gjeld til ham at jeg vil være hans tjener til svermen er et fjernt minne og alle Søstrenes hellige
She looks around the small, well-kept quarters, so similar to her own, yet there seems to be a peace here that is lacking in hers. She breathes it in deeply, hoping that some of it will settle into the deepest recesses of her spirit, which is more in need of healing than her leg.
She is loath to wrap in the blanket that @Tesara Anerin left, lest she bloody that as well. So she settles herself gingerly from the bed to the floor to wait.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara returns a moment later with bandages and wound cleansing wipes. She stops short when she sees Hadaza on the floor. "What...I told you not to move!" She looks half amused, half exasperated. She kneels down and sets her supplies next to Hadaza. "I am beginning to think that I should tell you what I DON'T want you to do so you'll do it." She gives Hadaza half a smile. "Now, let me clean your thigh. It's going to sting, so I want you to breathe the same way we do when we meditate." She says, watching her.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Chagrined at the the small chastisement, Haj sinks into herself prepares herself for Tesara's ministrations. Feil igjen, she thinks as she begins the rhythmic, meditative breathing. What she wasn't prepared for, however, was how much the antiseptic actually stung. "Gods Below Dammit All!" She yelps and flinches as the cool liquid sears her flesh.
She flushes at her outburst and drops her eyes. Pulling away, she starts to rise from the floor, heedless of the mingled claret and catholicon dripping down her leg. "I'm sorry for yelling. Thank you for your help, @Tesara Anerin. I'm sorry to have troubled you.", she says as she moves to gather her clothes and leave.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
"SIT DOWN." Tesara commands.
((OOC the tone is commanding but not harsh))
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Hadaza is stunned by Tesara's magisterial demeanour. She's never seen this side of the other woman before and the command pummels any reserves left in the already defeated Zabrak. Hadaza sinks awkwardly back to the floor.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara sighs quietly. "I am sorry if I sounded harsh but Hadaza...you're bleeding. You need help. I don't understand why you tried to bolt. Yelling is a perfectly reasonable response to pain." She settles herself into a sitting position. "Let's try again." She says gently. "Close your eyes and breathe. I have to finish cleaning the wounds but I can try something first." She says, closing her own eyes and using Heal Another (taking 10). Hadaza feels a flush of warmth and the pain eases significantly. It does not vanish completely, but is much more bearable. When she is certain it is all right to continue, Tesara once again tends to the wounds. The ones on her hands are nicks, but she tends those as well.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
The heat melts Hadaza's aches. Her shoulders visibly release tension she didn't consciously know she was holding; it had been there for so long. Her eyelids fall, mirroring her shoulders. She sways and slumps back against the bed. "Seems I may be more effete than I previously thought," she slurs.
The torpor precipitates an honest admission from Hadaza, one that had hitherto only been in her thoughts, "You have all done so much for me and I'm nothing but trouble. It would be better if you just give me over to the Sisters."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara glances at her, frowning. Hadaza's eyes are closed. "You really think that?" She asks softly. She finishes bandaging the wounds and watches Hadaza.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Without opening her eyes, her head lolls as she says, "I do"
Helpless to stem the tide of her sincerity, she continues sotto voci, "I am ondt øye, a curse. I have endangered your crew - their mission, their lives. Even Ashanti is better than I. Put me off. Fly on to your future. Leave me to whatever Skjebne has in store for me . For if I am not worthy to repay my debts to you here, perhaps I can pay them forward elsewhere."
A single tear slips from under her sealed lashes.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara feels a lump in her throat at Hadaza's words. Without speaking, she pulls the Zabrak into a hug, mindful of the wounds but knowing how important this is. "That's not an option we are going to take, Hadaza. You're a part of this crew, a part of this mission." She says softly. "And you are MY student. You asked me to teach you which is an honor I never thought to have. Whatever horrible thoughts are plaguing you, they're lying." She continues to hold her, remembering a similar time in the cargo bay. She hopes Hadaza does not pull away. She needs this, and in a way, Tesara needs it too.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Beyond tears, Hadaza sibilates into Tesara's shoulder. "Ben almost died today. Ryan was injured rescuing me. We lost the support of the Priloc people. I am stjernekrysset." She bows her head. "Every time I try to prove that I am worthy of such sacrifices, I fail, whether it be word or deed. My very being is anathema. I should have died on that derelict and each breath I take is nothing but a snarl in the Great Web."
She pulls away from @Tesara Anerin just enough to look up into her eyes. "How does a mistake make it right?", she asks in a dead voice. The unspoken plea for an answer that give her hope visible just below the surface.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara shakes her head. "If you expect perfection of yourself, you will always be disappointed. Everyone makes mistakes. Little ones, HUGE ones, and everything in between. I once plucked the wrong herb from the riverbed and my mother didn't notice in her haste and the wound went so septic he nearly died. I was horrified and so upset. Finally I went to my mother and asked if I would be punished. She said no of course not. She asked me if I would make that mistake again? I said no! She reminded me that SHE had also made a mistake in not checking the herb I had handed her. And just like that, I was forgiven, and so was she. It seemed so strange to have nearly caused a death and yet everyone moved on. One thing you are focusing on is that Ben DIDN'T die. Ryan DIDN'T die. The Priloc gave us supplies and let us leave peacefully, without killing anyone or attacking us. The only thing you can do is learn from your mistakes. Remember each thing that happens when choices you make create waves. Sometimes those waves are good, sometimes they are bad. Hadaza, you are not a bad person. If you were, you would not be crying in my arms right now. Like, Ashanti, you'd be smirking and flipping your blond hair and being cold, heartless, and cruel. I would rather have you at my side a thousand times more than that bitter, angry girl." She smiles a little. "So the answer is no, I am not 'handing you over' to the Sisters of the Angel. You have a hugely important role in our quest. You can SENSE the swarm, Hadaza. Your ability to do that alone is extremely important. AND you know how to fight. Everything you're learning here from me and from the Professor...it's all going to come into play when we face them."
Having spoken more than she had in days, she took a long breath and smiled a little. "Wow I sound like Durro."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Hadaza nickers bitterly and sits back, fearing that the admission of her bane may contaminate this doyen, this være av lys. "I don't make mistakes, Tesara. I am the mistake. Each word. Each deed. My past. My present ... ", her words trickle off as she loses herself in thoughts of a thousand futures, each more gut-wrenching than the last. Tesara can see the brio leaving her eyes. Where once she fought so hard to find herself, now Hadaza is losing that battle to despair.
The unintended consequence of this submission to true vulnerability, one not fueled by fear but by love, is that @Tesara Anerin can also see the tendrils of a soft, sweet nature that has previously only shown itself in guarded jests.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara looks thoughtful. "So you're saying the Force made a mistake in guiding us to you? Guiding me on how to save you on the derelict? That it made some tactical error?" She asks, a slight look of amusement on her face. "I don't think so. If the Force felt you were, as you put it, a mistake, then you and I would not be having this conversation right now. And now I understand what those voices are. The whispers that are plaguing you are the Dark Side. That you have resisted so far is admirable. The Dark Side knows your deepest weaknesses and exposes them, hooking its claws into your worst fears and manipulating them until you are an Ojiji of yourself." She frowns, trying to find a word in Basic that encompasses the term in her native language of Lanus. "Like, a husk? A shadow? of yourself. I need you to look at me now, Hadaza." She says calmly, but firmly.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Hadaza doesn't respond. Her eyes are empty, her body limp, and breaths so shallow and infrequent that @Tesara Anerin can barely see it, even though Haj barely has a stich on her body.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara is alarmed, but takes a long, deep inhaling breath to calm herself. She has never seen anyone in this state before when they were not mortally injured.
But the injury is within her
She closes her eyes and calls upon the Force. She tries Empathy (((OOC rolled a 10 dammit))). But that does not seem to be working. She tries Telepathy instead. ((Rolled a 27 with Nat 20!)) She sends a mental picture of herself to Hadaza as if they are in the river, Tesara holding on to her. "Hadaza, open your eyes and look at me." She says, her voice strong but not sharp. "Come back to us. Stay with us."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Tesara can see the athletic frame, one she has seen move so effortlessly before, struggle ... insisting on life
One blink
A discernable change in her breathing
Another
A whisper, "Tesara?"
Haj takes a deep breath, like a woman breeching the water from nearly drowning. @Tesara Anerin can see behind the veil that had dropped over Hadaza's spirit thinning as the oaken woman before her once again proves her resilience.
"Tesara?" A stronger note issues forth as Haj's focus returns to the young blonde's beautiful green eyes.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara grips onto Hadaza's shoulders on the floor of her room in the Gungnir. "Hadaza, can you hear me?" She switches her grip to Hadaza's hands, mindful of the cuts there. She squeezes Hadaza's hands. "It's time to tell the Dark Side that it cannot have you, do you hear me?" She says firmly. "Don't let it take you. I am right here, with you. Let me help you, please." There is the hint of fear in her voice. Now is not the time for Fear to take her. She grits her teeth and pulls on Hadaza's hands, closer to her and wraps her arms around her again. "Come on, keep your eyes on me, come back to my room and me. Do NOT let the Dark Side win!"
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Haj stirs slowly, like waking from a dream. She wraps her arms around the other woman for warmth and security; the solidity of Tesara's body against her own reassures her that she is still alive, still present. "I'm here, @Tesara Anerin. I'm here."
She slumps weakly on Tesara's chest as she takes slow, deep breaths ... and tries not to shudder with a bone deep cold
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Relief floods through her. "I've never seen that happen." She whispers. "I hope to never again." She pulls another blanket off her bed and wraps Haj in it. She turns, holds out her hand and pulls another cupboard open using the Force and brings a pair of warm socks she had bought back on Baklid. She puts them on Hadaza and sits with her, feeling the shaking and shuddering and patiently waiting for it to stop.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
She smiles gratefully at Tesara and pulls the blanket tighter. "I'm so sorry ... for everything. I've been so awful to everyone." She flushes as the embarrassment of what the past few weeks have been like and puts her head in her hands. "They must think I'm a monster, or, worse, completely insane. What happened, @Tesara Anerin? You said something about the Dark Side? If that's true, then I owe you the biggest apology ... next to Astra, Durro, and ... " she blanches.
"Oh, Gods ... The Professor. Tesara, I've been so horrible to him."
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara blinks. "Hadaza, please take this with the love that it intends and do not use it as another opportunity to beat yourself but...STOP. Stop beating yourself up! Hadaza we all make mistakes. If you feel the need to apologize to anyone, feel free to do so but...don't take the weight of the world on your shoulders! You know the professor says and does things that can be very heartless and cold. Have you ever heard him apologize?" She smiles and shakes her head a little. "The Dark Side has done a number on you. Whatever wretched things you hear in your mind you just automatically believe. You cannot give it your power any longer. FIGHT IT." She says firmly. "Begin to listen and understand it for what it is. Then call it out and refuse to give in to it. I know that is so much easier said than done."
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Hadaza laughs weakly at the thought of Kenobi apologizing for anything. Det blir dagen, she thinks
She sobers as she takes in Tesara's words about shouldering the weight of the world. She can't help it. So much death and destruction lay at her feet, so many people hurt or killed. How can she not feel like she's responsible. Her crew. This crew. The whole galaxy ... She can feel the pull on her spirit once more threatening to drag her back into that place from where there was no return, or at least not a second time. She looks up into those incredible eyes once more.
"How, @Tesara Anerin? How do you fight something that is so strong and so easy? How do you not let it consume you?" She straightens a little, adopting a pose that is more formal .. or as formal as sitting almost naked wrapped in a blanket will allow. "Master Anerin, I can't be what it wants me to be. I don't want to be, which is more important, I think. Show me how to not be that person."
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara chuckles. "I guess I look more put together than I really am. Honestly, it is a daily battle to keep myself centered and calm. Fear, anger, guilt and shame are the enemies of the Light Side. But I am not a God, I am fallible. I had years of training with my Mother and my Aunt learning healing and herbcraft, and then years of training with the village Yilsaani - the shaman - learning how to be a shaman. And then I met Durro and spent five years with him learning the ways of the Jedi. Hadaza, that is my whole lifetime spent learning how to walk in the world as a centered, calm, thoughtful, proactive person! Yet you yourself saw how easily that can slide when the Professor was so callous on Priloc. I was angry. I allowed my anger to consume me for a short while. It took a lot out of me. It took me hours and hours to come back to center. Hadaza..." She smiled warmly. "You are only a few months old. Yet you expect utter perfection from yourself and chastise yourself viciously when you fail. You're being so unfair to yourself, and to the Dark Side, that is a banquet of energy you feed it. So we'll continue with training. You will likely get frustrated with the pace of it, but if you really want to embody the calm within the storm, then it takes time to learn how. Are you willing to be patient while you learn?"
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
"Soooo … … … what you are saying … … … if I understand you correctly … … … … is that Professor Kenobi … … … is the Dark Side!" Haj grins wickedly at her small attempt at levity before returning to the gravity of the moment.
"I keep forgetting that my body is older than my experience. You're right, of course. I ask too much of myself, especially since I'm still trying to figure out who that is."
She frowns deeply, struck by the memory of what she and Ashanti discussed. "Ashanti said something while we were out together. She," Hadaza's face sets with the concentration of recall, "said that the Dark Side whispered to her from the earliest moments of her existence. She said it was no different for me, that she sensed the blood on my hands the first moment I approached her in the ship. Her quote to me was, 'Like me, you are a cold blooded killer. Though you have me in years, I feel I am up to the challenge to catch up your body count.' I'm worried that some part of me is already so deeply woven with the Dark Side that it may be harder for me to escape. Patience is not a luxury that I can afford, which may be why I demand perfection. Yet it seems that the very thing I crave the most is also the most dangerous path for me to be on. When we compound this need to run from things I don't know about with the guilt and shame of so much blood that I do know about ..."
Her thought remains unfinished as she contemplates both the import of the conclusion as well as remembering other pieces of the day with Ashanti and how the Sith woman tried to mind rape her. Hvis det er det Dark Side gjør med en, gjør dem i stand til den slags fordervelse, vil jeg ikke ha det.
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
"I will likely get frustrated with myself because I am not, and can never be, perfect. I need to learn forgiveness, first and foremost to myself. It may be that this is where we start. Forgiveness .... and patience. I am so far behind in life, being, as you so accurately pointed out, only a few months old." She smiles at the jibe.
"My muscle memory is in tact. The holes in my mind demand filling with the speed and power of a laser cannon and chafe with the time it takes to bring them into alignment with my body. And when it doesn't happen, well, I guess the long and the short if it is that I have a tantrum. Par for the course, if the analogy of being only a few months old is followed to its logical, if absurd, conclusion."
She leans back against the bed, weighing every decision, every action, every word of the last few months and hangs her head. Jeg er den samme lurvete som jeg anklaget Ashanti for å være. Gudene nedenfor, men jeg hater speil
"I'm ready to grow up, @Tesara Anerin. Time to align the 3 parts of my life - body, mind, spirit - into one being. And, yes, I'm willing to be patient while I learn, if for no other reason than impatience has shown to be an imperfect path to what I want."
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara is quietly impressed and pleased. "Nothing worthy is achieved with impatience." She quotes the Yilsaani who trained her, and then Durro said something similar to her many times. "I'm glad to hear that you'd like to start with Forgiveness. I can grant it to you, but the real trick is granting it to yourself. Can you remember that you're imperfect and therefore doing your best? Can you step back from the frustration and anger that comes so easily and remember who you are and that you are worthy of forgiveness? These are things to hang on to when the anger and irritation rise up." She settles into a more comfortable position. "As for Ashanti and what she said, it doesn't matter. It holds weight only if you give it weight. So be aware, be mindful, but also know that whoever that person was, it's not you." She looks at her student, proud and aware of the long journey ahead. "Do me a favor?" She asks, a slight smile on her face.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
"Only if you don't ask me to forgive myself right away," she quips. "As for thinking myself worthy of it, that, I fear, will be harder. Of all things, that one is the most challenging. I don't know my worth, in my eyes or any one else's, for all that I'm told I have some. Worse, every time I try to prove it, I'm wrong somehow, and often with dire consequences."
Haj curls up her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. Completely enshrouded in the blanket now, she looks to Tesara like nothing but a floating head. "Therein lies the crux of my need for perfection, I suppose - to prove I'm worthy of the sacrifices that have been made for me. I *do * take the weight of the world on my shoulders, at least the weight of this small one here on the Gungnir. How can I forgive myself when all its all I see when I look at any of you is what I have wrought? How can I make it right when everything I do, everything I am, ends ...", she holds out her cut up arm, "like this? How can I forgive myself when I don't believe that others can?"
She pulls her arm back inside the blanket once more and twines around herself, though for warmth or to self-soothe isn't obvious. "We're going in circles and it serves nothing. No, that's not true. It serves a Dark purpose that I don't understand. This, is seems, is my greatest weakness and one that is the most easily exploited to the detriment of all around me."
Putting her head back on the bed, she says softly, "For å bryte en sirkel, skift fokus ved å gi slipp på problemet og ikke prøve å fikse ting. Velg dine tanker nøye. Endre og hev vibrasjonen ved å fokusere på det som gir deg glede. Og vær åpen for andre."
She scoots forward towards Tesara and lays her head in the other woman's lap. "I'm not ready to forgive myself, @Tesara Anerin. Ask me your favor, so long as it's anything but that, I will try my best to grant it."
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara has no idea what Hadaza has just said in her native tongue, but chooses not to ask. She understands though. This is not an easy thing and will take a lot of time and practice. "No." she smiles gently. "I do want to ask you though, if you are struggling or hurting or feeling like you want to bolt or....other things, please find me. Don't try to fight the Dark Side on your own yet. But that requires recognizing your urges. That is not easy either. But I would feel sad and worried if you folded in on yourself and didn't ask me for help. You asked me to train you and that creates a bond between us. To pretend as if you can do it all on your own is detrimental to the training." She stretches a bit, leaning back on her hands. "And about the forgiveness part? The question to ask yourself is when one of us messes up in grand fashion or even in a little one, will you forgive us? Because it WILL happen. We will make mistakes. We are not infallible." She smiles a little. "Remember that while you're trying to shed your need for perfection - we are not perfect either. Durro, Astra, me, and the Professor especially."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Without rising from Tesara's lap, she answers, "I will tell you the same thing I told Durro. I can't promise that I won't run sometimes. But I can promise that I'll always come back ... and I'll always make sure to share the journey. Yes, I can vow that I won't try to go it alone, though it narks my disposition to agree to it."
She rolls over onto her back to look up at her. "As for forgiving others, everyone but Ashanti has proven time and time again that you are worthy of that. I certainly don't expect infallibility from any of you. Ben has both saved my life and endangered it within the same day! I'm not sure which was the mistake, but one of those actions most certainly was!" Hadaza's shoulders jounce once in silent mirth, but the gallows humor wasn't lost on @Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara grimaces. "I couldn't believe it when he refused to leave because he didn't want to leave you behind and then BOOM moments later pulled us back into danger because he was curious. They say cats have nine lives. Is he on his sixteenth or something?" She snorts. "Honestly he is the most confusing man I have ever met." She looks down at Hadaza. There is color in her cheeks again. "Thank you for agreeing to do your best to ask for help. And that doesn't just mean from me. Durro is more capable than I of giving aid when it is needed, he has been doing this a lot longer than me." She pauses, thinking. "I'm glad you came back from that place today, Haj. You went really deep."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
"I don't know if it's Ben that has that many lives or me. Though if neither of us is more careful, we are both going to reach the end sooner rather than later. Speaking of which," she sits up & faces Tesara. "He and I have unfinished business." She looks down at her current state. "But I think if I show up on his threshold like this, I think we would both lose another one to embarrassment."
She looks at her ruined uniform. "Well that will never do. He's going to be so pissed that I've ruined it. I wonder if Handyman can stitch it," she grimaces, "and get the blood out." Haj rolls her eyes at the catastrophic lump of fabric. In what may be her most inarticulate utterance ever, she simply says "Ugh".
Rising to pick it to go find Handyman, she says quietly to Tesara, "I have no doubt that I have killed many people with these hands. Neither do I doubt that I have died in this body at least once, perhaps more. But I believe today was the closest I have ever been to Death." She makes sure that there is an unmistakable emphasis on the last word, as though she were speaking of an incarnation rather than a state of being. "There is a cold there, a quiet, where all you can hear is the echo of your failures, all of them, the abortion of every hope, the calamity of every misstep, the tragedy of every prayer unanswered, all that never was or ever will be are voices in the dark that reverberate around you ceaselessly. Pray you never experience it, @Tesara Anerin. And kill me if you ever find me there again. It would be the greatest act of kindness."
She kneels back down on the floor in front of Tesara and hugs the woman deeply, genuinely, & without reservation on any level. She reaches out with the Force, making herself as vulnerable now as she was in those moments when Tesara found her in the darkness. "I can never thank you enough for what you did today. But to my last breath, I will try." She allows all the love that she has been afraid to feel to wash over Tesara.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara smiles and hugs her back tightly. There are things in her mind she will keep to herself for now, but at the moment, she is grateful for the hug and the reassurances. "You're welcome." She says. "And errm....don't worry about the uniform. There are more in the cargo hold. I'll get one for you. No one has to know." She checks the bandage on Haj's thigh and is pleased that it has stopped bleeding. "I'd like to give you a little more healing, as the moment you start moving around it may open up." She closes her eyes again and reaches out to the Force to do Heal Another (taking 10).
Once that is done, Tesara hugs Haj once more. "Go on back to your room and I will bring a new uniform."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Haj looks down at her leg. "Thank you. I really didn't want to go to the med bay. That man is ... disconcerting. When I went back to ask him what he meant by disobedient, all he said was, "listen to your father.....or else they will come for you!". Handyman seemed to think that it was merely a fairy tale told to frighten children into behaving. I disagree, but I have nothing to go on but my gut. And that has proven to be less than reliable, especially now that it has a great nasty scar through it." She holds her hand over the repaired 3cm hole in her belly.
She wraps the blanket securely around her and turns to leave the room. As she starts to walk out, her mind pings her about trusting her gut. "@Tesara Anerin", she says turning slightly to face the blonde, "when you come to my room with the uniform, I want to show you something if we have a moment. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Or," she says with a grin, "to put it another way, I'm asking for your help." Then, peeking in the hall to make sure that Professor Kenobi isn't skulking about, she makes a hasty dash to her quarters.
Tesara Anerin — 02/04/2022
Tesara cannot help the grin that spreads over her face. Hadaza running buck naked down the hall with only a blanket would likely amuse the shit out of the Professor, but she keeps that to herself. She goes to get the uniform and pulls a second one out for good measure. If the professor makes a fuss she will handle it, but she doesn't think he will. If the next planet has any kind of provisions, she will find a way to pay for some of them in return for all of the expenses they are running on his tab. She heads to Hadaza's room and knocks.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/04/2022
Still wrapped in Tesara's blanket, she opens the door once she's sure that she's not being summoned to the training room. Not that she wouldn't mind the workout on a normal day, but today has been anything but normal. She needs a nap and some food. Og en treningsøkt som ikke bør gjøres offentlig, she thinks. Near death experiences bring out the baser needs, even in the most polite societies.
She ushers Tesara inside the small room and offers the bed. "Thank you for this. Explaining it would be," she sighs, "expensive."
She rummages through her things and pulls out 4 cards from a nearby drawer. "I found these on the derelict." She hands them to Tesara.
They are: The Tower, The Moon, The Star reversed, The Hanged Man
"Durro told me that they are from a game called Centran sabacc. I got this book from the library here on board Gungnir about using those cards as a divination tool." She also hands Tesara the book. "But I'd like to get your input as well on what you think they mean and why they ... I am loathe to say that the Force guided my hand, but I have no other explanation for why I felt compelled to take these, especially since there must have been a whole deck floating there to choose from. Or why take any at all, for that matter!"
She walks into the adjoining washroom to get changed, though why she feels the need for modesty now is a question that flitters in and out of her head as she changes. She'd love to get a shower, but she wants neither to embarrass Tesara nor get the fresh bandages wet. Besides, without Haj hovering, it may provide @Tesara Anerin some space to really concentrate on those cards without someone hovering for answers.
Tesara Anerin — 02/05/2022
Tesara looks at the cards, then at the book. She has heard of Sabacc but has never played it, and the cards are unfamiliar. She looks at each of them in turn. Some of them seem a bit obvious and some do not. The first one, the tower, seems alarming. She tries to feel if there are any connections to the Force in them, but there is nothing. They are merely cardstock. She picks up the book and flips through it going in turn to each of the entries on the cards in front of her. Yes, the Tower seemed to be about calamity, but the Moon and the Star and the Hanged Man seem too vague to be of much help. She thinks back to the teachings of the Yilsaani in her village. She had been taught divination, but not by means of cards. Bones, tea, clouds, animal activity, rain patterns on the skin yes, but not cards. She continues to read, hoping she can glean something from the book before Hadaza returns.
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/05/2022
"So?" Hadaza says, walking out of the washroom and putting the finishing touches on her change of clothes. Her question is lightly delivered, but the shadow of its import is stamped in the creases around her eyes.
"What can you tell me? Was the book of any help to you? Most of it told me was riddles and vagaries that could apply to any situation, making it open to interpretation from the reader based on their own experiences and filters. In other words," she frowns in frustration at the cards still in Tesara's hands, "utterly incomprehensible."
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/05/2022
Tesara looks sad and disappointed. "I am sorry, Haj. I've seen Sabacc cards before but never played it and have never taken any time to get to know them. The book is a little helpful but not much. My methods of divination are far more grounded than these. The tower seems to warn of doom and destruction, but the others are shrouded and too uncertain to tell. I'm sorry I cannot be of more help."
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/05/2022
"Damn", Haj sits down hard on the metal floor, heedless of her injury.
"Damn. Damn! Damn! DAMMIT!!", she curses loudly. "Months I have been staring at these things and I am no closer now than I was when I plucked them from the stars!"
She tries to rise from the floor, but her careless gesture of frustration has caused the wound to open once more and she moves slowly. "Not you, nor Durro, nor than damnable book is of any use to solving this riddle, if there even is one."
She starts to pace. "I don't know why the damnable things vex me so. Yet night after night I find myself glued to them as though they held the secrets of time and space and, were I to unlock them, I would find myself as Mistress of All the Worlds!"
Limping now, she snatches up the book and hollers at it as though it could answer, "What good are you anyway?!" she says as she hurls it across the small room.
The throbbing in her leg draws her attention. "Ow", she mutters, rubbing the gash in her thigh. "Dammit" Lost in her own thoughts, she starts to strip off the uniform so that she can see what her temper has wrought yet again
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/05/2022
“Hadaza.” Tesara says, a little loud but not harsh. “You’re giving these cards too much power. Divination is particularly wooly. There’s no clear answers. Any kind of divination, even Farseeing can leave one with more questions than answers.” She slips off the bed and checks the bandages. “You need to remember to stop and breathe when rage boils up.” She says calmly, resetting the bandages. “You’re only hurting yourself and giving the dark side more power.” She sits back on her heels, picks up the cards and the book and stands. “To give you a little bit of space and time to stop obsessing, I’ll be taking these with me for a while. You’ve looked at them enough to memorize their artwork.”
@Hadaza
Hadaza — 02/05/2022
Every emotion that Haj is feeling in that moment flashes across her face - frustration, gratitude, aggravation, resignation. She knows her lack of control will be her undoing if she's not careful. Her interaction with Ashanti taught her that. Yet the freedom of it, the natural flow of the energy in her body and mind that accompany them, feels more to her like the connection to the Force that Durro and Tesara have talked. How can that be a bad thing? And now that Tesara has taken her cards from her, she will have time to think more on this.
She closes her eyes and tries to center herself. "You're right, of course, Master Anerin. My anger clouds my ability to think clearly, as is evidenced by your ministrations ... again", she ends her statement sheepishly.
She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "Thank you, Tesara, for taking care of me", she says softly. "It seems that forgiveness is not the only lesson that I need to practice with diligence."
She smiles impishly, "I'm sure that Professor Kenobi will offer me many opportunities for that lesson during our tenure together." Her smile widens at the image of his face at finding out that he is now a Professor for the living as well as the dead.
Hvilke andre leksjoner kunne han tilby?, she thinks wickedly, her face not hiding those emotions any better than others that have skrittered across it.
@Tesara Anerin
Tesara Anerin — 02/05/2022
Tesara hugs her. “Get some rest. Don’t push the wounds, they should heal in a bit when Handyman can have a go.” She tucks the book and cards under her arm. “I have no idea what we’re facing next but all of us will need our strength.” She looks at her student once more. The emotions are like wildfire inside of the Zabrak, but there is huge potential. “I’ll see you later.” She smiles and exits the room.
Hadaza — 02/05/2022
"Rest well, Tesara. I'll see you later."
She doesn't bother to get re-dressed before crawling into bed. She's bone tired and hurts all over. She has no idea how much sleep she will be able to get before Kenobi blows reveille, but for the first time since she came upon Gungnir, she won't be falling asleep with Sabaac cards in her hands.
Her last thoughts before she fades are of Tesara, of how grateful she was that she asked for help, and about how much stronger one has to be in order to be vulnerable than to be closed off.
Tesara Anerin — 02/05/2022
Tesara returns to her room and puts the cards inside the book then sets the book in a safe place. She picks up her datapad and jots down her thoughts about what has happened. Once done, she shuts off the datapad, tucks it into the nook by her bed and falls asleep.
/end
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